The real-life confessions of a human trafficking survivor.

1. Sometimes, I miss him. And I promise that makes me feel even more disgusted than the person reading this does right now.

2. I don’t remember a good portion of it. I developed dissociative amnesia and blocked out all of it for the better part of 15 years.

3. I don’t get many nightmares, but the flashbacks are grueling.

4. If you see me staring into space, there’s a high possibility I’m having a flashback or completely dissociated.

5. I don’t know how many men there were. I was so young and again, I don’t remember most of it. The number could’ve been higher than I could count.

6. Speaking of counting, I used to count the corners of anything I could find until it was over. It helped.

7. I have permanent physical issues from the abuse and required surgery to correct a prolapse.

8. Sometimes, I still think the only thing I’ll ever be good for is sex.

9. Most of my family doesn’t know. Which is strange, considering I’m writing about it on the internet. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lived at least three different lives. But because I didn’t remember it until I was much older, when I did remember being abused, they asked to not know details.

10. I wasn’t abducted or anything like that. It was someone I knew well, but I went home to my parents every single night.

11. I grew up in a home with two parents. I was well provided for. It really can happen to anyone.

12. One time, I thought he was going to kill me. Some days, I wish he would have.

13. I’m embarrassed by the amount of triggers I have.

14. There are things I was forced to do that I still can’t say out loud. Not even to a therapist.

15. For a long time, I hated the little girl inside of me. I thought she was too weak to say something. Now, I realize that she was actually braver than the adult version of me ever will be. For that, I am humbled. For that, I am grateful.

16. As I previously mentioned, I don’t get many nightmares. But the ones I do get are unbearable. One time when I woke up from one, I didn’t even recognize my (now) ex wife because I was so out of it. She was so terrified, I thought she was going to leave me. (We we’re still just dating at the time.)

17. Sometimes, I don’t think I deserve love.

18. I’ve done many things to torment my own body. I’ve realized recently it was because we cling to what’s familiar.

19. A few years ago, I went through a phase where I showered twice a day most days because I thought I was dirty and disgusting. There were times I scrubbed my skin in the shower until it hurt.

20. Half the time, I feel empowered when I talk about what I survived. The other half, I feel embarrassed.

21. I get migraines that make me throw up that are caused by heart palpitations from my C-PTSD.

22. Most of the time, I don’t feel anything.

23. Statistically speaking, I’m fortunate that I survived given my age and the circumstances. I use the word fortunate very loosely.

24. I feel like I’m damaged goods.

25. I feel guilty because I know my mom blames herself.

26. I’ve come a really long way, but I still really struggle.

27. I know I will have severe C-PTSD for the rest of my life and I’ve accepted that. But sometimes, it still makes me sad.

28. My biggest fear is running into him. But a small part of me desperately wants to ask him why. Why did he do it? Probably naive. I already know the answer.

29. I worry what people will think of me when they find out, but sometimes I wish everyone knew so they’d understand why I’m a chronically anxious mess.

30. I know that from a science-based outlook, I walked out of that abuse relatively unscathed. Although, I feel pretty scathed.

So, there you have it. That is what it’s like. My mind is a war zone and my body is a battlefield. But scar tissue is tough. I’m not one for toxic positivity, so I won’t say “it made me who I am.” Because honestly, that’s a load of crap. Of course it did. Of course it shaped who I am. How could it not? But that’s not necessarily a good thing. It’s not a bad thing either, it just…is. He made me a victim, but I made myself a survivor.