The Lightbulb Moment

Have ever wanted someone you know is way out of your league someone you can see but can't touch. Someone who is on your mind all the time and no matter what you do you can't get this person off your mind. For me, that person is Johnny Edlind, for those who don't know him the photo above is him. This is a singer, photographer, model, and entrepreneur. I have been following him for years as when I started writing one the apps I used to get my work out there was and still is a platform called Chapter Interactive Stories. This platform had just added a feature where now you as the reader can write your own stories they also allow you to add photos so I saw him and a lot more tattooed models that the writer on this app used all the time Stephen James was another one. He lives in London and uses to play futball or as we Americans call it soccer. Both bodies are full of tattoos and both unbelievably attractive. At first, when I started following his page I stayed hidden I didn't want to be one of those girls who contact a public figure just because I like the way he looks. I wanted more than that to be honest what I wanted more than anything at first was a mentor but, even that I kept to myself for years because to me I thought no guy like him would ever take on a girl like me. There was nothing special about me nothing that stood out I had one gift that I knew I could do and that was telling stories but even that I was having trouble with at the time because I had yet found my voice in my writing so everything that I had put out on this app to me was just crap. I can't count how many times I started a story only to delete it when it was not going the way I saw in my head. I have this problem where in my mind I can jump 3 chapters ahead and know what will happen the fun part for me is basically filling in blanks and making the story pop even more to the reader. I love that about writing when you write you are not you at the moment you are the one you are writing about.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."- Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy this one quote changed my life because when I was coming up you can say that I had a lot of wounds and some have yet to heal fully some may never heal fully and at this point of my life I am getting to the place where I am okay with the broken pieces for they make the strong woman and mother that I am now but that is another reason that I never wanted to reach out because I have kids now don't get me wrong I love my 3 kids but what guy you know is going to want to take on 3 kids that are not his. I wouldn't want someone to that to me and I guess that makes me mean but one child is a lot of work to have 3 for some people that can be too much to handle all at once. Now when I started following him I only had my son but I also was still with the father of my kids we would stay together for 7 years before we ended things on the fact that we had simply outgrown each other at least I know that I did. I didn't love myself so therefore I can't give him the love that he needs because I will never believe anything nice he has to say to me.

I guess I went through a brain trauma or something because once I was single I began trying to reach out to Johnny the problem was the fact by then without me even knowing I grew a crush on the man that i could see but never touch I don't what it is and maybe it's my broken heart talking because I just got out of a 7 years relationship add the fact that there is still over between me and my ex and as of right now we are on a if we are meant to be then we will be but in the meantime of I need to truly work on myself I have lost so much weight that I don't know who I am anymore. For so long I have been living for other people I never wanted to rock the boat at home because anytime I did in the end I would look like the bad guy to my family and sometimes my friends or people I thought were my friends but really being fake. I don't know who to trust now because of what I have been through in life and that is one of the reasons why I had to end things with the father of my kids because he was one of the people that I no longer trusted. I was seeing the more and more people come from my own family were shady and backstabbing and at this point with my kids being taken from me because of my mother, father, and stepmother I had nothing to truly hang on to maybe that's why the feeling that I have towards this guy I know I will never come from maybe I needed something good to hang on too because everything I knew and trusted everyone around was revealing who they really were and I was scared that there would be no one left in my life to trust other than my kids.

It started off slowly posting his pictures of him on social media trying to catch his attention then when that didn't work I moved on to commenting his photos because there were some that he took and would reply to the comments he got so I thought if I got in early enough then he would see mine but, sadly that didn't work so I went on to email. I didn't want to come off as trying too hard but at this point I needed something, anything to keep me fighting because I had no fight left.

This is where I truly embarrassed myself now I have gone into hiding and will never show my face in anything I do from now on. I made a shout-out video and yes it was saying what I felt even the little crush I picked a song I thought would gain a following and maybe catch his eye. Then posted it and as soon as i did that I wanted to take it right back down but it was too late because not too long after I ended up with 13 views on this post so now people have seen it and you wanna know the funny part that had been the most vies i had ever gotten in the whole time I got on social media even with my personal pages I had never had so many people watch one video that too I was a slap in the face because had I not tagged him this said post then people would never care about my post at all and I would get the normal 1-4 views.

I am not trying to be shallow but the whole point of me doing anything this even down to the writing part was to gain a following. I have big dreams but when I did this I don't think that I thought it all the way through and now I never want to be seen by anyone again I don't think I can ever truly post something under my real name and real picture for a long time.

Thinking back on this I think that the only reason this crush started was that I was broken and had nothing good to hold to so I projected my hurt feeling into a misguided crush on a guy I knew I could never and would never get.

This is someone who can whoever he wanted just off his looks alone like I said before a guy like him does not fall for a broken beanpole sick-looking girl like me. No girls like me ended up alone because we can never truly give ourselves to anyone real or specials I am working on me every day but I know that I am way too broken to even get this guy to be my friend let alone for him to like me like my mind wants me to believe that the way I feel for him. This is lust and nothing else people who are reading this and you have the same feeling for someone whether in reach or not, lock them down and put them away put space between you and that person because the more you think you can have this person the more the disappoint will crush you, in the end, I have had to learn the hard way what a misguided crush can lead you I just hope no one else has to go through what I did because the pain that I feel now is so much more intense than the relationship that I ended with my ex

I wish that I had a timeline on how long this pain will last but, honestly, I have no clue but, right now I have gotten to the point in life where I am more focused to just be me whoever that is that right now I need to work on me and not worry about the rest I may end up alone forever but, right now I need to be okay with that because no matter who may come and go in my life moving forward from here I can't give that person all of me without first loving me and being in love with me. I have to be okay with being alone and I think that is many women's problem sometimes we are so worried about not being alone for the rest of our lives that we will sometimes settle for what we think we deserve just to have someone in our life say those three magical words I Love You. I can't have that I need to love myself first and even if that means that no one ever knows who I am truly then I am okay the whole reason that I got into this line of work was to help people and that is what I need to get back to so I guess in a way the embarrassment that I went through helped me out in the long run because now I know what I need to do and I know how I will go about and I don't need a man to tell me whether I am doing good or not I will believe in myself no matter who may not whether family or not people that I meet in life I won't need them to validate me and make me feel good I will already feel that way about myself