The Six Types of Cheaters

I’ve been around the adultery block a few times. I’ve seen different types of cheaters emerge. We think we are so unique and “no one would understand” but really, it all boils down to some simple categories.

The Opportunist:

A coworker gets flirty. A friend expresses admiration and lust. A neighbor gives a suggestive leer.

“Woah? I can get away with this?” is their thought pattern.

They don’t want to think about ramifications. A few drinks, a work trip, a spouse out of town? Check! They will gladly take the opportunity to fuck someone else.

Afterward, they will either feel extreme guilt or none at all. The opportunists are notorious ghosters and flakes. A cross between a con man and a white-collar criminal. They usually get what they want.

The Soul Mate:

These were the “never supposed to happen” cheaters. Then, finally, they found their soul mate. Their needle in the haystack.

“He/she’s everything I ever wanted” and “I can’t live without them.”

They soon divorce their spouses to be with their lovers. “We are meant to be together,” statements abound.

“I never knew love like this” is also a favorite.

I like to burst their bubbles, but they don’t usually notice because they gaze rapturously into each other's eyes. PUL-LEEZE.

The Cake Eater:

The cheater who is perfectly happy at home but “needs more.” The thrill, the kinky sex, the exhibitionism, the addictive nature of sex out of network.

Their soul has departed.

What’s left is usually an excellent lover, which might make up for their lack of humanity. Might. That's the keyword.

“I can make you so happy, baby” is their tag line.

You will be transported to new highs and new lows with this lover. Remember, they will be eating plenty of cake, yet you are having dry toast without water.

The Neglected:

This one I know well. I’m one of them. The cheater who is lonely and neglected at home. Their spouse doesn’t compliment or touch them. Instead, they want to feel desirable and sexy again.

“I never knew I could feel like this” is exactly what I’ve said.

It’s like your body is a wonderland (like the John Mayer song) that you just discovered.

“I feel alive!” is the calling card.

Sex toys and lingerie follow. Sometimes with added weight loss and makeover benefits. A “new you” emerges from a sexless cocoon.

The Exit Affair:

Home sucks. Their spouse sucks. They need out. Enter the exit affair. The lover provides the impetus to leave.

“He/she doesn’t deserve me.”

“I am worth more than this.”

The agony of their marriage is an endless tirade.

“You showed me the way,” they say gratefully to their lover.

Cheating is usually a byproduct of necessity. For example, finding the resolve to leave their marriage. Sometimes, they end up finding a soul mate or become fiercely single. “I am going to be by myself and enjoy it, Goddammit!”

The real goal was to get out.

The Revenge Seeker:

Avoid at all costs. Abort. Abort. Abort. They are angry at being cheated on. “How could she?” and “What was I thinking?” is not going to lead to transcendental sex. This is about him and him alone. He doesn’t want to show weakness or vulnerability in any way, shape, or form.

Change the pronouns at a whim. It could be a woman as well.

This is usually a one-night stand or short-term affair without depth.

If you like your fucking fierce and furious, this is the type for you.

Cheaters are like all of us. Different motivations. Except we all come to the same place. We look to others to fulfill deep desires. My story isn’t unique. Neither is yours.