This is Why I Don't Drink

My heart was beating out of my chest as I stared at myself in the mirror. I don't know how I let my friends talk me into this. I suppose it is my fault since I confessed I had never been on an actual date before. Normally I wouldn't offer up that type of information, but this ground-breaking confession happened during a drunken game of 'Never Have I Ever'. I should also point out that was the first time I had ever drank alcohol. You may think this news is not that alarming, but I should probably tell you that I am 25 years old. Pathetic right? I know.

Obviously I'm not an expert on adult beverages, but I'm pretty sure that Tequila is not the best thing to try your first time. While most of the details from that evening are fuzzy, I do remember some rather unsavory bits. Some of my finest moments include stripping off my clothes and howling at the moon from my 3rd story balcony, and throwing up on the pizza man. Of course somewhere in between all that I spilled my pitiful secret and made out with a coat rack. My roommate Lisa felt sorry for me and set me up on a blind date with her cousin, which brings us back to the evening's anxiety.

The outfit I had on was completely out of my comfort zone. I was wearing a short black dress that barely covered my buns. The V-neck was cut so low it looked like my titties were fighting each other trying to get out. And let's not talk about how tight the dress was. Honey that dress was so tight if I did so much as fart, the damn thing would split wide open! My mother would have a heart attack if she could see me right now. But I doubt she would recognize me with this blow-out and ten tons of makeup.

Just when I was about to abort this crazy mission, Lisa comes in and tells me her cousin was in the living room. I panicked which made my mouth dry, so I took the large glass she happened to be holding and chugged it. Big mistake. Not only was my throat now on FIRE, but I also felt an intense heat rush from the crown of my head to the sole of my feet. I damn near passed out. This must be what hell feels like! When I was finally able to pull myself together I noticed the look on Lisa's face go from worry, to shock, to amazement, and finally a smile. "Holy Shit!", she screamed. "I have never seen anyone drink Bacardi 151 like that! Girlfriend, you are about to have one hell of a night!"

Lisa should have been a prophet because I definitely had one hell of a night. At least that's what I figured when I woke up in the hospital the next morning. I was in excruciating pain and everything looked blurry. The nurse said my injuries included broken legs, cracked ribs, a concussion, and a compound fracture on my left arm. I felt someone gently grab my hand so I turned my head to see who it was. He had to be the most gorgeous man on earth. Actually, the word gorgeous does not do him justice. Baby was fine! I'm talking about looking for him in the daytime with a flashlight fine! Honey I'm talking about the wash his dirty drawls and smell his farts kind of fine. Whew! Excuse me, I got a little carried away there. But anyway, back to the story.

His name is Jason and he is my roommate's cousin I went out with the night before. Unfortunately I am unable to remember anything that happened. But thanks to witnesses, smartphones, and surveillance cameras, I was able to see the night's shenanigans. I can't go into detail about everything because I still have a case or two pending. But I can tell you the evening included me getting into a fist fight with a doorman, stealing a fire truck, flashing the police, and jumping out of a moving vehicle on the interstate.

Since Jason is a physical therapist he was wonderful at nursing me back to health. He never left my side during my recovery, and I'm pleased to announce we are now engaged! I know this is not your average love story, but it works for us. Now that I am fully recovered, the wedding is next month. We splurged for the open bar but I still refuse to participate in the drinking of spirited beverages. Not even for the toast. I will be just fine with sparkling cider. When I finally convinced the wedding planner I wasn't pregnant or an alcoholic, she looked confused and wanted an explanation. I sat down, took a deep breath, and said, "This is why I don't drink........"