The unbroken connection

The above photo of my husband and I was taken about 7 years ago. My oldest son edited it for the holidays and I used it on my Facebook page. One relative took it to mean I was trying to hold on to my spouse who passed away on March 2021. She basically said I needed to move on because he was gone and would not be my husband in the after life. This woman is still with her husband so she means well but does not know what I am feeling.

It seems that people think you can turn off emotions and just "move on" but for some widows it is not that simple. If my husband had walked out on me and remarried it might be easier. After all, if he was with another woman it would seem crazy for me to keep reminiscing about our time together. I don't have the anger of being dumped and forced to move along as a divorcee does so my love for him remains in my heart.

I keep telling people that I am not interested in another man as I always intended for Michael to be my one and only. I try to explain that each day brings me new reasons to mourn but only other widows feel the same. We are not choosing to live in the past but the choice to fondly remember our spouses is being made for us. It's like continually hitting the toe that you injured weeks earlier. Each new bump makes the pain fresh again.

Waves of grief hit when it hits and there is no way to control it because you don't know when it will come or from what direction. I found a shoebox a few months after his death and opened it. It was the last pair of Stacy Adams shoes he purchased. The pain of loss hit me like a freight train and I began to cry. Last month, eight months out I was in church waiting for our oldest son to preach and looked at the bulletin. It referred to his dad as the "late" Michael L Preston Sr. and the tears began to fall. I knew he had passed away but looking at that terminology caused me to mourn him all over again as if he had just died.

On the television comedy Good Times, Florida Evans (Esther Rolle) had a moment after her husband James Evans (John Amos) died where she threw a plate to the ground and said "Damn, damn, damn," and began sobbing. A few episodes later she was at a bar trying to date and eventually remarried. Real-life is not that simple for everyone and when you tell people they try to compare apples to oranges. A burst pipe in a house or a backed-up sewer system is a problem that can easily be dealt with. It does not compare to losing a mate of 30, 40, 50, or 60 years whom you had a deep love for and strong connection to. Being told that everyone has troubles does not stop a man or woman from loving the spouse they lost.

Grief is not a choice and no one can fix it so please don't try to advise a grieving husband or wife. Therapists basically say that you need to move on but widows and widowers are moving on because every day is a new day and takes us one step further away from the date of death. Nothing anyone says, however, will keep those moments of remembrance from happening. I was at my daughter's home on Christmas and doing pretty good until we sat down to eat. Grief hit me hard as I recalled that I no longer had my husband to fix a plate for. I began visualizing putting food on a plate and serving it to him and I was sad the rest of the night.

My grandmother used to tell me that I fussed over Michael like Edith Bunker (Jean Stapleton) did to Archie Bunker (Carol Oconner) on All in the Family and I loved every minute of it. The rest of the evening at my daughter's home I sat in silence but internally I kept thinking that this is not right and so very wrong. I continued feeling as if I should be putting food on a plate for my spouse and I fought back tears.

My brother in law told me that I went the extra mile in caring for his sibling while he was sick and until he passed. He says he is glad there was no animosity between them and that they got to spend time together before he died. I am so happy that he is finding peace and closure but as the wife I am unable to do that. So, like many other widows and widowers, I am living an alternate reality of loving someone who can no longer love me back.

I cherish the memories fondly but I am not interested in trying to date or find another mate as is being suggested. I have seen it done on television and even around me but I just cannot. I know there are people waiting for me to take down my joint images on social media to prove I have turned some imagined corner but on this day they give me comfort. My mind understands he is gone but in my heart, I cannot treat 45 years together as if it were holiday decorations you put up and discard.

My husband was obviously in every fiber of my being and I did not realize how strong our connection was until he was no longer with me. When other relatives passed I cried and missed them and I still do, especially during the holidays but there is something different about losing the love of my life for 4 decades. This has rocked me to the core and my advice for grieving widows and widowers is to practice if you can, not casting your pearls before swine.

Those who know you want you to stop grieving and prove that you have closed that chapter of your life. It makes them uncomfortable because in their eyes you are holding on. This is why no one mentions your spouse or they ignore it when you talk about or post about your late husband or wife. People who still have their spouse or did not have an enduring relationship really do not understand the depths of grief you are experiencing. I now have a better understanding of women who told me they still talk to their deceased husband or feel his presence every day.

My spouse is gone and will not return and I was with him when he drew his last breath. The urn with his ashes, the obituary, the fact that he is not by my side all let me know that I am a widow and no longer an active wife. My heart, however, has not caught up with the rest of me and perhaps it never will. My children don't even mention their dad to me and that's Ok. He was not their lover, ride or die and friend as he was mine.

At some point, every married person will have a spouse to die. Some of the wives who have been indifferent to widows are going to come back to them one day and say "I had no idea how rough this would be." I take no satisfaction in this and do not wish what I am going through on anyone. I just believe the old adage that you cannot truly understand what someone is going through unless you walk in their shoes.

I recall a number of years back that a man died whom I will call John Brown. His telephone had been listed in his name in the directory. After he passed his widow did not list the phone in her own name as Shirley Brown but as Mrs. John Brown. She was making a statement that for as long as she lives she will identify as being the wife of John Brown. I got it at the time but now I am living it and I really can relate. As a widow or widower you might feel pressured by loved ones and friends to forget your dearly departed spouse and find someone new but don't give in to pressure, just do you.

If your heart still belongs to your wife or husband please know it is quite normal and natural. You may be for a time one of those who live in an alternate reality of still feeling like a husband or wife even though you know you really are not anymore. If my joint photos make others uncomfortable that's their problem because as long as they comfort me I will post them. The thing I notice most is that no one acknowledges that I am still hurting or says I am sorry this is so hard on you. That would mean a lot to know there is compassion and empathy.

Instead, they all come across as get over it, move on, leave him in the past. Don't you think if I and other widows and widowers could do so it would have already been done? The alternate reality is not easy but it's all we have to keep us going. The severing of a physical connection does not end what is in the heart. Please keep this in mind.