Think of me....

Dedication

This is dedicated to my first love/high school sweetheart. I'm truly so very sorry that I made the choices that i made and did the things that I did to you. You are an amazing man and deserve the very best. Thank you for supporting my decision to write a book about you and the trials and tribulations that I put you through. Your wife is a very lucky girl! Best of wishes to you and your family.

Introduction

I had been wanting to write this book for a very long time. I really just wanted to tell my story, and hopefully get the closure I need to move forward. Life is full of ups and downs, we make choices and decisions everyday that will dictate our futures. What matters is the lessons we learn from our mistakes. I've definitely made tons of mistakes and I'm still learning how to overcome some of the effects caused by my past choices and decisions. I know that I will never be perfect but it’s my life goal to better myself each and every single day of the rest of my life. I no longer recognize the woman in this book. I do however believe that it all helped to mold me into the woman I am today. I've learned so much along the way and hope that I'm seen for who I am today instead of who I was back then. Huge thank you to my first love for teaching me so much. You are truly someone special! I am so glad you found that special someone that you can truly be happy with. Many blessings to you and your beautiful family!

Fourth Period

It all started freshman year, Mrs. B’s fourth period ceramics class.

I was only fifteen years old and beginning my very first year in high school. The day was already beyond confusing and stressful being that this school was so much bigger than my previous school, now there were many more students and teachers to get familiar with! I was super overwhelmed! Not to mention, I was very nervous and scared…..

The bell rang notifying the whole school that it was time to get to our next class, and after having to ask another student for directions to room #101, I had finally arrived at my fourth period class where I felt all eyes on me as I walked into class. I found an open seat and quickly occupied it. As I looked around, I noticed that I may be one of the only freshmen in the whole class! Being that it was the only class that I chose that they actually put me in, I was just going to have to try and make at least one friend that could show me the ropes…

As Mrs. B was telling us about herself, her home, and how she became a ceramics teacher, another student was arriving late to class, and I could not take my eyes off of him! He was the most handsome boy I had ever seen in my whole life! He was tall, and just the way he walked you could just tell that he had a lot of confidence! I wasn't sure who he was but I knew for sure that because of the car keys he was carrying with him, that he was most likely a junior or senior.

I grew even more nervous when I realized that the only other open seat in the entire class was right next to me! As I expected, he sat directly to my left, and at that very moment I just knew that this was going to be my absolute favorite class! I had never been so nervous around a boy in my life as I was at that moment!

Since it was only the very first day of school, instead of getting straight to work, Mrs. B told us that she wanted us all to get to know one another first. Our assignment was to write five facts about ourselves on a sheet of paper without disclosing our name, so that after reading the facts, the rest of the class could guess which facts went with which student. It was super fun and a great way for all of us to learn about one another. I of course paid special attention to the facts about him. He didn't say much the first day of class, the day ended with me knowing exactly only six things about him.

one- his name was Aiden

two- he was a junior

three- he loved art

four- it was his third year taking ceramics (by choice)

five- he only had one brother & no sisters

six- he was the school DJ

Being that I made the freshmen cheer squad, I had a pretty good feeling that I would get to see him more often than just in ceramics class!

After school was over, I immediately found my best friend Sonia because I couldn't wait to tell her about the gorgeous guy that had walked into my class earlier!

At cheerleading practice that day, our coaches introduced us to all the football players, football coaches, trainers, and last but definitely not least, our school DJ’s! And there he was again! “I knew it!” I was super excited! And it turns out that Sonia had a class with his best friend Abel/DJ and they recognized each other right away and exchanged numbers before cheerleading practice was finished.

The following morning Sonia informed me that she talked to Abel all night long on the phone and that they really hit it off!

I was extra excited that day for fourth period to begin. I even got extra dressed up that morning so that I would look my best! When I arrived to fourth period that day, we immediately started talking and getting to know each other. We exchanged phone numbers before class was over and when lunchtime began Sonia and Abel had already made plans for all of us to go to lunch together. Obviously I was all for it! Things were going so much better than I could have hoped for...The more I learned about him, the more I liked him. One of the details that I learned about him was that he had never had a girlfriend. Throughout his first two years of high school he only ever even talked to one single girl but never made it official.

Between class and cheering for football games while he DJ’d, we were spending all of our time together. We were going to lunch together, he was giving me a ride home from school most days, and we had even gone on a couple movie dates. In class he helped me so much to find the creative side that I didn't even realize I had.

We talked a lot about music and we would both use music lyrics to define our feelings for one another. Some of the songs that we spoke about during that time were:

One Wish -Ray J

Walked Outta Heaven -Jagged Edge

I Wanna Know -Joe

Sent From Heaven -Keyshia Cole

All My Life -K-Ci & JoJo

Can We Talk -Tevin Campbell

I had never in my life experienced the feelings that I was feeling. I craved his attention, but I played it cool at the same time so I wouldn't scare him away. Sonia and Abel were getting very close as well and all four of us were planning to all attend the backwards dance together and coordinate our outfits at the end of the year. Being that Abel's 1969 Mustang was red and Aiden's 1965 Chevy truck was canary yellow, Sonia and I had decided that all of us would wear those exact colors in honor of both of their automobiles that always won “best car” in the yearbook every year. We had all become best friends, the four of us. They were most definitely my favorites for sure.

Cupid

Right as things were going absolutely perfect, I started feeling a little sick. The first day that I noticed feeling under the weather, I had just arrived at school and the moment I stepped off the bus I was dizzy, immediately followed by nausea and a headache. I continued to feel this way throughout the entire day.

When school was over Aiden drove me home and stayed to watch a movie with me. To be honest I don't even remember what movie we watched, only how comfortable and safe he made me feel. We cuddled and held hands and even shared a few kisses.

It was becoming more apparent every single day that I was falling hopelessly in love with him. He had these eyes that you could just stare into and it was like you could read his heart and soul through them.

After the movie was over he stayed and we ate dinner with my family. When we were done, I walked him out and gave him a big hug and kiss, he looked at me deep in my eyes and he said, “Think of me.” I replied with, “Always.” From that moment forward every single time we were going to part, or hang up the phone, that is what he would say. And I would respond with a simple, but very meaningful, ‘always’. I mean, afterall it was the truth! I really did think about him constantly!

The next morning when I woke up for school I still wasn't feeling well but I went to school anyway. I just felt like I may have been coming down with the flu or something.

I continued to feel under the weather on and off for the whole week but continued to attend school and cheer practices nevertheless.

Did I mention that there were a ton of girls that liked Aiden?

Well since we had been getting closer and closer and were spending most of our time together, I began to accumulate a line of females that were jealous and wanted to fight me because of it! Everywhere that I would go on campus it seemed like there would be at least one female giving me dirty looks. I just tried to ignore it and pretend they didn't exist.

That Friday we had our first football game in the stadium and by then I was really feeling sick. I tried so hard to hide the fact that I wasn't feeling good so that I could keep cheering during the game, but my cheerleading coach must have noticed. She called me over to her and asked me what was wrong. I let her know that I hadn't been feeling very well for around a week or so and she told me to sit down and rest until after halftime.

When halftime started I still wasn't feeling good but I still performed with my cheerleading squad, our first routine of the year! Since he was the DJ that controlled the music, he was always upfront and center for all of my performances and I loved it! When halftime was over I stuck it out and finished cheering for the second half of the game although I still didn't feel well.

After the football game was over Aiden gave me a ride home. We sat in his truck for a little while just talking. He expressed concern about me not feeling good for the length of time that it had been. I promised him that I would make it a priority first thing Monday morning if I still didn't feel good when I woke up.

When my alarm went off early Monday morning around 5:30 a.m I sat up and immediately I felt dizzy. I was going on two weeks straight of not feeling well at that point, and I truly was beginning to become concerned about what could possibly be going on with me medically…….

I still chose to attend school that day even though I definitely didn't feel good…..

During PE someone from the office called my PE teacher and informed him that I was wanted in the front office and to take my things because I won't be coming back before class is over.

I was so confused, I had no clue what was going on and why I was being pulled out of class.

When we reached the front office much to my surprise my mom was waiting there for me. I immediately asked her why she was there and where we were going? She wouldn't say too much, other then that I would find out shortly… After we got into the car she drove us to my dad's house and we both got out of the car, which I was very confused about being that my mother never got out of the car at my fathers house…

When we were all inside my fathers house, I could just feel all eyes on me! After a few minutes of extremely awkward silence, my mom finally had a question to ask me…. She very calmly asked me, “Do you know why we are all here right now?” “Do you know why we pulled you out of school early today?”

Before I could even respond my mother told me to go get into the car because we had to go somewhere important…. Things were feeling so weird, and I was beginning to get completely nervous as to where we might be going that was so important to my parents.

I reluctantly went to the car and climbed inside, and nervously sat in the back while my very divorced parents proceeded to drive me to the unknown together….Guess I was about to learn exactly what all this was about very soon. The suspense was driving me totally crazy! Wherever it was that we were going was definitely not a fun place. I knew this immediately just by the tense energy in the air and the unpleasant look on everyone's faces! “Where could we be going?”.......

Five minutes later we were pulling into a small group of business offices that I had never been to before. We parked and my mom got out of the car and then looked at me with a very straight face and said, “okay get out and come on!” I followed her into the waiting room of a doctors office and sat down next to her as she instructed me to do.

Obviously I had so many questions that I wanted her to answer for me but I knew that at that very moment it would be completely pointless… Clearly she had strategically planned this out already because even though I had no idea what the hell was going on, she most definitely did!

After waiting for about 30-35 minutes, totally nerve-wracked and completely confused, a nurse emerged from the back office and called my name. My mother followed me to the back and into a private room, where the nurse left us, letting us know that the doctor would be in shortly.

The moment the nurse left the room I just could not help it and I blurted out, “Why are we here!?”

My mother began to inform me that my childhood best friend had told her mother that I hadn’t been feeling good for quite some time and that she thought that I might be pregnant… She also stated that the reason for telling her mom all of this was that she was worried about me and my possible baby, if there was in fact one…..

My mother had always said that I could always come to her for anything and that I could tell her anything, and that she would always Love me no matter what. For some reason although I did believe her, I just never felt comfortable speaking to her about something like that, and so we had never spoken about it before.

At that very moment my mother simply asked me, “Stephanie, is it possible that you might be pregnant?” I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even answer her question honestly at first! After stumbling over my words like crazy and turning bright red all over due to embarrassment, there was nothing left for me to say other than, “yes, i guess so.” Now that the truth had finally come out, I wasn't feeling a weight lifted from my shoulders, only a whole lot more stress than ever before!

So many different things were going through my head at that very moment….. You see, I totally skipped over the part about my summer going into high school from junior high school. I guess I thought that if I just tried to forget about it, it never happened… I know that isn't reasonable thinking, but to be honest I was just hoping that time period could just be erased or forgotten all together….

I see now how impossible that's going to be…..

Can we talk

Guess I need to fill you in about what went on during the summer going into high school…..

First we need to rewind all the way back to before school was back in session, and we were technically not even in high school yet…….

Let’s go all the way back to right after eighth grade graduation, right when summer vacation started. This is how it all began….. You see, my two best friends and I were especially boy crazy by this age! I'm pretty sure that's all we cared about during that time! Not only were we hanging out with guys, we were also drinking, and experimenting with smoking marijuana. I was talking to this guy named Ryan, and since he had an older brother, and his friends were always over, I would bring my friends and we would always just party! Did I mention that the older brother was like four years older than my friends and I were?

Anyways, one day when we were all over there one of his brother's older friends introduced himself and started talking to me.

To be completely honest, I wasnt into him at all! He was very rude, especially when he was drinking! There was only one thing that I was curious about. The only reason I was curious about it was because all of my friends had already experienced it, and I was the only one who had not yet done it! Yes, I was still a virgin!

Unfortunately, instead of waiting for the right person to come along, and waiting for the right time, I let my curiosity get the best of me one night and regretted it immediately! It felt wrong in every single way, and to be honest it made me feel dirty….

After the first initial time, I would have never done it again with him, but apparently he had other plans….He eventually began to blackmail me to get me to do what he wanted.

One night during the time that my father was renovating our house, specifically the living room at that time, there was a whole wall missing and only a tarp separating us from outside. He walked through the tarp and into our house at 3 am while my father and step mother were out. I tried everything to get him to leave, but he insisted that if I didn't let him stay that he would tell my father that we had sex. Of course being only fifteen years old, I was terrified of my father finding out so his blackmail most definitely worked at first.

It didn't last for very long because my dad overheard us on the phone one day and heard him threatening me and blackmailing me and instantly went to where he stayed to teach him a lesson, but had to deal with cops instead!

The last and final straw for me was when I went to the winter formal with Juan. He was one of the nicest guys I've ever met. Abel insisted that I had to be home by 10 pm on the dot no matter what or else he was going to tell my father and whole family exactly what I didn't want them to know.

So basically the only thing we had done so far was eat

dinner. We had not even gone into the dance yet at all! And to make matters even worse, I never told my date the truth about what was going on! So when I needed to leave by ten oclock I lied and told my date that I didn't feel good. Needless to say, one of Juan's friends spotted me an hour later riding with Abel in his truck. After that day Juan and all of his friends hated me. I felt so bad for what I did to Juan. He could have gone with anyone, and I ruined his winter formal. I never explained to him what happened. Hopefully he forgives me.

This is only a short summary of the drama I dealt with dealing with Abel that summer. It was short lived, fortunately for me.

I gotta be

Which brings me back to where I left off….

When the doctor finally came in he handed me a cup and told me to pee in it. Five minutes after finishing the doctor informed my mom and I that I was in fact pregnant! Being that I still had somewhat of a period every month he could not tell how far along based on that and so he scheduled an ultrasound appointment. So now I know why I had been feeling so awful. It all made sense!

So many things went through my head at that point. Oh my gosh, how was I going to tell Aiden? And when I do tell him he’ll never want to see me again! and I’m going to lose my first love… Aiden was the only thing that made sense in my life. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I just wasn't ready to give him up yet.

The day of my ultrasound appointment I found out that I was almost five months pregnant with a baby boy!

That night at home my mom and I had a serious heart to heart talk and I asked her what she thought about adoption. She said that since my dad is adopted she knows how it has affected him and that she didn't want me to but if I was really serious about doing it she would support me and whatever decision I make. I chose to call an adoption agency and made an appointment.

When my mom and I arrived at our appointment the next day we met with a woman who explained the process of open adoption to us. She said that we would look at different families in albums and we would have to choose one that we liked the best. Then she would have to call the family and set up a meeting with them. I was so confused and overwhelmed. I didn't make a decision that day, but a couple days later we went back and looked again. There was one album that stuck out the most to me and they had been looking to adopt a baby for thirteen years. Their names were Kerri and Kelli and they had been married for over fifteen years and had many unsuccessful pregnancies. They had a beautiful home and even a fully set-up and stocked nursery ready to go. After showing her the family I had chosen, our adoption counselor called the family and set up an immediate appointment to meet with me.

Two days later we met with the adoptive parents for dinner at a local pizza place. We did more getting to know each other than we did eating. They were wonderful people. Aside from being understandably defeated when it came to having their own baby, they were absolutely perfect! I really liked them so far. Yes it was very awkward in general because I hadn't completely decided on the “adoption” idea yet…..

We made plans for Kerri to attend my next doctor's appointment with me which happened to be an ultrasound appointment.

while the adoption situation was going on I was also attending school regularly as usual and hiding my little secret from everyone, including my new boyfriend.

I know that no matter how you look at it, it was wrong to lie and especially to keep lying. I guess this is where my age and maturity level played a huge role in my decision because all I could see was my own selfish wants and desires, and I wasn't ready to give up my new found first love yet….

Every single day I would literally tell myself, “okay Stephanie, you have got to come clean and finally tell him the truth! He deserves to know the truth!” And then I would put it off another couple of days because I would get scared and chicken out! Before I realized, so much time had passed by and I would get more nervous about it. Oh man, what was I going to do?

As if I didn't have enough problems to worry about, things were about to get even more difficult. So apparently the baby's fathers best friend's mother worked in my doctors office as a nurse and on the day of my first appointment I had to name who the baby's father was since I was underage and all. Obviously she recognized his name, but I never thought that she would breach patient privacy and confidential privileged information practices and tell anyone what she knew. Well boy was I wrong! Not only did she tell Abel himself, but she also told her son and a few of his female friends that happened to be there with him at that moment.

So you might have already guessed that one of those females I mentioned also happened to be one of the “female haters” that I had collected along the way while meeting and talking to Aiden. Basically what that means is that the very wrong information just fell into the very wrong hands! She was one of the many females that would do anything to come in between Aiden and I! And oh boy! That's exactly what she tried to do!

A day that I recall vividly, just like it was yesterday, took place walking back onto campus from lunch. Aiden and I were walking back from the parking lot through the gates onto school grounds when this particular female and one of her close friends followed behind Aiden and I very closely to talk as loud as possible so Aiden could undoubtedly hear exactly what she was saying on purpose. She kept repeating, “how sad is that? “Look at her how gross!” and then she just kept laughing all evil-like! I did not respond to anything and I kept my composure like the bigger person. But really I wanted to turn around and throat punch her so damn hard that her future children would feel it!

It wasn't long before many more of the females were also on board with the trash talking and putting me down in Aidens ear. I could tell it was starting to take a toll on him and he was starting to look nervous all the time.

Of Course at times Aiden would let me know what was said about me and even on a few occasions he would ask me if there was truth to any of it, but I maintained my innocence no matter what.

At some point all of the talk and claims made by all of these females must have gotten to Aiden for a moment and he felt the need to confide in his mother about it, asking her for advice on what he should do.

The very next day Aiden showed up at my house very unexpectedly and definitely unannounced with a surprise pregnancy test for me to take in front of him. He looked more nervous than I had ever seen him look! So now I know what you must be thinking right now, that the jig is up for sure and that now I have to tell the truth because I'm caught and there's no way around it anymore, but what you don't know is that on occasion I'm known to have random premonitions or glimpses if you will into the future or as I like to call them, “my psychic moments!” and the day before I had one while my best friend Sonia was at my house and well lets just say that best friends know no boundaries in every sense of the word, and I had her pee for me in a cup which in turn I dumped into a medicine bottle and placed in the medicine cabinet in my personal bathroom just in case….

It was more than apparent that I was fully committed to protecting my secret at all costs and the truth was becoming further and further away from where it needed to be.

So when Aiden insisted on standing in the bathroom right next to me while I proceeded to take this pregnancy test I just grabbed a towel and placed it on top of my lap, acting as though I was too shy to uncover myself and allow him to fully see me sitting on the toilet bare naked. Right under the towel was the medicine bottle with someone else's urine inside of it and although it was definitely more than a struggle to get it open without him noticing what I was actually doing, I was able to finally get past the child lock feature and after spilling the urine all over my hands, was able to preserve enough to use for the test without him realizing what was really going on. When it was time to read the results he looked more down and upset than I had ever seen him look and my heart began to truly break.

The moment he read the test results, his face had the look of pure confusion. He put his head down and immediately started to tear up. Sitting on the edge of my bed he looked heartbroken and so puzzled. He told me that he truly believed he knew what the test results were going to be and how he wasn't prepared for anything other than that.

I know how heartless I must seem, or that you might be thinking I am, but I promise you that I never had ill intentions or negative motives intending to hurt Aiden. Yes, I will most definitely agree that I was utterly selfish and completely deceptive towards Aiden and the specific subject at hand, but I without a doubt was absolutely, hopelessly in love with him for sure. I had fallen completely in love with him and at the time couldn't bear to think of what it would feel like to lose him…

As he sat there on my bed trying to process what he had just read, I just grabbed him and held him close to me. I pulled his head close to my heart because that is where he truly resided already. I felt so guilty for my actions and even more so for my dishonesty and ability to so easily lie to the first person that I without a doubt loved with all of my heart and soul. It even became so much for me to handle that I started to cry. We just held one another so tightly as if we were going to slip away from each other if we didn't.

It was then that Aiden said that after that day that he would no longer listen to anything anyone had to say as long as it involved “gossip” or making me look bad in his eyes. It was me and him against the world so to speak from now on he said. I told him that I truly loved him so very much and that he was my everything. We had the most emotional moment we had ever had, but deep down I couldn't help but feel so guilty about the lies and deception I had involved….

My body

As the time draws closer and closer to December and the end of the year approaches, Aiden and I become so close that we end up having unplanned sexual relations with one another. It was like nothing I ever experienced before in my life. I know that we were too young to experience actual love supposedly, but I know with all of my heart that was exactly what we were experiencing and feeling.

I was experiencing a love so deep that the mere thought of not being with him killed me. It meant everything to me to be with him. Being with him was pure nirvana.

When it was time to walk him out to his car to leave we hugged for what felt like forever and when we were done and backing away from each other, he had two giant wet spots on his sweater where my breasts were! Oh no! Why was this already happening? Was this normal? He looked down at his sweater and just kinda disregarded the obvious stains for that moment anyways at least. We kissed each other goodnight and he got into his truck and said one last thing before he went home, “think of me Stephanie.” I looked deep into his eyes, to his soul, and said, “always Aiden.”

A few days before Christmas Eve we went to celebrate with his family, including a few that I was barely meeting for the first time ever. After arriving at his family's house and having dinner and dessert we decided to take off just him and I and keep to his tradition and see a movie at the movie theatre nearby and that's exactly what we did!

After the movie was over he decided to give me my present to open while we were alone and when I saw what he had gotten for me I was in complete shock! It was a small gold ring with a small diamond chip in the center. He took it out of the case and grabbed my ring finger placing the ring onto it and telling me that this was a promise ring. A promise to one day get me an engagement ring and a promise to one day marry me and make me the happiest woman alive! It was a huge commitment on his part that I wasn't expecting but nevertheless appreciated and loved him even more for. I couldn't imagine my life nor would I ever want to imagine my life without him in it!

As time went on my mom and I got closer and closer to Kerri and Kelli. I was finally feeling better about my decision to put my son up for an open adoption where I could have a close personal relationship with him and the parents for life. Things would be on their terms of course, and it had already been decided that they would all call me Auntie Stephanie to the baby and I could be part of holidays and important days especially. I would be given the opportunity to have a close personal relationship with my biological son so that I could always see him grow and blossom into someone to be proud of. They would give him everything that I could not give him at the age of sixteen that he deserved.

Although the thought of handing over my baby after hes born straight from the hospital made me a little sad, I thought the arrangement was fair and more than i could ever ask for in a normal adoption, I guess my plan was to hide my pregnancy the whole time and after giving birth, since I was giving him up for adoption already anyways, that no one would ever need to know that I was ever pregnant and that I could go on with my life without skipping a beat after having a child. Oh boy was I so very wrong!

One Wish

My due date of expectancy was set for January 10, 1998.

I attended my high school's winter formal dance on December 20, 1997 with a close friend because Aiden could not attend the dance due to grades. I wore a silk white gown that was closely fitted to my body. It was still not obvious that I was in fact pregnant. Let alone almost nine and a half months pregnant!

Two weeks before my due date my doctor placed me on bed rest, no school till six weeks after labor vacation. Being that people would probably ask questions if I was out of school for two weeks straight I would wait for my mother to go to work and then I would catch the bus and go to school despite doctor's orders. I would arrive on the bus and let everyone see me in the morning and then during all breaks and in between I would be just sitting in the library all day. I did this up until the day I went into labor.

The evening before the day I gave birth to my son I was getting a cramping sensation somewhat compared to a menstrual cramp, maybe a little more severe. When my contractions were around four minutes apart my mother took me to the hospital and they admitted me saying that I was in fact in active labor. The only thing was that I wasn't dilating on my own even though my contractions were coming stronger and faster. My doctor had to put me on pitocin which was a medicine used for helping you to dilate when you're unable to do it on your own.

My doctor applied a gel onto my cervix to help assist with the thinning of my cervix to promote assisted dilation after pitocin given. Around forty five minutes later my contractions were far more severe and I already could not take the pain! Within twenty more minutes I was feeling the need to push! The nurse insisted that it hadn't been long enough for me to be dilated that fully. I urged her that what I was feeling was real and so to humor me she checked my cervix. What do you know I was fully dilated after all! Due to the fact that it only took my body around one hour to fully dilate from 0-10 there was no time to perform an epidural or give pain medication.

I was being wheeled to the delivery room on a gurney in a small local hospital, screaming my brains out from the pain that was so excruciating that i cannot even begin to describe it, there were kids from my school visiting family members at the same hospital that heard and seen me being transported to the delivery room about to have a baby when they never knew I was pregnant!

Once in the delivery room it took me a whole three minutes to push my son out! They said I was a good pusher! My mom watched from behind the curtain being that she faints at the sight of blood, but swears that she was able to see the look on my face the exact moment I gave birth to my son and that she just knew by my face that I had changed my mind and was keeping my baby after all.

She was completely right! The moment I saw his gorgeous little face, I was in love! The amount of love that I instantly had for him was unreal! How could he already mean so much to me? It was a love I had never experienced before and I loved it!

When my mom informed the adoption agent of my decision she said that since I had changed my mind at the last minute that I would need to be the one to tell the adoptive parents myself…..

This will forever stand as one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my whole entire life! It was completely heartbreaking and I absolutely hated being the one to crush their dreams once again. But I had to do what I had to do and so I put my big girl pants on and did what I had to do! My heart will forever break for those people. I hope that they have found it in their heart to forgive me for what I did to them. Also, I truly hope that they eventually were given the opportunity to be parents. I'm sure they've made amazing parents!

Since I wasn't planning on taking him home I had absolutely nothing for him! When the hospital staff found out about my decision to keep him after all, they all got together and rounded up as much baby stuff that they could get there hands on! They were beyond a blessing and helped me so very much that I cannot ever begin to repay them for what they did! They were able to gather blankets, diapers, bottles, pacifiers, wipes, onesies, a car seat, some clothes, and formula for him to eat. I wasn't sure how the hell I was going to do it, but one thing was more than sure to me and that was that I made the right decision no matter what! My baby was completely gorgeous and perfect! And although I was terrified, I couldn't be happier!

The day I was released to go home, my mom had to go back to work and so she couldn't stay home to help me with him and I was so scared! Not to mention my breasts were engorged and I was in awful pain! Being that I didn't know the first thing about breastfeeding or pumping for that matter I was most definitely in for it! I learned as I went and most things were second nature to me and just came naturally.

Before I let you go

Things at home were naturally falling into place thank goodness but one more thing still remained unsettled and hindered me constantly. Oh my goodness, what was I going to say to Aiden? How could I ever begin to gather up the courage first of all, and then what in the hell would I say to him after that?

Since my best friend and his best friend were still together, my best friend informed me of the moment Aiden learned that I in fact did give birth to a baby even though I was not supposed to be pregnant… I guess when the kids that were visiting family members that day went back to school they immediately spoke about what they had seen and heard when I was in labor and news traveled extremely quick and right into Aidens ear. Sonia said that she was with him when he heard the news and his face just went completely blank at first. After he had a moment to process the news she said that he just put his head down and left campus by himself.

In the days to follow Sonia said that he most definitely was not himself whatsoever! He was down and out for the most part and didn't even speak a whole lot.

A few days later when Sonia put a picture of baby Matthew on the front of her binder, Aiden got extremely sad and couldn't even seem to be able to even look at the picture directly. He started to refer to me as, ‘whatshername’ and would no longer call me by name. And to be perfectly honest I didn't deserve to even have a name! The hardest part of all was the six weeks of leave I got from school to bond with the baby at home and Sonia would still tell me about the things that Aiden would say or comment and the things she would hear Aiden say to other people or what they would say to him.

He was completely humiliated and I don't blame him at all. I made a fool of him. I didn't even deserve for him to spit in my face. And to top it all off Sonia said that if Aiden saw the picture of Matthew he would turn it around backwards to no picture. I guess his face was a constant reminder of what took place and the love he lost because of it.

Six weeks later when I went back to school it was beyond awkward walking in the halls and especially running into his friends in the halls and all the dirty looks I got from them on a daily basis.

I know that he was hurting and it killed me inside that I was the cause of his pain.

My first day back in ceramics class I learned that he had transferred out before I came back so he wouldn't have to see me in any type of way. I was pretty sure that the mere thought of me disgusted him to death.

I found out later that day that he had enlisted in the army to leave three days after graduation to get the hell away from me and even the town I live in.

The day of the car show I entered my neighbors truck and so all day was basically a free pass to be at the car show and not have to attend any classes. As usual, Aiden entered his classic truck into the car show and so I would see him walking around during the car show but he would never made eye contact with me at all.

But to be completely honest, I was totally feeling myself that day because after having a baby my body was even better than before i got pregnant! My waist was tiny and my breasts were huge! I was more confident than ever!

After the car show there was a party at a usual mutual friends house that we always had parties at and Sonia talked me into going even though I knew that Aiden would be there. There were a ton of people there as usual but I had never felt more awkward in my life as I did at that very moment.

While Sonia and I were standing around acting like we were talking about something important, she witnessed Aiden glance my way repeatedly over and over. She even counted like twenty five times in a ten minute window that he looked my way. Maybe he was feeling uncomfortable that I was there? Or even embarrassed?

Not long after, someone yelled that the cops were coming and there was no time to leave before they would arrive. We had no choice but to run to a nearby house that was being used for storage. It was fenced in so the police could not enter without permission.

By chance Aiden happened to walk through the gate at the exact same time as I did and being that it was a small gate we had to practically touch to get through it. It was at that moment that we made eye contact, which felt like it lasted forever. Once we were inside the gate Sonia grabbed me by the hand and started dragging me towards Aiden. She pulled me over to him and placed my hand on his and said, “here let's just get this over with already! You'll thank me later!”

I was so embarrassed and I expected him to walk away or get mad or something along those lines, but oddly he didn't.. He looked at me and said, “Come on, let's go somewhere more private and talk!” Then he grabbed me by the hand and pulled me into the house. I was so extremely nervous! Once we were in one of the rooms in the house, I was standing all the way across the room from him super quiet, he just looked at me and said, “You can come a little closer, I’m not going to bite you!” I took like two steps closer to him and he just grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him and hugged me so tight and said, “You don't know how long I’ve been waiting to hold you in my arms!”

I just broke down into tears at that very moment. The truth was that I did very much know how long because I was feeling the same exact way! Only I never thought that it would ever happen because I truly thought that he hated me and never wanted to see me again. We stood there just hugging for what felt like a lifetime and I just bawled my eyes out and kept telling him that I was so so sorry for what I did to him and that I truly missed and loved him so very much. I wanted to say so much more but I was crying so hard that it was hard to get the words out…

I said, “I want you to know that lying to you did not come from a place of hate or wanting to deceive you. Whether it matters or not just know that I was just afraid of losing you. And I wasn't ready to let you go! I know that it was so selfish of me and I’m so very sorry Aiden. Please forgive me.”

We started kissing and then I really lost my shit! Everything that I ever wanted was happening and I was complete for that single moment in time. We spent a couple hours together and shut the rest of the world completely out. It felt like we had not skipped a beat. I had missed him so very much.

I also fully understood the consequences to my actions and I was aware that I completely humiliated him in front of the whole high school. I knew that things could not be back the way they were before and that if there were still a chance for us, it was going to have to be low profile where nobody knew.

After that day we continued to keep in touch and see one another but not really out in the open for everyone to see and judge us. But with only one week left of school and him graduating I knew our time was very limited……..

Suffocate

The day of Aiden's graduation was finally here and I made sure to get there on time so I wouldn't miss a thing.

After the ceremony, when family and friends were allowed to go onto the field to take photos, I made sure to go down there and when I saw an opportunity to catch him for a picture, that's exactly what I did.

Although his parents were most likely not fond of the idea, we took a photo together and it ended up being my absolute favorite picture of us still to date.

Three days later he was gone…. Off to basic training for the army. Even though we had reconciled he still had to fill the obligation that he signed up for.

In the beginning of basic training he started talking to someone that we both went to high school with and so we didn't keep in touch at all. Yes, I was super sad and I missed him dearly but honestly what could I really expect after what I did?

I had no choice but to go on with life without him and it wasn't easy emotionally in the beginning, but as time went on it got easier.

I heard that the new girl he was talking to went up to Alabamba with his parents for his graduation from basic training. I’m not going to act like it didn't bother me at all, but it was just something that I had to get used to. At the end of the day I still wanted him to be happy and if that meant without me, then so be it. It's just the way things had to be….

How deep is your love

Some time after he left Alabama for basic training and went to another state for job training he reached out to me and we reconnected.

I believe that was the beginning of the end for him and that girl. I can't say that I was sad about it, I was glad to see it end.

We were communicating more and more and started joking about me going to visit him in New York once he was stationed there in a few weeks. Our joking turned into serious conversations and then I began to actually check into flights and so forth.

Before I could finalize the trip Aiden called me and informed me that he was getting deployed to Bosnia for almost a year and that my trip to New York would have to wait.

We were now communicating every single day and getting close again. I couldn't help but think that maybe we were meant to be after all since we had already gone through trials and tribulations and we still somehow found our way back to each other.

During that time Aiden had spoken to his father and told him what we had been planning, despite what his mother and father might have felt towards me from before when I hurt him. His father let him know to tell me that anytime I wanted to go visit them I was more than welcome to do so. I felt so much relief that his parents were okay with me again. Or at least they cared enough to fake it.

A few days later Aiden's dad popped up at my house on his way home from work just to check in on me. We stood at my front door talking and he informed me that he was okay with me being back in Aiden's life as long as we were both happy. It meant the world to me to hear that from him. I guess Aiden had also told him that I was working two jobs and had some trouble finding reliable childcare for Matthew and so his father said that anytime I needed them to watch him for me just to take him there and they would watch him for me. I was so shocked but at the same time so happy that they were now accepting of my child as well.

Around a week later there was a tragic accident in my family and my step mother and little brother were killed in a deadly car crash and my father wasn't taking it too well and our home life was getting questionable to say the least. Aiden offered me to go stay with his parents if I needed to and I let him know that I would consider it if need be.

Aiden's father continued stopping by my house weekly just to check in on me and we would stand at my front door talking about life and everything. He would always say, “misery loves company”. I'll never forget that saying, it's always been one of my favorites.

Then Aiden deployed to Bosnia and our only means of communication was for me to drive twenty minutes once a week to Kinko's Copies and use their computers and internet to chat with him, and so I did faithfully for months. His chat would always end with, “Think of me”. And still my response would always read, “Always and forever.”

After many months went by, and it was almost time for him to be back in New York, I picked up where I had left off and started planning my trip again. I purchased my airline tickets and was scheduled to get there only a few days after he would arrive there. Being that I was working two almost full time jobs during that time, I was only able to get a little time off and so I would only be in New York for three days but it was far better than nothing. And I was super excited to see him after not seeing him for so long. I had never been on an airplane so I was nervous, especially to be flying all that way by myself.

The day had finally arrived and it was time for me to fly out.

I had to catch my flight early in the morning because I believe that I was going to have around three or four layovers and plane switches on the way to New York. Thirteen and a half hours later I arrived in Syracuse, New York.

Aiden was there to greet me at the airport with a taxi since he hadn't had time to buy a car yet.

I was beyond excited to see his face! He was just as handsome as ever! It was all smiles and hugs from him.

Since I was only going to be there for three days and he still had to work every day that I would be there, we decided that I would just stay in the barracks with him and his roommate instead of booking a hotel.

After arriving at Fort Drum army base in Fort Drum New York and resting for a bit, we decided that he and his sergeants would take me out for dinner and drinks at a restaurant/bar on base. I showered and got dressed for the night and we headed out to enjoy ourselves. When I think back to that time it's surreal and almost a blur since it feels like it happened a lifetime ago. But at the same time there are parts of it that I remember as clear as day.

The next day Aiden and I went to the local mall. While we were there we went to the movie theatre inside the mall. When we arrived back at the barracks Aiden got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. He must have gone to the jewelry store across from the movie theatre when he went to use the restroom. Of Course I said YES! I mean, who doesn't want to have a happily ever after?

I wish I had savored that moment more now. Was this really happening? Was I actually getting the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with my true love? These were all feelings that I remember feeling at that very moment.

When Aiden talked to his parents a little while later, he told them the news. They both seemed excited for us, although I wouldn’t blame them at all if they had any reservations. I mean, I did lie to him on multiple occasions and so I could see how his parents would be concerned that I might possibly do it again.

The next morning we enjoyed breakfast together and then we went to the PX to pick up some supplies because I wanted to make Aiden a photo collage of him and I to hang in his room. While we were there Aidens sergeant called and asked if we would like to have dinner at his house with him and his wife. We agreed and headed right over there after leaving the PX.

The Sergeant and his wife were so nice! We all ate dinner together and then I started making the photo collage for Aiden, and the Sergeant's wife even helped me.

While we worked on the collage we talked about our plans for the wedding and she informed me of all the benefits that the army has to offer married couples. We had to leave pretty early because I was flying home very early the next morning and had to pack my things still so we said our goodbyes and nice to meet you and headed back to the barracks.

After packing my things we just enjoyed each other's company until we fell asleep.

When the alarm went off early in the morning the last thing that I wanted to do was get up and leave him. I was already feeling sad and missing him and I wasn't even gone yet.

We packed all my things into a taxi and headed for the airport which was a little over an hour away in Syracuse, New York. We held each other the entire ride, which was the fastest hour of my life. When we arrived at the airport Aiden walked me to my gate and we both hugged one another and just cried. I didn't want to go home! I wanted to stay right there with him! The only one reason I even remotely wanted to go home was to see my son. I missed him dearly.

As I walked towards my plane I kept looking back to see if he was still there waiting for me to get on the plane, and he was. I could see him the whole time, even when I sat in my seat on the airplane. I was able to see his face even as the plane was taking off, until we got too high and I couldn't see him any longer.

It was a very long flight back, being that it was thirteen and a half hours until I would be in California. I slept the entire flight, except for one airplane switch and a slight layover in between flights.

When I arrived back in Fresno, California my very good friend whom I had let keep my car, and watch my son, was there to pick me up. Even after such a long day and flights the entire day, I was still pretty sad and down. It did, however, cheer me up to see my baby for the first time in four days! He was all smiles!

I was not looking forward to getting back to reality and back into the swing of things at work and at home.

The good news is that I wouldn't have to miss Aiden for very long because he would be coming down to visit for a week in a couple weeks.

The only one thing that I was concerned or worried about was that Aiden had not really met my son yet formally. He had seen him a few times but had never really been face to face with him at all, and being that we were getting married it was very important to me for them to bond at some point. I was nervous about how easy that would be for Aiden considering what had happened in regards to my son and everything that had taken place in high school. I mean, the whole reason Aiden enlisted in the army and left three days after graduation was to get as far away from me as possible!

Let's get married

Two weeks after arriving back home from my trip to New York Aiden was getting ready to board a plane to come home to visit. We had made plans for me to ride all the way to San Francisco with his parents to pick him up from the airport. We left home around four a.m in order to get there a little early so that we could greet him when he got off the airplane.

I had never been alone with his parents for that long ever! I was super nervous before and at first but it was actually very comfortable once we got going. To be very honest I don't even remember what it was that we talked about the whole time on the road. I do know that at some point during the drive I must have fallen asleep because the next thing that I remember was being woken up when we arrived in San Francisco.

We arrived at the air terminal just as Aiden's plane was landing and made it right on time to greet him as he was getting off. I didn't want to take all of his time being that I had just seen him a few weeks before and his parents had not seen him in such a long time, and so I stayed a little behind his parents so that they could get to him first. Of Course when it was my turn I ran up to him and gave him a gigantic hug and kiss!

We all went out to eat in San Francisco before we headed home to Fresno.

I remember thinking at that very moment that I truly never thought it would ever be possible to be in that situation with him and his family after I did what I did in the past. It was all so surreal! As happy as I was to be with him once again, I was equally afraid and nervous about him being able to bond with my son. The last thing that I wanted to do was force or push my son upon him too fast and make him feel uncomfortable.

When we finally got back into Fresno it was kinda late at night and it was extremely foggy outside and so I just stayed the night with Aiden at his parents house.

The next morning we all made breakfast and ate together. I had to leave right after because I had to pick up my son from his aunt. Before I left Aiden's house his dad told me that if I wanted to come back with my son after I picked him up I was more than welcome to which I thought was so thoughtful and caring, but I still just wasn't sure that Aiden shared the same thoughts as his father….

I asked Aiden if he’d like to come with me to pick up my son so that he could be around him at least once before he would be around him at his house in front of people. He looked very nervous about it but he accepted nevertheless.

When we arrived at my son's aunt's house I went inside to get my son while he waited in my car and when I brought my son back to the car and put him in his car seat, Aiden looked so uncomfortable. He looked like he had seen a ghost or something. I didn't know what to do at that moment to make him feel more comfortable with the situation. It was so very extremely obvious that he wasn't quite over everything that took place previously and I was beginning to question if he ever would be comfortable with having my son around him……

Mentally I had already decided that instead of going inside when we got back to his house, that I would just drop him off and me and my son would go back home and just give him some time to process everything.

When we pulled up to his house his father was outside and came over to my car when he realized that we were not getting out to go inside, and when he asked if I was coming inside I just kinda broke down and told him that I feared that Aiden would never accept my son fully because of what happened in high school. Aiden's father stated that it would be fine, and that all that Aiden needed was to be around my son more so that he could get used to the idea and comfortable with him being around and began to take my son out of his car seat. By that time, a few of Aiden's friends from high school had arrived and so I was feeling very uneasy about taking my son inside around everyone. But really I think that I was more embarrassed than anything, but only about my own actions in high school and the fact that I lied so much!

Aiden's father picked my son up and began to carry him into the house, swearing that this is what Aiden needed to become more familiar and comfortable with the idea of my son being around and so I had no choice and neither did Aiden for that matter!

It meant the world to me that Aiden's father was so accepting of my son and determined to make him a permanent member in his family. I just wish that I knew how to get Aiden to feel the same way.

While Aiden greeted his friends and began to catch up with them, my son ran around trying to get into everything as any one year old usually does, and his father, bless his heart, just chased him around as calm as can be, like any patient grandparent would.

After a little while of that I felt that it was probably time for my son to take a nap and being that the only way that i could get him to go to sleep was to take him for a drive with the music blasting so that he was unable to keep talking up a storm, I put him back into the car and asked Aiden if he could please come with us because I really needed to talk to him about something important.

When we started driving the music was so loud that it was very hard to start a conversation, let alone about something important and so I waited for my son to fall asleep before I could begin my talk.

After what felt like forever he finally crashed out and while still driving to ensure that he remained asleep, I brought up that I was worried and concerned that he may not ever accept my son or be comfortable with him around him. I also expressed my concern about being engaged, planning a wedding, and the fact that he was going to be my son's stepfather after we were married. I was not sure what was going to speed up the process or if it was even possible…

I dropped him off back at home with the issue unresolved for the most part. Before I drove away his dad came to the car and told me that it would work out and be okay, just to be patient and give it some time.

I had no choice but to just give it time. Although I’d be lying if I said that I wasn't completely worried about getting married and my husband not accepting my son. It was all that I could think about…….

Being that I took all those days off to go to New York, I had to work every day that Aiden was visiting. Aiden's father even watched my son for a couple of days while I was at work, and supposedly Aiden even helped a little bit with him. I guess maybe all that was needed was some time. Maybe I was being a little dramatic but it was so important that the two most important men in my life liked each other.

One day Aiden showed up to my work and purchased me a CD that I had been telling him I wanted, 112. It had a song on it that totally reminded me of him. Cupid! We ended up going to the movies and we listened to the album over and over the whole way there.

The next day was Aiden's last day home and then he had to go back to New York. We once again made plans for me to ride with his parents back from taking him to San Francisco to the airport.

The last day we talked a lot about the wedding with his parents and agreed on a few things:

He would wear his army dress blues for the ceremony.

My colors would be navy, champagne/gold.

We were most likely going to have it at an outside venue.

We were planning it for one of his visits home around Christmas time.

Abel and Sonia would be our best man and maid of honor.

For some reason even with all the talk and planning of the wedding it still didn't feel one hundred percent real! Almost like I couldn't picture it happening….

That night before we had to leave to take him to catch his plane in San Francisco, I had my son there at his parents house with us and Aiden was so much more involved when it came to my son in general. It was apparent that he was really trying! It was definitely a start for sure!

Before we went to bed for the night we took my son and dropped him off with his aunt so she could watch him while we went to San Francisco for the day. Aiden even hugged him goodbye before we left! I knew that it was awkward for him but he was actually making an attempt to be involved and try to get over his issues related to the birth of my son. What more could I ask for?

The next morning we had to be up very early to leave for San Francisco and once again I was going to have to say goodbye to my love and it broke my heart.

The four hour drive that it took to get there was a special and memorable moment that I will never forget. Although we were just sitting in the back of the car while his parents drove, we cuddled and cried and it meant the world to me.

It was moments like that I felt completely loved and utterly and hopelessly in love. He was the sole reason that I now knew what true love really felt like and was.

When we arrived at the airport in San Francisco for some reason it was a much harder goodbye than all the ones before. It seemed as though we had grown even closer than ever before and if it was possible, I was even more in love with him than ever before!

This time it was me that stood there waiting for the airplane to leave the ground, and eventually disappear out of sight, while trying to wipe away all the tears from my eyes. We waited until we couldn't see the aircraft anymore and then finally exited the terminal.

All that I remember from the way home was that I cried the whole way home until I fell asleep.

The very next day when I spoke to Aiden on the phone he informed me that he was going to have some time coming up soon and that I should go visit again but this time for a whole week! Being that I was working two jobs and expecting a tax return back, we agreed that he would go ahead and pay for my plane ticket now and everything while I'm there and as soon as I get my tax return, I would give him a check for whatever I could.

A few days later he bought the ticket and I was once again going to New York, but only this time it was for a good amount of time and even better, he would not be working the whole time like he was before. He was finally going to be all mine! I was super excited! I had never been more excited in my entire life!

This time we were going to stay at an Inn instead of sneaking in the barracks. Aiden booked reservations at the Watertown Inn right on base so that he would be close since he still had to go to physical training every morning.

So far there was only one thing that he had not been able to do and that was that he had not had time to buy a car yet and so we would be going everywhere via taxi as we did the last time i went over there.

Aiden wanted to go to some night clubs in the bigger city. He wanted to look at the housing on base for when we got married. He had also been talking about wanting to go look at cars to buy one to have over there. He hated taking taxis everywhere all the time.

One week before I was flying out to New York my mom and I went wedding dress shopping at one of the largest reputable bridal warehouses locally. Luftenberg's Bridal! Within the first three dresses that I tried on, I found my perfect dress! It was gorgeous! It was a strapless, corset type, large cinderella ball gown type wedding dress with beading everywhere! I knew that it was the perfect dress for me because when I came out wearing it my mother cried. I couldn't believe that I actually found my dream wedding dress! My mom put a $500.00 deposit on it to order it and she would pay for the rest of it when we picked it up in a couple weeks.

I was so excited about finding my dress that the very next day I took Aiden's mom to the bridal store so that i could show her it. I was able to try it on for her and she loved it! She said it was absolutely gorgeous! Aside from the dress topic, I couldn't believe that Aiden's mother and I were getting along so well! We were actually kind of bonding. I truly never thought that would ever happen in a million years! Out of everyone in his entire family, he was the closest to her. They had a very close relationship. Her approval meant everything to me! I called Aiden that day in such a good mood. I was so happy!

All the wedding planning was going to have to come to a halt for a week so that I could go to New York to visit my love again.

The day had come once again for me to catch my flight out of Fresno to Syracuse, New York and being that it was hot outside I wore a tank top and shorts. Thirteen hours later when I landed in New York, there was snow on the ground! I couldn't believe it!

I had to go into the airport restroom and change into something warm because it was actually snowing there!

When Aiden greeted me at the airport it was once again kismet! I followed him into the parking garage where he said our taxi was waiting. He led me to a brand new Honda Civic that he had just secretly bought to surprise me with. Yay! We would be able to go wherever we wanted to go whenever we wanted! No more taxis for us! I was so surprised, he had been at the dealership buying that car all day and kept it a complete secret from me!

I was so excited to be in New York again! I love it there! It's completely gorgeous over there! Upstate New York, not New York City! Upstate is nothing like the city. It’s all green for as long as you can see.

We checked into our room, freshened up, and then went out to eat. A few of Aiden's sergeants also joined us. It was my first time ever at Hooters! All the sergeants ordered the same exact thing. Oysters! I could not bring myself to try them. They looked so gross! I didn't like anything from the ocean, let alone shellfish of any kind!

Later on after dinner the sergeants all got together and decided to take us out to a nightclub.

The first one we went to was a huge building called, “The Mirage.” It was multiple stories, the bar was at the bottom right in the middle and you could see all the levels above. Each level had multiple privacy cabanas. It was like nothing I had ever seen before!

The bar and the dance floor were jam packed and you couldn't even walk without bumping into someone. Aiden and I were dancing and the sergeants just kept bringing me shot after shot of Jagermeister. I'm not even exactly sure how many i had, since there were so many throughout the night! Within like an hour I was so so wasted!

Eventually it became too packed and we left to head to another place that was on base so that nobody would have to drive too wasted and risk getting a DUI or worse, in an accident. During the hour drive back to base I was feeling pretty sick. But the last thing that i wanted to do was vomit in front of everyone and look like a lightweight! I just put my head on Aiden's shoulder and tried so hard to keep it in!

I guess everyone decided that they wanted to eat somewhere before we got back onto base and so we stopped at a Denny's forty five minutes from the club we were at. The second we stopped I got out of the car and dropped to my knees and tried to throw up but I just couldn't! Aiden tried to stay with me and help me but I was just too embarrassed to let him. I told him to go ahead and just go inside with the guys and that I would be in there as soon as I felt better. I never was able to get it out of my system, but oddly I started to feel better anyways. It was almost like a switch turned off and all of a sudden I wasn't drunk or feeling sick anymore!

I then proceeded to go inside and join the guys, but I still didn't feel like eating just yet. When everyone was finished we headed back to base and had just enough time to stop at the bar that the sergeants had wanted to stop at. I really didn't want to go anywhere else, I just didn't want to be a party pooper. We were only there for a short while and during that time Aiden and I played pool.

We were forced to leave abruptly because one of the sergeants almost got into a fight. We all piled into a taxi and the sergeant that was driving just left his car there.

The next day I felt pretty awful but I wasn't going to let anything get in the way of enjoying my time there. We got up and went to the mall in the nearest big city. It was the biggest mall I had ever seen! It was three stories tall! We walked around and did a little shopping. We ate lunch at Applebee's and then we went back to our room to relax the rest of the evening.

We had talked about wanting to visit Niagara Falls but being that I didn't have a passport and technically it's in another country they wouldn't allow me across the border. We decided that we would eventually go there at some point in the future together.

The rest of the week we didn't really do much other than go out to eat and just enjoy each other's company privately. But that was okay with me because I loved spending quality time with him. He was the other piece of my heart. My son occupied one half and him the other. If I could have, I would have picked up everything and just moved there with him leaving everything and everybody behind no questions asked.

We had talked about it and decided that it was best to wait until after we were married so that the army would cover our living expenses completely.

The week went by far too fast and before I knew it was time to get ready to head back home. This time was much harder to say goodbye than anytime I've ever had to before. It was probably because this time I knew that I wouldn't be seeing him again for a while. Or at least that's what I thought…….

We said our goodbyes the next morning as I boarded my plane to head back to California. It was a bittersweet moment as I was so sad to be leaving him, but with the fresh memories of the time we spent together that whole week all the way across the United States of America.

When my airplane landed in California my good friend was there to pick me up once again. I dropped her off at home and went directly home to see my son. I was so tired from an entire day of traveling. It was getting late and so when I got home I layed down with my son and quickly fell asleep.

Differences

Sometime around 3:00 a.m. on September 08, 2000, my cell phone was ringing off the hook and woke me up. When I finally answered it was my cousin on the other end asking me if I would pick him up because he had been drinking and could not drive. I was extremely tired but could not say no because I had always told my friends and family that if they ever needed a ride due to drinking that I would be there just to call and not drive.

I got up and informed my grandmother that I would be right back and just to keep an eye on my son.

I followed the directions that my cousin gave me which led me to a house that I was not familiar with. As I was pulling up to the house my phone died. I sat in my car for a few minutes waiting for him to come out but he didn't. I was left with no choice but to get out of the car and go to the door and get him. When I got to the door and knocked, a girl answered and said that my cousin was dancing and that I could come inside and get him because he was very drunk. I tried calling his name but the music was kinda loud and he couldn't hear me. I began talking to the girl that opened the door for me. It turns out her name was Stephanie too.

When the song was over my cousin finally saw me and came over to me. I don't know how he did it but he talked me into staying a while and having a drink with him. Well a little while turned into a few hours and before I knew it I had a little buzz and could no longer drive either.

A few more of their friends showed up a little while later and as my cousin introduced me to them I recognized one of them to be my son's fathers friend. He also knew Aiden as well. I showed him my ring and informed him that we were now engaged. He congratulated me and then went to the backyard to drink with everyone.

There was a guy there I had never seen before that kept trying to flirt with me and actually he was kind of annoying. If I had been sober and able to drive home I would have most definitely gone home right then because this guy was really getting on my nerves! Every time that I would go into another room to get away from him, he would eventually end up in the same room as me. I think the more annoyed I got, the more I drank! It wasn't too long before everyone was drunk. By that time any and all good judgement I may have had was thrown out the window!

It was right at that moment that someone said that we should all take ecstasy together and that his friend had just showed up with it. For some stupid reason none of us had an argument as to why we shouldn't do it. Which was really really dumb of us!

We all took a pill at the same time and it wasn't even but about twenty minutes later and we were all messed up! I mean, at that exact moment I had no arguments or complaints because I have to admit that I did feel very zen. My body just felt good. And I just felt oddly happy! Not a care in the world! Aside from all the weird things that my body was uncontrollably doing I felt great!

There were a few people dancing, there were a couple people just sitting or laying there with their eyes closed, but not asleep just listening to the music, and then there were the rest of us trying to have conversations, but unable to talk normally.

Somewhere in the midst of all that going on the really annoying guy ended up laying next to me without me even realizing and successfully joining our little group of new friends.

It was so crazy because after taking that little pill nobody irritated me any longer. I just felt happy and loving to everyone there. Even people that I didn't even know yet.

I don't know if he planned it that way or it was just by coincidence, but somehow he and I ended up going into the backyard away from everyone else to talk since the music inside was way too loud to be able to hear anything.

I honestly don't even remember what it was that we talked about when we were out there, I just remember waking up outside and it being daylight and feeling very confused because I didn't have any recollection of falling asleep at all.

I pretty much took off out to my car and jumped in it and took off home. I was worried that my son would already be awake and my grandma would be mad at me for not coming home all night.

When I got home my son was awake but my grandma had already fed him and changed him and he was being good just watching cartoons. The rest of the day I just felt as if I was in a twilight zone. I had never felt like that in my entire life! It wasn't easy to keep up with my son all day by any means, but I had no choice in the matter.

Needless to say when it was time for bed I had no problem whatsoever falling asleep and remaining that way for like twelve hours!

The next afternoon after I woke up I got a call from my cousin telling me that he had given my number to that annoying guy moments before that and that he would probably be calling me soon.

Ten minutes later sure enough my phone rings and it was him on the other end. We ended up talking on the phone for like two hours. His name was Richard and even though I had no interest in talking to him nor any business entertaining him due to the fact that I was engaged, at that time I guess I didn't see anything wrong with just talking to him as a friend.

One day turned into two, then three, then four, and five! During all these days of communicating things at home for me were going downhill fast. My dad was growing extremely agitated very fast and I was having to ‘walk on eggshells’ at all times to prevent a ticking time bomb from going off! Any time my dad got mad things would inevitably end up broken and we would end up belittled and degraded. He was most definitely not a very nice calm person when he was upset! He was scary when he got like that.

I guess that's when I began to talk to Richard more and more. I feel like it was only because with everything getting so difficult at home I just needed someone to talk to and confide in. A shoulder to lean on if you will.

Aiden at that point was so busy starting job training for the army that he was only really calling me probably once a week if that. Not to make excuses but I was most definitely feeling very lonely and with times getting harder for me at home I very much needed a friend and some kind of support from just anyone that would give it to me at that point.

One afternoon I was getting ready in the bathroom and my dad just started screaming at my grandma extremely loud and crazy and so I went into the kitchen to see what was going on. The reason didn't even matter because how he was talking to her and yelling at her was completely inappropriate! It got me beyond furious! My grandma was like my second mom my whole life and I loved her so very much! I just grabbed my son who was crawling around the kitchen floor at that moment, and took him with me into the bathroom to finish getting ready and I unintentionally slammed the bathroom door behind me. It only took about three seconds for my dad to kick the door in with my son in my arms standing right behind it. The door came right off the hinges landing right on top of us and causing us to fall on the floor. My dad just continued yelling and foaming at the mouth at me while my son and I just lay on the floor crying. The last straw for me was when he proceeded to kick me while we were down there. Things were just way past acceptable at that point and I had to do something about getting out of there fast!

After probably around forty five minutes of his continued ‘verbal abuse’, he finally stopped and went into his room and shut his door. I picked up my son and ran to my room, grabbed a few things in a panic and ran straight for the front door! We jumped in my car and took off! I didn't even know where I was going nor did I have a place to go.

We drove to a random gas station and just parked and turned the car off. I didn't know what to do, I was so upset and in tears. I don't know why the first person that came to mind to call was Richard, but I dialed his number and could barely catch my breath to talk when he answered the phone.

I explained everything that had just taken place and he responded with, “hey i'll call you right back okay?” I hung up and probably less than ten minutes later he called me back. He let me know that if my son and I needed a place to go that we were more than welcome to go to his house and that he had already asked his mother if it was okay with her first. She said yes that it was fine with her. Not only did I not know him very well, but I most definitely didn't know his mother or any of his family for that matter! I told him that I appreciated the offer but that we were okay.

Basically my son and I slept in my car that night. It wasn't that we didn't have anywhere at all to go, but that I refused to burden anybody and force our presence on them. I was going to take full care of myself and my son on my own without anyone's handout or help, at all costs!

On what was about to be night number two of us sleeping in my car, Richard called and practically begged me to just go to his house for at least one night only and being that I was lacking many options, I agreed hesitantly and headed to his house.

When we arrived there he came outside to my car and looked so concerned for me and my son. He offered to get my son out of his car seat and carry him inside for me. When we got inside he told me to make myself at home and that we could take a shower or whatever we wanted to do. He said not to worry about anything, just to treat it as if it were our own house and to help ourselves to whatever we wanted in the kitchen, and that we didn't have to ask first.

For barely knowing the guy he was sure, kind and generous. Even though I felt like more than a burden I sucked it up and did what I had to do for my son and I in order to be comfortable for at least that night alone. Yes, it was for damn sure uncomfortable to let down my pride and let someone I barely even knew help me in such a big way, but I really had no choice, my son deserved more than being trapped in a car at night to sleep in.

We showered, ate, watched a movie, and then when it was time to go to sleep, Richard told me to take his room and his bed. He said he would sleep on the couch in the living room so that we could be comfortable and have enough room to sleep together. We accepted the offer and slept so well that night.

The next morning when I woke up he was already awake and immediately told me that my son and I were more than welcome to stay for as long as we wanted and that he had already confirmed it with his mother.

I was beyond shocked at how hospitable he and his mother were to us. I was very impressed! I was beginning to overlook my previous opinion of him. Maybe I was wrong about him from the very beginning?

Since all of this happened I had been calling out from work since I had know one to watch my son and I was then worried about losing my job completely. I guess Richard overheard my phone conversation that evening with my grandma about not having anyone to watch my son because not even a second after I hung up he offered to watch my son while I went to work anytime I needed him to. Although I was very grateful for his offer and very impressed with his kindness, my pride wouldn't allow me to accept right away.

I had one more day off before I absolutely had to go back to work or I'd lose my job all together, and so I used that time to sneak into my house while my father was asleep to get some of our clothes and hygiene items to last only two more days or so. I was very appreciative that Richard was letting us stay with him, but the situation was very temporary and only due to unforeseen circumstances.

The next day I went home just to test the waters and see if things were cool with my dad yet, like I had expected them to be, but instead he was in an even worse mood than the last time. When I saw that he was without a doubt in a horrible mood I just cut my losses and left. There was no way that I was going to take the chance of what happened last time, happening again. Or even worse!

When I got into my car I was very upset because I truly thought that things would be smoothed over and fine by then and that I’d be able to go home right after work. I was very stressed and worried about staying at Richards again, or even having to stay more nights. I knew that it was completely wrong for me to even be associating with him at all, but at the time it seemed like I had no choice. Plus my mindset was that it should be okay because I wasn't doing anything wrong, and it was completely innocent. Boy was I so wrong! I knew that I definitely would not be okay with it if it was the other way around and it was Aiden in my position. I would without a doubt be furious! But still I continued to stay there and over the next few days Richard and I got a little closer… Entirely much too close….

I don't know what had come over me. I know that I felt like my world was falling apart.

As if things couldn't get any worse, that's exactly what they did! I went home to visit my grandma because I had been trying to call her for like four days but she was not answering my calls at all, and when I got there and knocked on the door nobody would answer the door either. I walked all the way around through the backyard to the glass sliding door that leads into my grandmother's living room and it was unlocked. When I walked in she was not in her usual recliner chair in front of the television. As I was walking towards the front part of the house, which was my dad's section of the house, as I was passing her bathroom I saw her on the ground wedged between the shower and the toilet and she's not moving. My first thought was that she had to be dead! I immediately ran to get the phone and I called 911! While i'm on the phone with dispatch, hysterically crying and freaking out, I was also trying to see if she was still alive and breathing or not. She had a pulse but it was so weak.

Dispatch instructed me how to start CPR on her until the paramedics could get there. Her head was gashed so badly from hitting the metal track of the shower door and there was blood everywhere but it was already dry. I wondered how long she had been there and it broke my heart to think that maybe she had been there for over a day or even more.

The paramedics arrived extremely fast and were able to get her semi-conscious fairly quickly thank goodness.

They then transported her to the hospital via ambulance and I

followed. When we got there I was able to see her really quick right before they took her to emergency. She looked really confused, probably due to the blow she took to the head when she fell, but I was just so grateful that she was still alive.

After waiting for around three hours in the waiting area they finally came and called my name and let me go see her. When I walked into her room there was a nurse in there putting staples in her head. I expected her to still be confused but this time she wasn't! She was completely calm and collected and didn't even flinch when they were applying the staples into her skull.

I started to talk to her just to see if the fall caused any of her motor skills to quit, but aside from the huge gash on top of her head, she seemed fine.

She told me that she thinks that she was on the floor for over a whole entire day and just the thought of that being true completely broke my heart.

When the nurse was done stapling her head up, the hospital released her and I drove her back home. I stayed there with her until my father got home. The only reason that I spoke to him was to inform him about what happened to my grandmother. Then I gave her a hug and a kiss and left again.

That would be the very last time I ever saw my grandma alive again….Since my dad and I were not on talking terms he didn't even tell me when she passed. I found out three days later, and only because I called him and asked him where she was because she wasn't answering the phone once again and I was concerned.

What would have happened if I hadn't called him to ask him about her? My grandma was like a second mother to me. She meant everything to me. Her death most definitely took a piece of my heart, and changed me in a way that things would never be exactly the same ever again……

From the moment my grandmother died my father just got more depressed and moody. He was like a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off at any moment unexpectedly.

My anxiety level was at an all time high for sure and all that I wanted was to be able to be at home with my son and not staying at someone else's house to whom I barely even knew. My world was falling apart fast and depression was beginning to set in. I no longer recognized myself anymore……

I will never forget that date for as long as I live. It was September 28, 2000. That night I made a decision that would again change my life forever….

The worst part about it was that I don't even know why I did it? It was not something that I ever thought about or ever wanted and so that will probably always remain a standing question that I do not have an answer to.

That night at Richards I gave in and had sex with him. I don't know what I was thinking at the time or why I would jeopardize my future with my true love, but nevertheless that's exactly what I had now most definitely done. I hated myself immediately for what I had done. I felt so sick about what I had done that I gathered all my things, my son's things and my son, and we got in the car and drove home. I didn't even care about how my dad was possibly going to act or what might happen if he gets into one of his rages again! I was willing to take my chances at that point.

When we arrived back home my father was not there. My son and I got into bed, watched a movie and fell asleep before he got back home.

That next morning when my son and I woke up my father was awake and cleaning up the kitchen while listening to music. I was kind of shocked since he had been in such a horrible mood lately. Maybe he was finally getting over it and going to be his normal self again? There was only one way to find out without having to wait and that was to walk into the kitchen or pass the kitchen so that he could see that we were home, and just see how he reacts. So that's what we did! I carried my son right past the kitchen and he saw us right away! He turned the music down and in a semi-raised voice said, 'hey can you come here when you have a minute please?’

A few minutes later after I finished freaking out in my room I went into the kitchen and he asked me to please sit down at the kitchen table so we could have a talk. He looked kinda sad in a way and that is not the emotion I expected to see from him. The first thing he said to me was even more shocking! He said, ‘I’m glad that you guys are back home. No matter what, this will always be your home.’

Although I was relieved to hear him say that, I was a little annoyed with myself that I could have come home way before I did and that I stayed with someone I barely even knew for nothing. Then again maybe it was a good idea to go when I did because things could have escalated a whole lot more had I not left when I did. I wonder if my father knows exactly what it's like dealing with himself, especially when he's upset or mad about something? My guess is, ‘not at all!’

Our talk ended with us hugging and him apologizing to my son and myself.

Things went back to their usual way throughout the next few weeks. I continued working and actually took on a second job and so I was extremely busy and hardly ever home at all.

During this time I had decided that I was no longer going to associate with Richard at all. It wasn't worth risking my relationship with Aiden although I know that I already had…..

What am i gonna do

Aiden called me one day and informed me that he would be visiting California again in around three or four months, but he was still looking for plane tickets to buy.

Guilt was beginning to set-in about what I had done in regards to Richard. I was feeling so bad. Part of me really wanted to just confess to him and tell him everything, but I was once again just too scared of losing Aiden. I know that I truly regretted what I did. I don't even know why I did what I did….

Aiden and I continued to speak regularly over the phone and continued to plan our wedding over the next couple months.

A week before my birthday in December I began to feel sick, the same way that I did in the past when I was pregnant with my son. I let it carry on a couple of days before I finally went and bought a pregnancy test and took it. Sure enough I was in fact pregnant!

Oh no! That was the worst possible thing that could happen at that moment in time! I immediately called to schedule a doctor appointment to find out exactly how far along I was.

Two weeks later at my doctor's appointment I found out that my due date would be June 28. Meaning, I was almost four months pregnant already! Which happened to be exactly nine months to the exact day, after I slept with Richard.

But realistically I knew that there was a chance that the baby could be either one of theirs.

I immediately called my mother and told her that I needed to talk to her in person and that it was urgent! She said that I could come right over to her house and that's exactly what I did! When I arrived there I told her everything! Even the part about not knowing exactly who the father was. She let me know that she would support my decision no matter what I decided to do. I most definitely had a lot to think about and a huge decision to make!

Over the next few days I thought a lot about my options and the whole entire situation just stressed me out beyond belief! Some time within the next few days I made the decision to have an abortion. Being that I didn't really understand all the demographics of being pregnant and the ins and outs of an exact time table, I, like every other person on the planet, just assumed that women are pregnant for nine months. Which in my head meant that Richard had to be the father then…

I just couldn’t keep this baby and still marry Aiden thinking that someone else was the father.

The next day when I contacted a place to perform the abortion I was informed that I was too far along already to have a simple procedure terminating the pregnancy locally. If I wanted to terminate the pregnancy still I would have to travel over three hours away to Los Angeles to the nearest facility that performs late term abortions and stay there overnight! Although my mother did not agree with my decision, she decided to still support me and be the one to take me to Los Angeles. We left at 4:00 a.m. the very next morning so that we could get there for my appointment on time which was early. The drive there was awkward and very quiet at first, until my mother decided to talk to me about how she felt about my decision to terminate the pregnancy. She even got emotional, which my mother does not normally do at all! Although I understood where she was coming from I had already made the choice to have her take me to Los Angeles and we were almost there.

When we arrived at the facility it was not at all what I had expected. I guess I was expecting a hospital-like atmosphere and it was not like that at all! It looked institutionalized more than it looked safe! After staff explained the procedure to us completely and then informed us that they could not begin until the following morning after all due to time restrictions my mom and I were left with no choice but to book a hotel room for the night and remain in the area until the next morning when I could be admitted to the facility.

I definitely was not aware of the kind of procedure that was required in order to terminate the pregnancy in later terms. I honestly was terrified after they explained the process that would take place the next morning. It was so much more riskier than I ever expected!

My mom and I settled into our hotel room before we went to grab something to eat for dinner. When we got back to our hotel room my mother started asking me questions about if I was scared about the procedure and also reminding me that I have other options available to me other than abortion. To be completely honest, nothing really felt like a good option! Every choice came with a huge sacrifice or price I would have to pay. My mother then proceeded to plant it in my head that I could just have the baby and give it to her. She said that she would take full responsibility for him or her. As thankful as I was for my mother being so supportive of me and her willingness to help me get through this without terminating my pregnancy, I knew that if I did indeed make the choice to have this baby, that I would take full responsibility for him or her. I could not allow my mother to sacrifice herself and have to take care of a newborn and all of the work that comes with it. I dont remember exactly what it was that she said that got to me but at some point I decided and agreed with my mother to cancel the abortion and have the baby. She also recommended that we stay in Los Angeles for the rest of the weekend and make a trip out of it since we were already there. I figured that she did that so that I wouldn't feel bad for her having to drive me all the way over there for no reason. I'm not sure if she ever really knew how much I appreciated her for everything she did for me that weekend or in general for that matter! She’s always been the true definition of what a mothers supposed to be! Her love has always been unconditional and she's always supported me and been there to help me with whatever I've gotten myself into. I couldn’t have asked for a better mother!

We visited the wax museum the next day and walked on the Hollywood walk of fame which was really cool! We had a lot of fun together! It was like she was rewarding me for making the right decision, but the decision itself would turn out to be the reward in the end! I knew that I was making the right choice but I was terrified and nervous about dealing with the consequences of my actions when I arrived back home. What was I going to tell Aiden? Was my chance for Happily ever after ruined? How was I going to reason that even though he is my true love I cheated on him? I was already feeling very defeated…

When I arrived back home I tried so many times to muster up the courage to finally come clean with Aiden and tell him the truth about everything, but I was a coward and driven by my own selfish desires.

Since I obviously hoped that Aiden was the father I reasoned mentally any little detail that would imply that to be true. Here I was once again in a predicament where I was faced with jeopardizing my future with Aiden and I just knew that I could lose him for good this time…….

Now you would think that after almost losing him the first time that I would learn my lesson and never ever lie to him about anything ever again, but apparently I like to make things harder on myself. (in a sarcastic voice) It was at that very moment that I called Aiden and told him that I had just found out that I was pregnant. Being that I wasn't honest with him about Richard, there was absolutely no reason for him to question the paternity of the baby, and so he obviously just assumed to be the father.

When I heard how happy he was about it, there was no way that I could tell him what I thought was the truth. He also informed me that he would be down during New Years and that we were going to spend it together.

The next two weeks flew by so fast and before I knew it, it was the day before Aiden would get into town.

The next day I arrived at his parents house so that we could just drive together to pick Aiden up from the airport. This time he flew into our local airport instead of four hours away.

Even though Aiden and I had told his parents about the baby and had many conversations over the phone together with them, I had not seen them in months. Being that I was now almost four and a half months, I knew they were probably going to be shocked when they saw my stomach.

Much to my surprise neither one of them acted shocked or even the least bit surprised by the size of my stomach! Together we drove to the airport and picked up the love of my life. Aiden wanted to go to the Lemoore Naval Base later that night to celebrate New Years together at their nightclub on site, and it didn't even seem to turn him off that I was most definitely ‘showing’ and we were going to be at a bar/club.

We ended up dancing the whole night away! We had a blast! While we were on the dance floor Aiden got down his face to my belly and said, “Hey is my baby in there?” He then put his mouth on my stomach and held a kiss for what seemed like forever. He was so happy that we were having a baby, I felt that if I told him the truth it would break his heart. That night started the first of many where he would just get down near my belly and hold it and just say, “you better be taking care of my baby.” The more he said it, it seemed to feel more real. Deep down inside though I felt guilt beyond measure. Even though I had not confessed to anything, I was suffering inside from the guilt and all the regret I was feeling. Aiden was only home for a few days before he had to go back to his station in New York.

Before he left he made sure to tell my belly that daddy loved him or her and for us to “think of him’. That was one lie that I never had to tell because that was one thing that I most definitely always did no matter what!

A couple days later my mother and I sat down and had a conversation about how she felt that maybe Aiden might not be able to fully accept my oldest son completely the way that he should because of the trauma that was caused in high school in regards to me lying to him about my first pregnancy with my oldest son and him enlisting in the army right after high school in order to get as far away from me as possible. She was fully concerned that my son would be treated differently if I married him. For some reason the thought stayed in my mind because I could not for sure argue that theory. I too was worried that maybe that choice would cost my son in the long run if Aiden was unable to fully accept him as his own.

The moment that seed was planted in my head I should have shot it down! But I guess there's no way for anyone to predict the future and be able to foresee ahead of time whether Aiden would make a great father to my son or not. My mother pointed out that from what she had seen Richard was fully accepting of my son and that with him I would never have to worry about anything like that. Now, when it came to putting the two men side by side in comparison as far as my feelings went, there was just simply no comparison! Aiden held the key to my heart and let's just face it that Richard got on my nerves right away! With everything going on in my head and all of the thoughts I was having constantly, wanting to be a good mother above all and make the right choice for my son was at the top of my priorities list. Dealing with the consequences of my own actions was something I had gotten used to, and that's one thing, but making my son suffer the consequences of my actions and choices was something entirely different! As it is being a teen mom has a stigma attached to it. I refused to let the statistics make me what everyone already expected me to be!

That one conversation with my mother was a turning point that I never thought that I would choose. Even when I think about it now it’s crazy to think that anyone that had the choice to be with their first love or high school sweetheart for the rest of their lives and chose not to be, is insane! Not only was Aiden my first love, my high school sweetheart, and my dream guy, he was also my true love! My soulmate!

I guess that is what it means when people say that we as parents sacrifice for our children and make choices for the better of them every single day. Which means that sometimes what we consider to be good for us or what we want, might not be good for or in the best interest of our children. You see it was at that very moment that I decided to make a choice based solely on the happiness and well being of my son and chose to not risk being married to someone that may or may not fully accept my child completely.

Did I love Aiden with all of my heart and soul? Most definitely! Would marrying him have been a dream come true for me? Duh! Would I have gotten to experience a fairy tale ending or a happily ever after? Yes for sure! But that's where I had to stop and evaluate the present situation and ask myself a very important question: “Would answering yes to any or all of those questions ensure my son's happiness and give him the very best possible opportunity for a promising future?” Sadly I could no longer answer, ‘yes’ to any of those questions…For the first time I actually understood exactly what it meant to make an unselfish decision as a parent for the sole sake of my child. Only it didn't feel like the right choice for my heart…

I don't ever want to see you again

Just because I was making a choice for the sake of my son's future doesn't mean that I had fully matured and that I was doing everything the right way! Clearly there was a major lapse in judgment when I chose not to marry my true love, but then did not have the nerve to let him know that! So I made the physical choice to be with Richard, whom I could hardly stand, much less fall in love with, but I had not in any way, shape, or form voiced that to Aiden!

To be perfectly clear, I was not woman enough to follow through entirely with my choice! I don't know why it is that I chose just to not face him at all? He deserved the world! He more than deserved the truth from me and my pathetic ass couldn't even give him that!

I just disappeared! I moved in with Richard to his mom's apartment immediately and just went missing in action on Aiden. In the beginning, sometimes when I would go to my house to pick up stuff he would call and I would answer as if nothing had changed and if everything was completely normal. Eventually I completely disappeared from Aiden's life all together.

It was for that exact reason that Aiden's father who worked with my aunt at the local high school reached out to her to ask where I might be. My aunt was unable to respond because know one knew where I was or who I was with.

One evening while Richard and I were doing laundry at the laundromat, much to my surprise Aiden's brother Phillip walked in because he saw my car parked outside. I was completely caught off guard. Richard just so happened to have gone to the restroom just moments before that.

Phillip walked right up to me and asked where I had been? He said that his mother and father had been worried about me. He said that his father had gone by my house a few times to check in on me but that I was never there. He also said that Aiden had been trying to reach me, but that I was never home. He asked me how the baby was doing and obviously I was still pregnant because I was much bigger now! I said the baby was good. He asked me who I was there doing laundry with and I told him that I was there with my cousin Richard. As you can see, I was still trying to hide things and not fully willing to be honest and come clean. It just so happens that Richard already had the same last name as I do and so I thought it would be believable, at least for the time being.

Right before Phillip was about to leave Richard walked out of the restroom and walked right up to Phillip and shook his hand. But they already knew each other because I guess they went to high school together. As Phillip was walking out his last words to me were, “Please just call my mother and father every once in a while because they worry.”

Supposedly a few weeks later Aiden's father went up to my aunt once again and asked her if I was indeed related to Richard. Being that I am not, she told him the truth. That we are not related and that I was with him, and that the baby I was pregnant with was Richards. My actual cousin overheard the conversation between my aunt and Aiden's father and called me to let me know.

A couple days later Richards' mom's home phone rang and she handed the phone to me. It was Aiden on the other end! He said, “Don't say anything, just listen. When it's over just hang up.” A song began to play.

The song lyrics were:

Early one morning while you were asleep

I received a letter but there was no addressee

So I paid it no mind, in fact, I wanted to send it back

But something that I was feeling said open it

It said, "Dear reader, once close friend of mine

I hope that this letter finds you in time

Cause your love is ending and my life's just beginning

With a woman that I know you hold dear to you

And it made me want to say

I don't ever want to see you again

But I stuck by you till the end

And my conscience is clear

And I can move on from here

But I wish I could say the same for you, baby

I don't ever want to see you again

But tell me why did it have to be my best friend

That you were messing around with

I didn't want to notice it

I was true to my love for you

It took me a minute to wake up and see

What the love of my life was doing to me

I wanted to lay down and die

Cause my pride wouldn't let me cry

Somehow I knew I had to get over it

He said he couldn't understand

Until he felt your touch

Now he can see why I love you so much

And that's so unfair

I never thought I'd have to share

Your love that I thought was given

To only me and that's why

I don't ever want to see you again

But I stuck by you till the end

And my conscience is clear

And I can move on from here

But I wish I could say the same for you, baby

I don't ever want to see you again

But tell me why did it have to be my best friend

That you were messing around with

I didn't want to notice it

I was true to my love for you

And you say you love me?

Love must've been blind

Cause I sure didn't see this one coming

My best friend, huh?

They say keep the ones you love close

And your enemies even closer

But I can't win for losing, girl

Cause the one I thought was a friend to me

Ended up being my true enemy

Listen to me, baby

I gave you everything

My love, and my ring

And you, oh what you laid at me

And I don't want to see you again

I don't ever want to see you again

But I stuck by you till the end

And my conscience is clear

And I can move on from here

But I wish I could say the same for you, baby

I don't ever want to see you again

But tell me why did it have to be my best friend

That you were messing around with.

I didn't want to notice it

I was true to my love for you.

When the song was over he hung up the phone. Deep down I knew that I would never hear from him again. That is exactly what I deserved anyway. After all he was this amazing, loving, loyal man and I had never been good enough for him. I knew that. I wanted to break down and ball my eyes out right at that very moment. My heart was truly shattered. I knew that I was the one to blame entirely, and it was all my doing that things were the way they were. It didn't matter who was to blame at that moment because no matter who was at fault, I was still saying goodbye to the only man I had ever been in love with and truly that is never what i wanted. I had to keep my emotions inside and pretend that I wasn't dying deep down because I was right there in front of Richard and his mother, and the only thing that I could do to hide it was to lock myself in the bathroom and cry my eyes out in private.

Now, I'm not too sure if I believe in Karma or not but about two years later when I say that things really began to slowly start to go down hill with Richard and I, that is exactly what was happening. I guess I should have totally expected it being that he wasn't the one that I wanted to be with from the very beginning.

We were both working decent full-time jobs and had just purchased a home together when all of a sudden he just started to become this person that I didn't know at all! He became disrespectful towards me in front of the children for no reason at all and I was fairly certain that he was cheating on me with women he worked with.

Just as I thought things could not get any worse I found out that I was pregnant once again....Nine months later my first and only daughter was born! By that point we were constantly fighting about anything and everything! Every time that we would get into an argument he would bring up that the reason we didn't get along was because I was never in love with him, and that I was always in love with Aiden from the beginning. I mean, he wasn't wrong. But even though that was all true, I still tried to get along and act like we were a perfectly normal family. I mean, who wants to intentionally be miserable and unhappy every single day? I most definitely didn't!

It wasn't long before our heated loud arguments turned physical and violent! At first I would hide it from my family and friends and do what ever I had to do to cover up the fact that he had become very physically and emotionally abusive to me. And after enduring that for about two years or so without fighting back in any type of way, I had enough!

Now, for the sake of staying on track and keeping the story-line to a minimum, I wont elaborate too much on the details of what took place over the course of the next few years, just trust me when I say that things only got much worse! We ended up losing our home, bouncing around from place to place, and him in and out of jail constantly. To make matters much worse, we added two more children into the mix for a total of five children! I quit my job to start school so that I could obtain a higher paying job after graduation but eventually had to drop out because it was too difficult to balance college full time with everything that was going on during that time.

Some time around the time that my second oldest son turned nine years old I was watching a video about how women are actually pregnant for a total of forty weeks which is the equivalent of ten months instead of the nine months that most people think it is and something just clicked in my mind out of no where and I was like,“Oh no!" You see, nine years prior when Richard and I slept together for the first time we knew for a fact that the date was September 28. My son was born on June 28. That's exactly thirty-six weeks or 'nine months' to the day, from what we thought was the date of conception the whole time! Which was the same mathematical equation that I used to determine the paternity of my son back then!

Now, I cannot be totally certain without a doubt, but it seemed as though mathematically, that it may at least be possible that I was already pregnant for a month before I ever even met Richard! Unless my son was born a month early for some reason? Any of these scenarios could be true realistically, but being that my other four children were all born literally within a day of their due date or on the exact day they were due leads me to believe that my son may have been as well! It was all enough to indefinitely cause me to question the true paternity of my son once again....

I was in utter shock! How could I just not be aware at all of the demographics of a pregnancy? I truly believed for nine years that there was no question as to who my sons father was. So much that I made a life changing decision to walk away from true love partially because of it! From that day forward there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about it and wonder what the truth would eventually turn out to be.

As life just continued to miserably fly by, in the midst of it all I received a call from Sonia and she let me know that I guess Aiden had called her and asked her for my phone number and that she went ahead and gave it to him. She also informed me that Aiden had been married, and had two children, but that he was currently now going through a divorce. I didn't really believe that he would actually call me though.

About fifteen minutes later my phone rang and it was him! I couldn't believe that he was really calling me! I never once thought that I would ever speak to him again. I was so nervous that I was shaking. He asked me how I had been doing all of these years and informed me that he was in fact going through a divorce because his wife had cheated on him and he had caught her! He had a son and a daughter with her during their time together. We talked on the phone for quite a while and although I was going through so much as well for so long, I didn't really speak too much about it with him. Throughout the next few months we continued to talk almost every single day. I was finally able to apologize for everything I had ever done to him and without making excuses as to why i did the things that i did, I was able to shed some light on at least what my mindset was back then when i made the choices that I made. But the one thing I left-out still was that there was now a question of my sons paternity twelve years after being born. As much as I wanted to just blurt it out to him that he might be my sons father, I just couldn't hit him with such a huge game changer since he was already going through so much with his divorce and fighting over custody of his kids and all. I never intended on not telling him, I just thought I would give him a chance to get through all of that stuff first and then I would eventually tell him.

I kept replaying in my head over and over exactly what I would say to him when I finally decided to tell him so that I wouldn’t be so nervous or stumble over my words and sound like an idiot, but it seemed like the more I rehearsed it, the more afraid I became to actually go through with it!

One day out of nowhere he called me and I was getting ready to go to my son's baseball game, but I stayed on the phone with him while I finished getting ready. Right in the middle of our conversation he blurted out, “hey is there any chance that your son could be mine?” I was so caught off guard and so unbelievably unprepared for him to ask me that question that I froze up at first. A few seconds later I simply responded, “put it this way, my son looks exactly like his father.”

He was probably so relieved to hear me say that, he didn't even notice that my answer was so vague that I didn’t even really answer the question literally. At the time I felt it was a good idea. Being that I didn’t technically lie to him, but at the same time I didn’t exactly tell him the full truth either. I immediately regretted my decision to answer that way.

Like honestly, why the heck is it that I can’t just be completely honest with him? I’ll never understand why it is that out of everyone in this entire world, it’s only him that I’ve never been able to be totally honest with. I mean, it’s not like I should have been afraid of losing him or something since I had already lost him a long time before that!

The craziest part of it all is that with all the lies I've told him and all the ways that I've betrayed him, I knew that I absolutely could not afford to be anything less than 'perfect' when it came to him, and yet I still insisted on being deceitful with him!

I know this is going to sound unbelievable considering my track record of dishonesty when it comes to him, but I truly never once intentionally lied to him to hurt him or disrespect him, or knowingly bare-faced lied to him because I thought I could get away with it or anything like that.

For the sake of time let’s fast-forward to many years later….

Aiden remarried and had two more children, two beautiful little girls. I would like to add that I am so so truly happy that Aiden has found someone special that truly loves him and treats him the way he deserves to be treated. It truly brings joy to my heart that he’s so happy and his family is complete. I don’t know not even one other person on this planet that deserves it more than him.

I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, because I find sheer peace and solitude in that thought. Maybe this journey we have been on and all the terrible things we’ve been through were all for a greater purpose. Maybe it has all been necessary in order to become the strong, independent people we have become today?

As for me, it took me seventeen horrific years to finally get out of the situation I was in and yes, there were a lot of years wasted, but I try not to dwell on the time that’s been lost, only to focus on the time ahead of me. I can only hope that I have finished receiving my Karma for all my past wrongdoings and that I can now too continue to move forward with all blessings. My children have been through so much and seen so much because of their dad and my toxic relationship, and I have so many regrets in my life, but then again who doesn’t right?

I know that I have so much to try and make up to my children and so many pieces to pick up from my long list of bad choices and decisions, and I can only hope and pray that my children can see and feel just how much they mean to me. I know that the time that has been wasted cannot be gotten back, and for that I am so very very truly sorry, I can only do my best from here on out to show my children how much I have changed for the better, and just pray that the effects of my past choices don’t hinder them permanently, or anyone in this world for that matter that I may have hurt in any type of way.

It is my life’s goal to right all of my wrong’s and keep moving forward so that my children can be proud of me and hopefully one day forget about all the horrible things they have seen. I want every single one of them to know that they are so incredibly strong and can achieve absolutely anything they want in life! As a mother, I pray they see me as someone strong, that will do whatever it takes to survive. Most importantly I pray that they never have to go through what I have gone through. That they don’t choose to repeat patterns learned from their parents, and that they are able to turn the negative things that they have lived, into positive learning experiences.

Lastly, I would like to say one last time how deeply sorry I am for my actions and the hurtful things, and any kind of pain that I might have caused Aiden and his family. I cannot say it enough. They were all amazing, kind-hearted people that showed me nothing but love and I’m so truly very sorry that I disrespected in the way that I did. I hope that you can forgive me for the things that I have done…..From the very bottom of my heart I sincerely apologize to each and every single one of you…..

Sincerely, Stephanie Gonzalez