The sad things that I see

There are so many ways one can deal with their emotions, especially depression. For me, it's doom scrolling on TikTok for a good laugh. However, there are a few videos on there today that I cannot stop thinking about, and it's due to my survivor's guilt that I struggle with. I tried to go back and look for the video, however, TikTok totally did the thing, and I cannot find the two videos of it now.

The first was a video of a man and his wife. It opens up to the man in a graveyard and says, "My future home!". At first, I didn't get it at all. He looked okay in the first video segment, but as time went on, you could see how sick he was. Then you find out that they had a baby on the way. I searched the comments to see what was going on. That's when the answer hit my eyes. The poor man was dying from cancer. They were prepping for when he passes away. My heart shattered. I sat and watched the video several times before breaking down and starting to cry.

The other was technically a live stream with a caption. The caption read something along the lines of "Join me to eat lunch! This is how I pay for my cancer treatment". My heart shattered even more. Our people should not be suffering because they cannot afford treatment. They shouldn't have to decide between meds or food. We didn't ask to get cancer, we didn't ask to become sick. We want to live, but at what costs? Families struggle with paying for treatment here and it's ridiculous. The way our system is, it needs to change. And the change needs to be now.

My survivor's guilt stems from when I was first diagnosed with cancer. During that time, there were so many good people that I knew going through cancer as well. They have all passed, except for me. It became survivor's guilt. My heart still hurts from their losses, and now, I can add a man I don't even know, other than the sixty seconds of video that I saw. They have a baby on the way, and that baby will grow up without a father. It's always the good people who get sick and die. My heart aches. It hurts so much. It makes the cancer journey so much harder for me. We caught my cancer pretty early. The thought of the families who were affected by cancer is always in the back of my mind. For the guy who was eating on the stream, what will become of him? Did he get enough viewers to be able to get his treatment? Was he able to afford his medication? Was he able to pay other bills with that stream? I'll never know.

What really had me crying was during the video, they go to Build-A-Bear and got a voice recording so when the baby is born, she knows her father's voice. I lost it in that moment. I honestly didn't really realize that I was crying until my sister asked if I was okay. I couldn't imagine losing my partner and then having a baby on my own. Let alone having a baby at this moment. It was a double hitter for me. I try to avoid all things like that so I don't get sad. However, the video snuck through my defenses of, puppy dogs, stupid pranks and others.

My heart goes out to all the families fighting this horrible sickness. All of you are in my thoughts and prayers.