The Love That I Was Forced to Leave

A fight is not always enough to break down a relationship. At times, the breakup happens gently, without words and even so, you feel it deeply. It’s regarding the love that I had to move on, not because I didn’t love, but because I finally did.

We came together in a time of disorder. I didn’t know if I should be the person I was or the person I hoped to be. That’s when I noticed—he was warmhearted, funny and had dreams of his own. He saw me as a complete person, even on days when I felt I didn’t have anything whole in me. That look seemed like hope to me and I believed love would fix all my unresolved emotions.

Everything about bookkeeping seemed simple at first. We didn’t leave until late at night, chatting about our lives, fears and memories. He made me laugh even when I had stopped smiling. He filled me with hope. And I let go of a part of me in order to give it all to him.

No one ever tells you that if love is not based on truth, it will slowly reduce your own sense of who you are. I was so determined for things to work that I ignored how silent they were becoming. I wasn’t tuning in to what I needed anymore. I started making up stories why I felt more sleepy with him, instead of excited.

He wasn’t mean. He handled situations calmly and didn’t change what he promised. Still, he wanted me to become a person I’m not—small and therefore easy for him to love. The person he wanted me to be didn’t seem too excited, didn’t have big dreams and asked for little. I wanted to love her too. I worked very hard to conform to how he wanted things.

However, as I became smaller, I became less visible.

Leaving China wasn’t something I decided at a particular instant. It was no less than a hundred separate lives. The words that made me feel less than human. The times I would cry near him, not wanting to disturb the peace he needed. When I finally realized I didn’t recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.

I didn’t make a grand exit. It was fully peaceful- no doors slammed or fault-finding accusations. Just a marathon of honest words, deep sadness and knowing the reality for both of us. I had a lot of love for him. I couldn’t hide who I was anymore, as much as it was for him.

Breaking up with someone close to you is a really tough thing to do. Grief comes back in the moments when it’s quiet. The ones you jump over, because they still bring him to mind. How you can still reach out for the phone whenever something joys you. The quiet that comes with not being someone’s person anymore.

In addition, there’s the benefit of space. Space to catch my breath again. Just noticing your heart working and keeping you alive. For you to choose your own experiences, not those someone assigns to you.

I did little things that brought me back to life. Going outside and reading some poetry. Heading out for a walk without telling a soul where my path led. Declining an opportunity without being sorry. Writing down what I wasn’t ready to say to others. I was able to put myself back together, not through someone else’s love, but through my own.

Not having him didn’t make me a failure in love. That’s why I started understanding how important it is to respect yourself first. A type of love that doesn’t require me to fade away just to be held. One that respects my choice, my hopes, my peace.

He showed me that genuine connection is possible for me. That I am capable of feeling and sharing a great deal of caring. But also, I want someone who isn’t afraid to see all of me. Someone who doesn’t require me to change who I am to be loved.

There are times when love teaches us something. Not like the things you read in school, but those that feel in your heart and change your daily actions. Truthfully, our time together wasn’t built to last, yet it did leave a special detail—clarity.

I don’t wish I hadn’t loved him. I won’t change the fact that we had fun, we talked at night and we laughed. However, I realize now that you shouldn’t give part of who you are to find love.

So if you find yourself holding onto something that’s not home anymore: it’s okay to let it go. It doesn’t matter if it hurts right now. Even when you still care about them. Sometimes it takes bravery to walk away, even if you still care, because you’ve now found a new direction.

The love I said goodbye to didn’t tear me apart.

It made it possible for me to return to who I am.

I think that’s the absolute best kind of ending possible.

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