The unknown story

The morning light flowing through the window of the bag house is silenced without waking me up at all. "Another painful day" I meditate as I stretch my limbs on my upper bed, knowing that the people around me are breathing and shaking. I think of sitting under my warm clothes in my wispy dreams but I force myself to quietly go down my stairs.

My feet touch the cold floor and I shrink, blaming myself for not sleeping socks. I quickly grabbed my clothes and put them on in the quiet morning light. Still wearing my shoes I crossed the room and gently opened it and closed the screen door.

Outside the balcony I breathe the morning air. I was always able to taste the air when I inhaled and when I concentrated I could choose what I smelled. There are suggestions of a lake, pines, smoke from fire stations, and rain. My heart leaps when I think of the rain but when I breathe again I realize that the smell of the rain is not so strong that it can bless us today. I groan and wish to wish any place poured today.

I open the screen door of the regular area and start hunting for a light breakfast. The best thing is a protein drink in the fridge. As I closed the refrigerator door my attention was drawn to the colored magnet. Blues, Vegetables, and Yellow.

It is a picture of marigold under a blue sky. The first thought that goes through my head is that it must be an invisible art painting; because it's not very good. Then I remember a little girl lost in the midst of talking flowers and marigolds playing temporary drums to start a flower concert. Finally I think of the fact that every flower has a meaning and a symbol. I know what it means rose, at least red, almost everyone does except marigold? Does it symbolize something difficult? Would it be an insult to give to a newlywed?

The sound of my watch pulls me out of the cloud where my head was and I quickly protect my boots from my feet and come out in the morning quietly. No one seems to be awake right now, for a while, which makes me feel like the only person left on the mountain. I continue on a small hiking trail in secret that I wander every morning for my own good; physically, mentally and emotionally. I pass berry trees that have long been robbed of their delicacies by squirrels, chipmunks, and deer. I feel the strings of strings made by little hopeful spiders sticking to my face and arms. Crows and other birds whose names I am not sure are jabber and sing to each other as I continue to tend. I climbed over rocks and did my best not to trip over the exposed tree roots.

Eventually I came across a rocky outcrop of rock where I usually stand every morning. The sun is about to set as I rest on a particularly beloved rock. The lake and the forest stretch below with a cool color palette. I feel at peace; in addition to any troubles and also my view is drawn to the wild daisy scattered around the explosion.

Usually they would give me a reason to smile but after thinking about it this morning I was looking for little white flowers. Daisy means new beginnings and this is exactly what this place should have been; a fresh start. Things did not get so bad for a while. The feeling of being invisible and unwanted almost overwhelms me every day. I was silent and hated for who I was. They think that I can't see the difference between them and me. They don’t know that I can feel their contempt and resentment in me; but I do! I can feel the bones deep. I've tried hard but I still get quiet messages saying "you don't belong" "we don't want you here".

I have suffered so much and so much worse because their expertise has broken me but these are the old wounds that they continue to tear every day. Even though I know that nothing they say is true, that I am not wanted, that I am not loved, and that I am not important, I am still in pain. Not only for them but for those who came before them and inflicted many scars on my heart and soul. The pain is excruciating and it is a battle to remember that I am precious and loved.

The cool breeze made the daisies shake their heads as if to say “We understand. Don't worry; Rejoice. "I rest my forehead on my knees and cry. I release all the feelings, some good and bad, that I have accumulated in the past few weeks. I can no longer hold them. for this but for now I am crying in. I allow myself to be human, hurt and let the wind blow the sounds of my loneliness.