The Way I Felt

I used to tell myself that anything I had ever written about my ex, was terribly sad. I'm not joking. I remember we used to sit side by side with him, while he played his video games and I plucked away at ideas on my computer or wrote in my journal. We were both nerds in our own little ways. I was fascinated back then at the idea of running my own blog site at age nineteen. I used to spend so much of my spare time creating ideas for content and writing little articles.

Looking back, a lot of what I had wanted to write about was important for me, but kind of boring at the same time. I used to bounce my ideas off of my ex's head from time to time. I know I used to bore him with what I wanted to write about. Not because it was necessarily a boring topic, but because it is what I thought people wanted to see me write about. I had placed myself in the mind of my audience and decided that I wanted to spend time writing about essential oils and homemade face masks. I had envisioned creating a self-help blog and a book blog all at the same time. I spent a great deal of time journalling back then, as a way of healing through what I was going through. I had ideas on stress and anxiety relief articles, and I created a few book reviews that I had utterly adored. By all appearances, I was just too scared to actually go ahead and actually hit "publish" on my blog. Because I was scared of not being able to follow through.

Looking back now, I wish I would have discovered this platform. Vocal, for myself as a beginner writer, makes a lot more sense for me to use. I had previously found a lot of happiness in designing my WordPress site and creating up articles. I was just too scared to really go through with publishing the full blog. I had a lot of big plans on how I had envisioned my website to look, and I spent a great deal of time researching how I wanted to build it. Now, instead of fixating on that, I have found a lot of value in reading the content that other writers have posted on Vocal. The beautiful thing about that part of my life, I realized at a later age, that I have never truly felt heard before. That is what inspires me to write.

When I put myself back in that headspace, sitting beside my ex, talking about my grand ideas, it inspires me in a different kind of way. The way I had felt back then, was not always pleasant. I lived in a constant state of panic and anxiety and it ruined a lot of good moments, things, and plans for myself. Looking towards the past, however, those were some of the better days of my life, sitting next to my best friend, typing away on my computer, and coming up with new creative ideas. Lots of big grand ideas, but not a whole bunch of follow-through, or at least back then. Now, in a completely different headspace, I miss that comfortable silence that used to exist between us. In a small way, it guided me in some form of gentle chaos to where I needed to be right now. Even if everything I usually happen to ever write about him is sad, the way I felt sitting on that couch back then inspired me to write this small post. I cherish those memories, of us sitting side-by-side in comfortable silence.

Chloe Rose Violet