The last 365 days

Growing up without my mother I always had that feeling that something was missing and for many years I searched for something to fill that void.

I want everyone to pay attention to what I’m about to say- be honest with the children you are raising! Whether you’re a stepparent, grandparent, foster parent or whatever, I can promise you if you feel like you need to “protect” a child from something you’re probably making the wrong decision.

I was “protected” from my mother and her side of the family until I was in my late teens, never was told the reasons until I was old enough to “understand”. You have to let these kids see the ugly in this world for them to really understand why.

My grandmother told me when I was 16 that my mother was always an addict, and the lightbulb went off. The short time that I spent with her made sense. Why at 11 years old I had to get my baby brother up and ready for school, make him breakfast and get him on the bus I thought that’s what I was supposed to do, I wish someone would have told me at 11 years old to kick in her bedroom door and tell her to get the fuck up and be the mother she should have been. If someone would have just been honest about why my mother died when I was 12 I would have understood life a lot sooner.

It wasn’t until I was much older that I was told why my mother died. It wasn’t her having AIDS that broke my heart it was the fact that she knew what this disease lead to and she actively chose to not seek treatment and she died 14 years after she contracted the disease. She made the choice for me and my little brother, she was solely the reason we had to grow up without a mother, because she damn sure didn’t choose to live. I wish I would have know that.

I wish I would have been told the truth about why I was kept from that side of my family. My grandparents knew the type of people they were, but I was “protected” from the truth so I grew up with a lot of confusion and a lot of hate inside. I wish my gramma would have just told me why. Some people can’t help the way they grew up, and growing up in Albany’s worst trailer park with people who never passed 10th grade, never went to college, never had a wedding or a career or a man who didn’t beat them half to death was the reality. Drugs and alcohol and violence and incarceration was the normal and my grandparents did their best to protect me, but I never knew the truth so I always thought I was missing something. I would have saved myself many many years if I would have been told the truth.

Unfortunately I had to find out for myself, and I live with that regret of being 16 years old and leaving my stable home in search of something I would never find here.

For too many years I was stuck in a toxic manipulative family system with too many generational curses. At 31 I realized that my gramma was so fucking right- I’m not like those people. I’m better than them. I can say that even on my lowest day, because I was raised to be better. I know I’ve made many mistakes but I cannot and will not allow my children to be a part of that cycle.

The true colors finally came out when I stood up for myself and said no more- no more control. I spent years literally trapped- without going into too much detail I can remember a specific time when I was going through a devastating loss in my life- and I ran to my family for comfort- I ended up having a case opened with dfacs, was in court for custody of my daughter, and I thought the people behind me had my best interest first. It wasn’t until later that I learned it was my family who called dfacs (not the first or last time they did so) it was my family feeding my baby daddy all the information used against me in court, it was my family who turned off the electricity to my house because they knew I would be dependent on them. At 30 I had nothing- no home that I worked so hard to keep, no car, no friends no husband no job no career no fucking hope and I had to get the fuck out of there.

Some people give you enough rope to hang yourself, and that’s what I did. Now I am battling the same fight my grandparents were all those years ago, and unlike my mother, I’ll never give up.

Anyone keeping up with the “Free Britney” movement? There’s a lot more Britney’s out there.. under control and told what to do what to spend their money on what partner they can have what friends they can have where they can and cannot go where they can and cannot work what they can and cannot say and the saddest most disgusting part is being told what to do and how to parent your own children. Do one thing against their wishes and you will see the true colors of people.

I wanted to share my struggles because I know that I’m not the only one. Only the lowest of people use someone’s children as pawns. I’ve literally been told to leave my boyfriend alone, move in with a family member, cut off contact with everyone except my family, go to a counselor and take medication, if I did these things they would “help me” get into a new home, help me with a vehicle and they would not keep fighting me for my children. The irony is, my baby daddy knows exactly the type of people they are, he said fuck y’all and guess what? They don’t see my daughter anymore, which is exactly what they get. I had an aunt tell him DONT SEND MY DAUGHTER BACK- he didn’t, not to me or to them. Bet that was a slap in the face. You know who’s hurting the most? My baby. But she knows the truth. She knows, without even telling her, why this is happening. Thank god she’s been told the truth about people her whole life- or my 11 year old would be like me at 11 wondering why she wasn’t allowed to be around them. She knows the truth because she’s seen it before and she knows that I will do everything I can to protect her- the last year has been a fucking nightmare but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s so fucking clear who will not be a part of our future. My baby doesn’t understand so much, she doesn’t understand why. Well, actually she does a little bit, my 6 year old told me she gets sad when she’s told she can’t call me. And the facts are - a check from the state and my trust money from my father every week pays the bills and creates security for where she is - I’ll be damned if I sit back and watch my child be used for selfish reasons and over my dead body and everyone else’s in my way- this shit is over as of today. There is nothing more debilitating than a mother walking this earth without her children. I’m a good mom and I always have been, not a soul can say different.

I lost hope and lost myself and the only thing that has kept me going is the fact that I’m a mother- and I refuse to let my girls grow up without their mother.

It’s been hard because I’ve never really been on my own and I’ve never lived without my children. But I’ve literally been building my life up from the bottom and it’s been a rude awakening but the moment I was told to “come home” and everything will go back to “normal “ was the moment I realized this shit is not fucking normal! It’s a fucking repeating cycle I’m not the first family member who has had their children used as leverage, the same person who once called the police and dfacs had the same shit done to her years ago, her kids were taken from her until she left her husband moved into a trailer bought for her kissed everybody’s ass and now she’s doing the same thing.After many failed attempts calling and reporting drug use only for me to pass every urine and hair follicle I was given they resorted to telling lies. After kidnapping my daughter and lying to the police after 3 days I said enough and did what they expected of me- flipped the fuck out kicking doors in looking for my baby- which led me to jail- and it took my boyfriend some days to save the money to bond me out when my “family” refused, they even had my dad convinced not to help me get out. I gave in and agreed to go to a rehab to just get this shit over with- another irony- dfacs won’t place you in a drug rehabilitation program for marijuana which is the only drug I’ve ever tested positive for. So after a few more days I was out and told temporary guardianship was given to my aunt because after 5 days it’s considered abandonment, my aunt has worked in the law field for over 20 years, during my bond hearing she was present in the judges office, the judge even had the nerve to tell my “my aunt loves me and only wants the best for me”

It’s called a fucking set up and manipulation. The first time after a long time when I was allowed to see my daughter it was either their terms or go through dfacs. I went on their terms, and after 30 minutes of being at my aunts I said HELL NO because it wasn’t about my daughter it was about me doing what they wanted- and I fucking refuse. I will not leave my fiancé to satisfy anyone, that man has kept me alive and taken care of me when I couldn’t do it for myself. But they allow my ex, who beat me infront of my kids multiple times and the last time my daughter had to go get my aunt because she thought I was dead- I wasn’t moving on the floor- but they allow this man to be a part of my girls lives to this day. I will not walk away from the family I’ve been welcomed into with open arms- the only mother I’ve ever known, she’s not perfect but she’s the definition of a MOTHER a CAREGIVER a COMFORTER and thats something I’ve never had and I won’t give it up- a grandmother who gives her love and offers help when we need it- she doesn’t turn off the electricity when she gets mad and then call dfacs to report I have no electricity- she gives without expecting anything in return. I have felt more like a part of a loving family now more than I ever have. I won’t give that up and I won’t stop until my girls are home, home with me and around people who really care for them.

This is all the m the truth. And if I would have been told the truth at 16 I would have never been looking for something that never existed.

If you have a child and the other parent isn’t involved because of drugs or alcohol, tell them why.

If you don’t let your child spend any time with certain people because of where they live, tell them why.

If you are caring for a child and they ask to call their mother, GIVE THEM THE PHONE!

If you find out your child has been sneaking and talking to their other parent, reevaluate why you’re stopping that anyway. I used to sneak and call my mom all the time, she never answered so I stopped calling. Nevaeh called me at 4am the other night and we talked for hours. She will grow up resentful because she knows both sides, all 3 sides to this story. I have never kept the truth from her, and she knows whatever I tell her isn’t a lie, she trusts me and I have saved her from going through a lifetime of trauma because she doesn’t wonder why, she knows.

I would never wish harm on anyone but when it comes to anyone who stands in the way of my daughters having a loving mother who devoted her whole life to them- every last one of these nasty people could go meet God today and not one part of me would feel sad about it.