The Struggle Of Emotions

This month’s Lupron shot has hit me hard this week while I have been sick. I have been struggling a lot with my emotions and cannot control them. My insecurities hurl themselves at me the first week of the injection and all I do is cry. It doesn’t help that this week I have been super sick. This is literally a two weeks after having norovirus and chemo was pushed back. Chemo probably will be pushed back again. Joy. And yes, this has been one of the reasons why I cried this week too.

Last night I had a dream that my loving husband left me for his ex who could give him a proper family. This has me run down today to the point I’ve cried like four times already over it. He reassures me every little break down he’d never do that and he truly loves me. I know he does, he’s been there with me for everything. He hasn’t left my side a single bit, unlike others that I had been with in the past. All I ever wanted was to have a tiny crotch goblin of my own, one or two. A boy and a girl. The one time that I was pregnant, I lost the baby, and that was at the beginning of my cancer the first time around. We have nieces and nephews that are like our children… But its not the same. Sometimes their little arms around my neck is a reminder of what I can no longer have or do. It breaks my heart every time. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this, if I will ever be able to accept that I won‘t be able to ever have my own family. When I explained my dream to my sister and her husband, they laughed. Now, keep in mind, they were laughing at the fact my husband would never leave me. However my hormonal hot mess took it the wrong way and have been crying about it. Yes, I did tell my sister eventually about it, and how my pathetic feelings took it the wrong way. We talked through it and I finally calmed down.

The other night, I had a fever that was raging. When you have chemo, and a fever emerges, you’re suppose to contact the on-call doctor. The doctor told me to go to the ER which had a twenty-hour wait, then to be emitted. I sobbed, I have doctor fatigue and hospital fatigue. I’ve been in and out of the hospital every month, and I’m just tired of it all. Tired of all the needles, bags of fluids, hormone shots, being treated like shit from my oncology team, tired of all the medicines I’m on (I’m almost to 20 medications at this point. Disgusting isn’t it?). I looked at my husband and sister and told them that I was ready to give up. Just wanted to quit everything and my life was over. I was done, right then and there. Of course nothing happened because I’m here telling ya’ll about it.

I will say Cancer, no, Endometrial Adenocarcinoma, has my world upside down. I use to never cry especially in front if anyone. I use to be on top of the world and I never looked down. But all I can do is look down now. I can‘t look into a future that I wanted anymore. I have so many things I want to do, but can’t because I’m sick with cancer. I wanted to get my photography business up and running however I cannot meet with clients with a compromised immune system, and god only knows how long it‘ll be like this for. All of my hopes and dreams are crashing and burning around me. Before you say “But Jessie, this is just a speed bump in your road”, you’d be wrong. The type of cancer I have is aggressive. It’s one of the few cancers that can spread through out your entire body. The fact that its come back once already, means I’ll be fighting for the rest of my life. My dreams? Probably will never happen. I’ll have to accept that in the near future. But for now, I need a moment to breathe.