The Return of An Uncertain Mind

Throughout my life, I developed the belief that I am the only person I can rely on. We don’t accept free hand outs, we don’t let other people hold our burdens, and we do not tell them our problems. It created a nice little neat bubble for me, and made things very simple in my head. But it made relationships hard. Especially when you want to be the one who can assist other people with their issues. You want the magic wand that can fix that.

I have a number of thoughts and Ideas as to why I am like this. Why I keep repeating the cycle over and over again. Even if I know better or think that maybe this time it will be different. And it’s a poetic and romantic thought to think that one day I will grow past this. One day someone will come a long and be the exception to everything I have known. I come to a point where I have to think about it again. I have to analysis it all. And with that thought, I once again return to a fragmented blog I use to write to.

The thoughts of an Uncertain Mind. Except now I am taking ownership of it. Rather than acting as this unknown page.

Money has always been something I have never really understood. Well I have always had enough to keep myself going. I have found myself of late in a dark hole. One that feels so big and unknown. And well I try to fight the words of wisdom of my family members, something always happens to halt my progress. Something always comes up and the reality of it all comes back in. And I’m not saying I am a victim. I will take responsibility for being unwise with master cards and spending. For wanting a financial reality that is not mine.

It seems to be the trick of this world. Success is determined by the sense of financial freedom you have. And well I will never regret my student debt, I have deeply come to regret the choices I made to get myself with as much credit card debt as I did. But gods, I was so mad at how the world had to be and being stopped from doing things. I wanted to help other people, that I loved and thought loved me. I wanted to be able to be everything I wanted. And when the bank keeps offering you more limits and more cards. A frenzy takes over. A sense of, I will be okay. I have the financial freedom now and can pay later…. I guess it is later. And those hidden fees, they came too. But they don’t teach you about this in school… and I couldn’t always rely that my family could help me out. It had to be me.

I watched my parents struggle. And they gave me the world. But I wasn’t one of those kids whose parents paid for university or helped them with their first car. And with the company I keep, you’d think this was a normal part of life. I never realized how much food is, the cost of living can be, and how much a mental illness can be. Even with health benefits, sometimes there is a greater cost to trying and making yourself better. So I let the damage keep building. Because I need food, a car, a home and to pay back on the student debt. And I wanted to live too. I wanted to get myself clothes and books. Go to the movies with my friends and on road trips to see my parents. I wanted to be able to get things for my hobbies, and I didn’t want to be another washed up collage student that couldn’t afford anything.

And for a while things seemed to go in my favor. And I got something low key that could give me some relief. I got some money from writing, and I had my main income. I was going somewhere. And well the mastercards weren’t going fast, it took the stress off of food, bills, and I could start planning how to save for other things. To get to those big enough payments to start really making a dent in those credit cards. But I didn’t realize the cost of it. I didn’t realize that it would put a strain on relationships. And well I knew it was not the solution forever, when it came to the end. I found myself wondering. If I should have gone back?

But that’s the problem with wondering how you could have changed it. You realize that you never could. Because the debt was a safety tool against anyone else who could come into my life and hurt me the same way an ex did before. The debt was proof that I was trying to save my life and my mental health. And well now I find I am at the other extreme and my mental health feels tied to my debt. And I lied to myself so well that my worth was tied to my debt. I stare at the numbers of the credit cards. And I can’t even be proud of the student debt that is gone now. That I put priority into my physical health as well. Or that I moved myself miles in my emotional health.

Because at the end of the day that voice is still there. I am hopeless until the credit card debt is gone. I am unworthy until the debt is gone. I am a fool for having done this for to myself. And the uncertainty becomes my voice again. What was the right answer? What was the right way to play the game of capitalism.