This One is About God

I have to say, that my journey to God has just begun. It's been a long time coming. I remember as a child not understanding who Jesus was but sung songs about him. I felt this inkling towards God but not toward Jesus. So, because of my lack of wisdom, I decided not to be a believer. I roamed through life thinking I was something good, someone great. Which fed my ego to believe that nothing is wrong with what I do, the mistakes I make, and I became selfish. I still find myself being that way sometimes. I became so selfish, that I had no intention of listening to no one about how I should live my life. That was until I became depressed. Then something happened to me unexpectedly. I developed a mental disorder called schizoaffective disorder. I remember the episode being in my head filled with hallucinations, delusions, and voices. I never thought something like this would happen to me.

I cried out to God, and I thought he heard me telling me I was the savior of the world and I returned home. Now, I really believed this. So, I did as what "God" the voice told me to do. I ended up hallucinating Satan going around entering the body of people that I loved. It was this black shadow that said it was Satan and I was terrified but felt my duty to save them. So, I said something the the shadow that made sense to me. I said I accept you and you do not have to hurt my family. Immediately the shadow vanishes. And I feel a since of relief except I start hearing his voice in my head telling me awful things and I begin to believe that I am possessed.

I get taken to a psych ward for acting out at work. That is where my family visits me and I accuse them of awful things they did to me. You see none of it made sense.

The thing about the mind is once you believe something you ca't convince it other wise. It takes time to change it. I wanted to get out so I acted if I was okay, thats what the voices were telling me to do. I couldn't tell which voice was good and which one was bad.

As time went on, I became so delusional I had to be put on medication. Which I only ended up taking to get myself out of the psych ward. They didn't kick in until many months later. I still felt possessed and I hated what I was hearing. So, I picked up a Bible. Still delusional none of it made sense to me.

I wanted to get better, I wanted not to be this way. Once, I did research on my diagnosis and starting listening there was still this push inside of me even though I was lost inside my head. A push to get better.

Don't get me wrong I had times where I didn't want to be alive. I even wrote a suicide note. I felt like something was terrible wrong with me and I still do have these moments.

So, five years later, and I realize there is no other way but God. For he is faithful, just, and good. I know this for many reasons. One, the way my family cares for me the goodness in their hearts comes from a source greater than anyone. Two, it's a miracle I'm still here and I've come out of psychosis in a way that allows me to be aware of it when it does happen. Three, I feel grateful to be here and to experience the life I do have. Four, I went from completely insane to calm in just a matter of years. There were battles I thought I had to face on my own, but God says give them to me. For he knows the way and Jesus is the way. Jesus knows what its like to be tempted by evil. Instead he chose to obey God and he became our truth, way, and light.

As, i go on my journey I don't know what God has in store for me. However, I'm choosing to grow my faith and trust that he will provide me a new purpose greater than the one I thought was for me.