The Power of Control

So its been a while since my last article. For a while, I was feeling safe and happy with how my life was going. I had a good job and a way to pay my bills and care for my children. In January, I lost my job and sought out another one. It took the entire month of January before I was finally hired at a new job, regaining some small semblance of control in my life. With that I was getting back on top, feeling happy and creating a sense of normal back in my life. Tonight, I had a trigger from my past. Now in my experience, you never know when it may show up or how or even how deep it will slice through the old pain. Tonight when I burst into tears over my kids dropping my dinner on the floor, it became a sudden realization of something I have not conquered yet about my past. With my ex-husband we never had enough food in the house, and though I always found a way to make sure my children were fed, quite often there were nights and even entire days when feeding them meant skipping the meal myself. I never even felt safe to eat in my own home, like I would be punished for even trying to eat. If it wasn't him bestowing it upon me like a grand gesture of approval, danger lurked around the corner and consequences all too apparent if I dared to eat without permission. Its been nearly 3 years since I left him and became free, yet even the smallest occurences can trigger the darkest memories and wounds. Tonight I need to write. I need to let it all out, because it is the ONLY thing that I control myself. I cannot control how angry I feel at him or how upset it makes me at times that I do not feel like I will ever have the strength to forgive him for everything he's done to us. I don't feel that he even deserves it. Most days now I am actually finding more happiness and light than having to suffer through those dark days. The reason for that is because I control my life and my days. I control who I let in and what I can do in that day. I make as many choices as I can because that is something I can do. Even being aware that choosing to take the kids to school and go to the office for training or classes, I am the one making those decisions and that is something powerful to hold onto. I may not ever forgive him for his actions, but I will hold onto the hope that someday I will find peace and the small things that come to trigger me will no longer have the desired effect they seek out to do: remind us of a broken and painful past. Those triggers are a direct link to things we want to forget, yet they whisper to us, they bring up painful memories in a flash, and in a moment we feel all of it rushing through our bodies, as if its a fresh wound. But we have the power to take it back. In reality, the fact that it upset me and I started to cry well, has nothing to do with my kids. Its that the past came knocking and sucker punched me. I have so many choices on how to respond to that. I can lay there defeated or I can get up and sucker punch it back. Because I DO have the power to control those memories. I have the power to say to my past "no more." I will not let you in to hurt me anymore. So tonight, even though it took me by surprise and was unexpected, I refuse to give up and I will not let it drag me back into its grips. For anyone who is reading this and may know what I mean, I want to say to you, "those moments will come where you will flashback and it may hurt when it does. Grab that sucker and throw it back into the depths of the past where it belongs. Your future is brighter and will be what you choose it to be. I choose to take back control and make my future one that is full of happiness and love. That is who I am tonight and this is me."