The Quest

The Search Begins

Football, beer and machoism. The staple diet my high school years tried force feed me. It was like some unquestioned script one had to follow. Eat this or you will be ostracized.

I hated all three and did everything in my limited power to avoid swallowing this unquestioned pill which was being peddled onto me. I didn't want to be just another cog in the wheel. Another mindless jock. Embracing this would not only be inauthentic to myself, but I'd be indirectly supporting and strengthening this tradition of succumbing one's authenticity to the masses for future generations.

Surely there must be more to life than this? There was a hunger inside of me. A desire to know more. The quest began.

It started with new age books, followed by reading about Sufism and then the esoteric writings of G.I. Gurdjieff. Gurdjieff was a Russian philosopher / mystic who's basic surmise was that man was essentially asleep. That this thing we call "I", was in fact an illusion. A false identity we have taken on. It seemed to be a common theme among many of the other Eastern religious books I had read. He expanded further to state that within man there were in fact many "I's", all with different and contrasting energies and opinions, and that through doing the 'work' one could transcend this dichotomy.

The whole concept blew my mind, in that if I am not I...then who am I? Who and what is this I? Who is even thinking these things and what lies beyond this?

The Implosion Of Self

Ruminating these ideas over a brief period of time eventually lead me to a cataclysmic implosion of my 'self'. The experience was both intense and terrifying. People around me looked like automated robots and participating in the basic necessities of life (i.e. shopping, eating, hanging out with friends) was filled with intense terror and anxiety. The line between crazy and 'enlightened' was fine and I was dancing along the edge of this dangerous precipice.

After doing the math, I realized there must be someone alive or dead who would know what was happening to me. I searched high and low spending my time in libraries, to seeing medical doctors and also seeking out more spiritual text books. I self diagnosed myself with depersonalization / derealization disorder which was on point with what I was experiencing, however I also unexpectedly discovered a man through a mutual friend who eventually became my mentor.

When The Student Is Ready, The Teacher Appears

He was an accomplished businessman who also spent his youth searching for the meaning and purpose of life and was part of a secret spiritual group who practiced ancient dances and various practices to become "awake". My heart poured out to him, explaining what I had read and what I was experiencing to which he not only had an explanation for, but explained that he also has experienced these things too. I felt both a sense of gratitude and also a sense of relief. I had finally found someone who could understand and guide me.

I would spend countless evenings on his balcony listening to him talk about spiritual matters. "You see, this world we live in is in fact a holographic prism ... an illusion. The human mind has increased it's power over many generations, and the servant (the mind) has now become the master. Its your responsibility to cease the mind and be guided by your inner being and soul... and become awake!". Still hungry, I would devour all the books he mentioned with the intent to know what was going on and become 'awake'.

After a brief period of time, I was gradually introduced to other people who were following the same trajectory. This included his wife, his son and two daughters and a group of other people who seemed to be there for the same cause. Everyone was cordial and there was also a mutual inquisitive energy between myself and the others in every interaction.

The Teachings

Over the course of the year, there were a consistent volley of emails between myself and this man. I would press him for explanations about various spiritual matters to which he would take time to reply in lengthy emails. I would ask about the holy books such as the Bible and Koran... if they were in fact true, what happens to us when we die, if this life is a test then what are we meant to pass/fail on? I clearly remember the excitement and anticipation of waiting for his next email. It was like I had found someone who could not only truly understand me, but who had the answers which I was so desperately seeking.

He explained that there is indeed a life force within all living beings, but that over time this connection has been forgotten and lost through the demands of modern life. That one needs to surrender to this force to reconnect with one's true self or identity. This force is mentioned in the holy books and ancient mystic texts, and he would go on to explain that it is this reconnection to our true selves that is man's true purpose or task in this life.

He taught me mediation practices and Sufiism dances which were used to as a means to quieten the mind and allow one's true nature to grow. At first the whole process felt so awkward and uncomfortable, but being amongst others who were doing the same thing made me feel less awkward. There was also the conundrum as, if you are feeling awkward... then who or what part of you is feeling awkward. Perhaps this is an obstacle I needed to surrender to bring me back on the path?

Through these intimate conversations I had with this man, he would explain to me that my biggest hurdle was my pride. He mentioned that people with 'high souls' tended to express this trait, yet it was this trait that needed to be surrendered in order for one to progress spiritually.

The Work

Over the next few years I remained diligent in doing 'the work'. This entailed frequent dances, meditation exercises, observing myself and being generally mindful of my actions and thoughts. My new mentor would offer me wise counsel, yet at the same time he would not hold back in giving brutal rebuttals about me at any given moment. It put me on guard, yet I was also aware that this could be part of 'the work'. That him shining light on my weaknesses was a part of a bigger picture. A means where I could see my faults so that I could improve, grow and become a better human.

A few times, I threw some hand grenades his way and brought up what he was doing and my observations. For example, I would ask him what he was doing on a day to day basis. What was his work? What projects was he working on and when were they expected to be completed? I knew he didn't like this, but at the time I found it to be a friendly banter between two like minded souls.

The Gradual Ostracizing

Over time, I noticed some strange occurrences. I would visit the household as per normal, yet some people would blatantly not even acknowledge my existence. It seems preposterous in hindsight, but the interaction would look like this.

I would physically arrive at the mediation and say 'hello' to another member. They would refuse to look at me and walk past me. At the time I thought I was not speaking loud enough and would say hello again yet I would be greeted with the same response. I was initially so hurt by this reaction, yet I thought that it must have been something I had done to offend them, and became more diligent in praying and meditating so that I could become more clean and pure. Perhaps then, I would be accepted.

The Scales Eventually Tipped

After a few years of this, and also the increased ostracizing of myself with this group I felt enough was enough. What had I done wrong? Was God or this higher intelligence THAT angry or mad with me that I was not even worthy of being acknowledged? Was this the work or challenge I needed to overcome? The pain of rejection?

I began to remember the life of Jesus and how he spent his life being amongst the sinners. The murderers, prostitutes, thieves and the sick. I remembered these stories and realized that the essence of God's work is humility and not elitism and segregation. After coming to this realization the pieces of the puzzle began to come together.

Aftermath

Over the course of a few years I realized that I was part of a cult. This man who I saw as my mentor was not my savior, but instead a self absorbed narcissist who was only out for himself. His role was to consume me and put me under so much duress and pain that I would eventually surrender myself to him.

His charge against me was that I was 'too proud', yet I realize now that this was a way to get me to break my will towards this man. To become yet another pawn in his malignant chess game.

I realized everyone around his orbit was also just hypnotized by his self absorbed hyperbole and lies. It was a terrifying experience. It lead me to research about cults, how they take hold and also how insidious they are.

Conclusion

Its been a few years now since all of this has happened. This man has now died and the group has disbanded, yet the aftermath of his actions are still present. I have spoken to former members who are still trying to pick up the pieces and move on with their new chapter in life.

As for me.. well.. I have moved on. I look back on the experience and in some regards its like looking at life through a diamond. Depending on which way you look at it, you get a different perspective and view point. Was I just a pawn in this man's malignant world? Why didn't I stand up to him earlier?

It also goes back to the original question of who am I?

I don't like the word survivor as the precursor for this word is victim. I've gone over the events many times and realized that there is indeed a constant in all of this mess. That constant is courage. Bravery.

So who I am I? I am BRAVE. Yes, that is who I am. I am brave. I will continue to move on...one step at a time.