The Ghosted Lover

A love story, one that never made it to Valentine's Day.

You may not know me, but you do not have to. I can't tell you all about me, my name, and who I am but I'll tell you one thing, my story.

I’ve never been one for love. I’ve always thought those who fell in love were stupid in a way, and I still think so today but it just happens that when I see people in love, as much as I would love to roll my eyes at them, I still wish them luck. It wasn’t their fault mine didn’t work out. So, when I finally had someone who said or claimed he loved me, I didn’t think much of it. I rejected all his advances and never said yes. It was weird, and I felt weird, I usually hated persistent humans, and people but somehow, he managed to get me to say yes after hundreds of years had passed.

My romance story wasn’t all that rosy, the very first relationship I had was of me testing the waters, seeing how long I could hold on. Somehow, I managed to stay in the relationship for four years, I didn’t drown, and my head stayed above the water for those years with us doing nothing, just talking, shy ‘I love you’s from me, the usual ‘have you eaten?’ and ‘what are you doing?’ from him. If this was how relationships were meant to run or be, I had no idea, I just went with the flow, until I ended it myself.

Then I entered a second.

I remember when I met Gideon for the first time, he came by to visit my friend.

One thing about being in school as an introvert is that you will have people invade your space with their friends and presence but I never voiced my complaint once. When he came, all he did was talk with my friend after we exchanged ‘hi’ and ‘hello’. I plugged my earpiece and blocked out their loud laughs and plays. I would rather not have a weird conversation with them until my friend Yemisi decided she needed my help in burying a body, I was all for it but unfortunately, the body was still alive and breathing. Like I said, unnecessary conversations.

Gideon left my place late and I had to third-wheel as an escort, and yes, it took everything in me. I still didn't complain, weeks passed and I received a call from an unknown number.

Rehearsal as usual was at night, I got home the following morning and planned to sleep like a log of wood. I was half deep in sleep when a call came in, 'I don't know this number' was my first thought, but I picked up and answered sleepily. 'Hi', the voice said. If my eyelids were not about to shut down, I would have responded with a 'hello' but all I said was 'who is this?'. He replied and was trying to explain himself, the sleep-deprived me was having none of it. I cut him short and told him to call me later, and hung up on him.

Yes, I was that brutal. I hated calls, from friends, family, and foes alike.

He did call back, and yes, it wasn’t just once or twice, and every time he called, all we did was talk and he seemed to understand me. I was the weird one but he was too, in his own way. We chatted and became quite close. We spoke a lot, for months.

Tall guys are the reason why I was made short, and Gideon was a tall guy. He could tower over me and I would love it. Yes, I was, and am obsessed with them.

I am unsure of how many months passed till he asked me out. We were in school and on different campuses but somehow, we believed we could make it work. One thing about long-distance relationships was the need for constant communication, and we were not doing much of that, neither of us was bothered. Not one bit.

On this note, I believe I have been cursed with long-distance relationships, no complaints from my end, just love. I love it.

We exchanged our vows, sounds dramatic, I know. I was the dramatic one, my shy self could never say 'I love you too' without covering her face, but I said it anyway and felt some sort of relief, I think.

Loving a guy far from me was something I was already used to, so it was no surprise that we spoke for long before we did the ‘I love you’.

I started getting to know Gideon better and things were good, he was more like me, a weird one. With him, I honed my sarcastic replies, and silent treatments and even became more dramatic in my actions. He probably couldn't handle it, that's my thought though.

Gideon was, is tall and he knew how to get me mad and also apologize. Love is something I still cannot get an understanding. Am I really in love? I'd ask myself sometimes.

He was annoying but I took it all.

Things went downhill when he would subtly insult me, he'd tell me 'I love girls with big breasts, I wonder what we should call the pimples on your chest'. I took it.

On some other days, he would tell me I was ugly, he even once told me he had other choices, but he chose me. I felt more like a 'thing' and as we know things, they get used and dumped. I started wondering what I was to him. I started battling insecurities and despite the fact that I spoke out in the course of the relationship, I was greatly affected.

I told Gideon once that he was hurting me, I told him he shouldn't say those things but all he said was that I had low self-esteem. He told me only those with low self-esteem would be bothered about measly things such as these. I started to think to myself, 'do I really matter to him?', 'did he love me as he claimed?'.

I wasn't one who loved to look at herself in the mirror, I hated what the mirror showed me. Going to school, and having no friends helped me move past it a bit. No one cared about how I looked and I was trying to look past it too. Gideon, however, dug into my chest of insecurities and exposed them all.

I started to lecture myself every morning, and amidst battling with the loss of a parent, I was battling myself and fighting oh so silently.

There is one thing I find annoying about guys knowing what they want and going for the opposite. Gideon loved girls who were fully endowed in the chest area. It wasn't surprising to me as he mentioned it in every conversation. So, I asked him one day, why he didn't go for one with what he loves, his reply made me wary 'It's because I love you na'.

Love is a fleeting feeling, one that goes as it comes. In fact, lies and love may somewhat go hand in hand and too many deceptions can come in form of love. I saw and listened to all he said and knew immediately it would never last. I said nothing, I just swallowed it all. I think I was tired of speaking out.

I had a lot of things to say to Gideon but despite my being outspoken in the relationship, I couldn't say anything to him about how he was hurting me. I never thought I'd say this but anytime I called his attention to it, all he did was gaslight me. He would say, 'only those with really low self-esteem say things like this'. I did have low self-esteem, I was battling with it and he added it to it. He made me more self-critical. I would question my body, I would imagine myself as someone else, I would say to myself 'I am undeserving of good things', I don't have what a man wants or desires. So I retracted into my cage but was still there.

I never knew I didn't have to wear invisibility cloak to be invisible. I was clad in gold, shiny but he didn't see me. I was ghosted.

We had a quarrel, no, I think it was a bicker. Then I got blocked after. I called, at first he didn't pick, up until he got tired and blocked me everywhere possible.

I laughed at the situation and wondered why it was so. We didn't talk until it was my birthday. 'hello,' he said when I picked up the call after the third ring, 'happy birthday'. 'thanks man,' I replied, 'can we talk later, I'm at work.' I didn't give him the chance to respond, I hung up on him. I was a ghost to him, so I will stay dead.

Dead to him, dead to anyone who thinks they can walk over me as they please, dead and invisible. A Ghost.