Thinking about your ex during the holidays

Every relationship is different and every breakup is different. Do you think your ex really think about you during the holidays? That’s a big question, right? I wanted to talk about this because we know that so many of us struggled with doubting what was going on with your ex especially if they didn't reach out right over the holidays, right? Everybody is supposed to be happy at Christmas.

Recently, I got this text from a friend, “Hi James, I'm so grateful for your advice about a month ago. You have absolutely changed my life. I really struggle every day I didn't hear from my boyfriend over Christmas or New Year's festive”.

A lot of people didn't hear from their ex, on Christmas or New Year's festive, right? What you all know is that they weren't ready to contact you yet in that moment in time.

She continued “I realized he has an avoidant attachment Style and that I'm anxious. I would be lying if I don't admit that a huge part of my personal growth right now is to try and get my ex back. I know it's not ideal but I'm just being honest with myself. I talk with my friends and family a lot and one of the things they keep saying and putting in my head is that my ex doesn't think about me they say, he's been going out and they are just telling me to get over it and that he would have reached out. I tried to tune them out but it's overwhelming. Do you think our exes really think about us over the holidays?”

Now, I think that your ex thinks about you over the holidays. How could they not? They've had an intimate relationship with you for however long and it's easy to think that they're not going to think about you again but think again you're not that forgettable, no and they didn't break up with you because they thought you were forgettable. There are many reasons why people break up but it would be normal to think on Christmas when you're surrounded by your loved ones maybe you were together last year. They would have to think about you and when you think about the future at New Year's, they had probably talked about a future of some sort with you so there's no way they can go through all that and not think about you. They do think about you and I know that when you’ve gone through your breakups, it totally felt like they weren't thinking about you and you always think they're not thinking about you. You feel like they're having a great time somewhere and here you are miserable. Yes, it's so true but I'm telling you guys time and time again and again, you have exes that will come back. People will sometimes say “my ex told me they thought about me every day and I didn't think they even thought about me.” Why would you think that, yeah, they did for however long you were together?

One of the other fear that we get a lot is that, our exes were avoidant they're not going to think about us. Of course yes, they are, because even the avoidant people are wired to want connection, it's just harder for them. Even the avoidant will think about you, yes, maybe it's not as intense or as frequent as it is for you but that doesn't mean that it doesn't happen for them too. It doesn't mean that they're not thinking about things you guys had planned, looking and reviewing them and missing you too. Maybe, they just felt like they couldn't reach out and it would have led to a whole another set of events that they weren't prepared for but did they think about you? Absolutely yes, they did.

One of the things that I thought I could talk a little bit about is why someone would feel like their ex wouldn't miss them. How could anyone forget anyone as special as you? The first thing that comes to my mind is how your self-concept is today particularly if you're broken up with someone. What do most of us human beings do? We promptly say, what did I do wrong? Or what's wrong with me? That he thinks he can find better Fields elsewhere, Greener fields, pastures and things elsewhere? Why not me? What did I not do? What does she have that I don't have? What does he have that I don't have? and that's probably not the case at all. If this person had strong feelings about you for quite a number of times, however long you were together they're not going to instantly forget you, no.

One thing you need to know in your heart, they are thinking about you even if they aren't telling you, even if they're denying it. Undoubtedly, they used to say nice supportive things to you. They meant them. The fact that they broke up with you doesn't mean that they didn't mean what they said.

Feel good knowing they're thinking about you too, they thought about you over the holidays too. The situation isn't just something where they've decided, they made their decision. They're done, they've moved on and they don't reflect on it. People aren’t just wired that way, we're wired to want connection, to get connection and we can't turn it off in 2 minutes.