The shades of my heart ✨

I was raised a gentle man. The only child of my kind parents. Raised out of love, not hatred, nor pain.…just love.

I’d withhold my private details for the sake of anonymity. But I want my story to be told. There could be relatable minds. Maybe someone that could figure out the answer of this heavy question in my heart.

“What if life takes the love of our lives not to break us, but to show us that we were always meant to love more than one soul in this lifetime? “

I lost my mom just when I needed her the most, when I was just embracing adulthood. I watched my dad become a lonely man and I got to understand the power a woman holds, in a man’s life. He didn’t have to ask me twice to bring in a new wife before I gave my consent. but afterwards, I also came to realize that hell on earth, begins with a terrible woman. I left home for the university, with the intention of starting a new life and never returning home. my dad had become a gone man.

I never gave up on the love my mother planted, I nurtured and watered it. I became a hardworking and lovable young man. I had saved and became a comfortable adult and student too. Every gender wanted to be my friend. But I just wanted peace. I had developed gynophobia (the fear of women) as a result of the influences of my step mother. It still baffled me how she could create a huge distance between a loving father and his child. but life goes on. My little fear of women didn’t change my kindness and respect for them. It only made me extremely careful. I always wished that one day, I’d get a wife like my late mother. I was also aware that life could only present her once. In the meantime, I was excelling academically especially during my final year.

I would usually spent late evenings at the library and most times I’d be the last to leave. One evening, just as I was about to leave the library being done for the day, I spotted a young lady with auburn hair, backwards my direction and sobbing. I approached her and after trying, I ascertained she was an only child and had a sick, single mother who found living hard. I promised to help which I did and overtime, we became best of friends.

I assisted in paying her fees, rents, feeding and she was always comfortable to crash at my residence. Our friendship was a new phase in our lives. She told me how almost nobody liked her. They all thought her to be nerdish and old fashioned especially the girls whom were also envious. But to me, she was just a beautiful work of art. Who reminded me of someone special. Within a short while, I had intentions of making her my wife someday but I didn’t think she felt exactly the same way. As time went on, we became inseparable, more like siblings. One day, she informed me over the phone about traveling to see her mom outside the country that day, saying she would be back in three days time. I bade her farewell despite the hasty condition and began to make plans of proposal in three days time, for when she returns. I called later that day to confirm her safety but it didn’t go through.

Three days passed and there was no trace or sign of her that I became scared. I couldn’t reach her and I didn’t know any of her family members. A month passed, two months…. and I feared the most. I became depressed and knew exactly how my father must have felt when my mom died. I’d never taken alcohol but then I tried to Seek solace in it regardless. I’d cry myself to sleep most nights, I had a dream in one of those nights where I met her during our convocation ceremony. I’d run to her with mixed feelings, trying hard to resist the tears.

“Shade, why did you abandon me? I thought all along we were meant for each other?”

I asked amidst tears and she looked so unwavering putting up a cold but beautiful smile.

“I will only hurt you”

She spoke amidst the whisper.

“I don’t love you as much as you do”

“How could you not say, that you were meant for me? When I would defy the rules of nature for you. I could part the Attican to tour your heart. I cried rivers, just to see you. What happened to us?”

“Excuse us,”

A huge man interrupted, leading her away from my presence. I opened my eyes immediately. I could not describe any greater pain. I asked the school authorities about her but they were also on the lookout for her. I looked towards convocation which also came to pass and yet, no trace of her. Months, we got out of school and so many years passed with no trace of her but I never gave up hope of at least, seeing her once more before I left earth.

I couldn’t get myself to settle or have another family because I could never give up the dream family I had pictured in my heart with her. I had lots of reasons why I could still wait. Maybe she also tried to look for me or reached out to me but just couldn’t. Maybe she was dead and that was the only way I could prove to her, how much I really loved her.

I prayed to the universe to keep her alive for me. I lived in pains and dwindling hopes for the most years since her absence.

One day, after a couple of years, I boarded a vacation flight to leave the country. I thought I needed a change of environment to see if I could derive joy in the other little things of life. I was seated at the reception waiting to board when I spotted a lady that looked exactly like her from a distance, only that her hair was shorter and no longer auburn colored but dark. She was very much thicker and had a baby bump. “Shade Williams, I called out amidst whispers and tears”

She smiled obnoxiously trying to understand what I was saying.

“Have we met before? She asked”

Her voice had not changed a bit and I was very close to crying. she couldn’t remember me anymore which left me puzzled. I stared her deep in the eyes, she could see the tears in my eyes… those tears were words unspoken and questions unanswered…she could see it’s redness but I saw how oblivious she looked. There was a brief and awkward silence until she broke it..

“Yes I’m shade Williams and we may have met before but I’m so sorry that I can’t remember you my friend. Please bear with me. I was involved in an accident years ago which left me with a traumatic brain injury. I suffered and could almost not recall anything. I had to start life recollecting memories. What is your name please?”

“ I was your best friend. I don’t know if I still am but you used to call me your jewel. I could leave my contact Per- adventure you remember me, keep our memories in your heart. But if you still don’t remember me, don’t stress on it. I had and will always love you shade”

“Oops…. I’m sorry I’m married with two kids expecting the third one. My husband wouldn’t really appreciate that. Especially now that you mentioned you were my lover. It hurt me too that I still can’t remember you please bear with me I am so sorry about that. But I wish you the best regardless”

She smiled courteously, more like a polite permission to leave and I nodded, fighting my feelings so bad.

I wished I could at least give her a warm hug regardless of if she was married or not but I couldn’t help but stand still with teary eyes watching as she walked away, taking one pause to turn and steal a last glance at me. Her eyes, once filled with spark of a bond we shared…now scanned my face like she was searching for something- anything familiar….. all she found was a stranger.

She smiled but it wasn’t the one we shared between two hearts that had spoken one language so many years ago, no, this smile was soft, distant and almost polite. I had waited and prayed so many years for life to keep her alive and for our paths to cross again… well at least life granted my two wishes…. Didn’t it?

And time happened so bad, years went on…I was no longer that boy. I’d made friends, been to places, met several beautiful women and married one. Most of which looked me in the eye and made me promise to remember them, which I reluctantly agreed. But the one that never asked to be remembered, the one that reminded me of my late mum, that one I can actually never forget, lives on in my heart.

Yes she’s someone’s wife and mother, I’m also someone’s husband and father. But there’s a place in my heart where she’s my wife and mother to my kids….

The shades of my heart 🖤.