The Train of Thoughts Through Childhood

Notes/Streams of Consciousness/Analysis/Memories

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1. (Negative/harmful thoughts in parentheses)
2. Defensive thoughts in bold
3. Tentative or weak (as though injured or afraid) thoughts in italics
4. Thoughts had while looking back on the situation

Teenage years, post suicide attempt:

Why am I in so much pain all the time?

Eventual answer: depression.

How could depression explain this? It hurts all the time. I don’t have a reason to be depressed so it must be something else. I have to keep looking. I have to understand.

What if there is something to all those stories about ESP, the Fae Folk, the Otherworld. What if there is something more going on that we can’t see or don’t understand, like alternate realities or ley lines or just something in the atmosphere that is affecting some people badly, like a phenomena that scientists haven’t been able to measure or understand? What if I was supposed to have been born somewhere else and that’s why I’m suffering; I’m not supposed to be here. What if there is more out there than people think?

This is stupid. However there is something to be said about the fact that we haven’t discovered everything about this universe. I can’t say for sure that some of those things aren’t possible because that would be illogical.

What led to this? I know I didn’t wake up one day to feel this. I have been feeling this probably most of my life, right?

Have I? I must have been. This kind of thing isn’t sudden. Yes, I must have been feeling something like this for a long time and didn’t realize…because I was used to it! That makes complete sense. I spent an entire weekend away from my family for the first time EVER! With all of these nice religious people! :) and I felt so happy and free and then when I got home…that’s when I noticed that there was something bad I was feeling. Because of the contrast! This makes so much sense. This is completely rational. I feel good about this conclusion.

So it is all just depression! I just have a bad case of it and it caught me off guard. :) This is good. I will take my pills and get better. I will stick around those nice religious people because they are kind to me and they don’t judge me. I can be completely open about everything and they accept me as I am. They love me and I love them. This is an incredible bond and it is so healing for me.

This is what family should be. This is what I have never felt, except toward my baby sister.

I still want to know about how my mind works. What I’ve learned so far has been so cool! Psychology is so interesting; maybe I’ll be a psychologist one day

(empty thought of the future; don’t think about the future. Only think about today and tomorrow. You will not be able to do anything other than survive your issues. These are issues that you have because you are sick, weak, damaged, and pathetic. You are not strong. If you were strong, dad, the strongest person ever, would be proud of you. He’d want to be around you and help you and love you. But you’re an embarrassment. You were born wrong. He hugs you because that’s how he shows control. He hugs Ma when she doesn’t want to be hugged. His eyes change. You have to hug him. You’d better hug him, or else.)

The only mind I can understand and study is my own, so I’m going to dig deep and learn more about myself and how I work. This is going to be so neat. What a cool subject! I wonder what else scientists will discover about the human mind? WOW! Maybe, if ESP really is possible, I could tap into some hidden thing in my brain and have a special ability! Haha :) I can’t wait to see what I can do. I can’t wait to see how everything works there, in my head. Like lifting weights to become stronger. I’m going to become strong.

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Ma always told me that I had one foot in this world and one foot in another. Always distant, always out of it, always looking as if I was trying to hear something just out of range. Playing with simple toys for hours on end without a sound - organizing, always organizing. Trains, cars, bulldozers. Lincoln Longs. Barbies. Blocks put together with the right shape. Crayons in order from red to blue to black. Everything in its place. Everything sorted. Ma would put on cooking shows, or Bob Ross, and watch me as I sat, enraptured, without moving. Without a sound. It would bother her, so she would start to express it to me.

Ma told me, years later, that she would try to get me to be more active, but I was only active outside. She took me outdoors more than before. To parks and woods. It made her happy.

She told me that it was like I could tell how happy she was, even though I was young, and that I wanted to make her happy all the time. She told me that I changed, like I was another child, but a happy and playful one. I was acting as a child should - she told me when I was an adult and she smiled when she told me. But she seemed confused as well. It’s as though she felt that she should have been more worried at the time, but wasn’t. She then said that she could no longer read books about changelings, because it felt just a little like that.

But she was just glad that I was acting as a child should…except, of course, there were the negative aspects that came up. Whining, accidentally breaking things, hitting, being loud, crying. Dad doesn’t like those things. But he was just stressed all the time, she said to me as an adult, he was so stressed with work and he just wanted to come home to something nice.

Let’s be nice when dad comes home. No, not neutral. Composed, but nice. No, not THAT composed. A little less….nonono, he doesn’t like that. Find a balance. He’s so angry and ma feels bad again, like a rose bush, like thorns, all locked up and twisted. She looks at me and there is nothing in her eyes? Or something I don’t understand. I can’t…She is happy when I am like…when I am how I’m NOT supposed to be with dad, but I can’t be the way I am with HER around DAD. But they are both there at the same time! I don’t understand. He’s so angry and he’s loud and hits things and there’s a heavy metal tool that he takes off of his belt with his badge and he slams them both on the counter and mom tenses up and I can see his teeth like that dog next door that was mad at me too and his breath is bad it always smells a little bad

I have depression. It’s just a chemical imbalance and that’s why I’m like this. :) I was born with a brain that isn’t quite right, but I will take my pills and get better! My friends are religious and kind and they love me and I will never have a bond with anyone else like I do with them. They are my safe harbor and so is God. :) I’m going to be okay. It’s like how some people need glasses because their eyes go bad. Nothing happened to them, but they still need glasses to see! It’s like that. I’m glad I finally understand.