Ambition requires courage

To start off I would like to say that while this week, like every other, has been full of memories and triggers, I learned something incredibly important about myself. I am most proud of myself when I am doing the things I personally love. For anyone reading this I would like to re-cap quickly what my life is like currently so you understand the importance of my discovery. I am a single mom of 5 kids, I work 3 jobs (1 full-time and 2 part-time) and I attend online classes at a university. I started my fall semester nearly 3 weeks ago. At the same time this happened, I came to the realization I was doing too much and my cup was overflowing. I needed to let some stuff out. So I shifted my focus. Prior to this class, my primary focus had been on work and giving 100% to all of my jobs, my kids, my friends and new friendships or relationships. But I realized it is physically impossible to give 100% in every one of these aspects. A human can only give so much and do so much-especially a single mom and student. So I shifted my focus to myself-as selfish as that may sound. I made the decision that I needed to do what I wanted and what I felt would make me the happiest. I prioritized the tasks needed to be completed for work, of which I can give 100% of my dedication, rather than trying to put in 100% to all jobs. I made a list of everything that needed to be done, including my classwork. I studied the syllabus and work hard every night to complete my assignments. I have received my grades on my assignments and I am so proud to say I have gotten A's on all of them. This may seem like a minuscule accomplishment to some. My days currently consist of 17-19 hour days and I am thoroughly exhausted by the end of it. Yet, I feel so invigorated and happy at the end of it. I feel like I have accomplished so much. I can only describe it as feeling empowered and feeling powerful inside. One of the triggers this week has been that my ex-husband used to berate my classes and schoolwork, putting me down and saying I would never finish my degree. Starting this semester fresh, I feel ambitious and courageous. It is no longer the goal of "I will show him what I can do", but instead has been changed to, "I will prove to myself how much I can do." Apparently, I can do a lot. This is the fresh start I needed and have been desiring for the past few years. But I couldn't rely on anyone to give me that fresh start. I had to go out myself and make it happen. I have to work hard to create it and accomplish it. I have found a sense of peace inside that I did not know I could find in my healing journey. I know the journey is far from over and there are times that I am still triggered. There are moments I still cry and want to hide from the world. There are moments when I feel I can't possibly handle one more thing on my plate. But I remind myself of how much IS on my plate, and how hard I am willing to work to accomplish those goals. I am in charge of my destiny. I choose the pathway on my journey and I have the power to choose how I will heal along the way. Tonight I am feeling incredibly powerful and courageous inside. I am feeling excited and proud that my hard work has paid off and has been worth it. I feel like I can get through this and I will heal from my pain. Because pain is only temporary. Tonight, this is who I am and I am proud of who I am. Tonight, this is me.