Control, Cults, and Churches

No one ever thinks they are in a cult. Not really. You might hear someone joke about it, or say people probably think we're crazy.But no one ever really thinks they are in a cult. I know I didn't.

I never imagined I would be writing these words. That I would come to terms with the fact that I was in a dangerous and manipulating place. I thought I was safe. I thought all religions were like this. And even know I have a hard time with the word 'cult'. I'm comfortable telling people I was in an extreme religion, that I suffered from Purity culture, and that yeah I was constantly shamed and humiliates into belief. But I was NOT in a cult. Could happen. My church was not that extreme, the camp I went to was not that extreme, and my friends and I.... we were cool christians. We were super woke with the world and have you heard out worship songs?

I was not in a religion that forced me to wear old fashion clothes, conform to old fashion beliefs, and I had technology. I was free. And everyone was totally cool with my family not being christian. I was so strong for being the first one in my family. Paving the way forward to the truth... So totally could not be me. I was a new age, cool Christian who loved people but hated the sin.... Which I am sure is a trigger word for a lot of other people too. It was ideas like these that made a lot of the ideas okay. It was the same kind of thinking that made one part of scripture the literal truth... and another part just a analogy or symbolism. And why some rules applied to the girls and not the guys.

I wish I could say that I survived, got away on my own. But I owe a lot to my parents when they got scared when I asked to go to the bible collage connected the camp I went to for years. If we hadn't fought and I made the decision to go to the university I was planning on going to instead. And one day I may talk about the full ins and outs of that fight and how it played a role. But it is not the point I want to make in this story of my past. The point is, I went my own way and not the 'right' way. And that lead to the eventual full fall out of my belief and realizing. I am not a christian. I'm still pretty spiritual but I would rather be a witch than a christian ever again. Which I'm sure will get me in trouble somewhere down the road. But hey, if a witch novels can have a fictional character that believes in it all, then why can't I. I mean she was right when she said God created all things, but man chose what was wrong. And on the other hand, maybe it's all in my head. Maybe my multiple personalities just vibe better with Pagen gods and goddess. It's been a long transition and journey in terms of discovering myself.

And the cult part... well it was less than ideal. But I came face to face with it when I started hearing other people's stories and had to pause. Because I heard so many of those things before. And then I ran into the Hillsong documentary. Which was great, but it shattered a lot of my past open. Into the gapping hole it was. My church sung Hillsong songs, so did the camp I went to. My church talked about the young paster of Hillsong. My own youth paster was young and with it. I mean, he'd even laugh and assure us that the older paster had some old ideas and could be harsh but that it was all okay. We were Christians in the new times. We were going to be okay. I watched the online services for Hillsong. And well they weren't the primary group of people I was around. It heavily influenced it.

Coming face to face with the reality that there was power and control being confused with faith was hard at first. Because the carefully curated ideas and values are integrated into your life with ease. People will live bomb you and make you think that they care about you, even when they tell you that wearing red lipstick makes you look like a whore. Or that you need to be more mindful of your clothing because you have bigger boobs. That I needed to do better because I didn’t have Christian parents. The list goes on when I think about it.

The pressure to have a purity ring. To be in young women’s groups and to give up dance for youth group. The shame and guilt I felt if I didn’t pick the good Christian thing to do often consumed me. And it feed into the emotional turmoil and manipulation. If I felt ashamed then my soul knew something was wrong.

I feel so conflicted about it. Because well my experience checks a lot of boxes. Some days I wonder if I’m over reacting. If it’s not as bad as I think it is. And should I even keep writing about my experiences. They shaped me and I shaped me. And I think it’s important for people to know that just because it looks good doesn’t mean it is. And not everyone has the same experience. But the more I remember it and the more I heal from it. I find mine was not a great one.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop speaking up about the things that get said and happen in controlling religious groups. Even if j feel uncertain about the level of bad my story was. I may not think I was worth the care and to have a voice. But regardless. I choice to have a voice and speak up. Because I have a feeling there are other people like me, who thought they were okay.