The Fog

My third treatment is around the corner and my mind is literally deteriorating. Chemo brain or Chemo fog is very much like pregnancy brain, but I feel like its a lot worse. However, I wouldn’t know because I’ve never had a pregnancy to last to the point of getting pregnancy brain. You get sensitive to smells, get dizzy easy, black out, however I feel like the worst thing is I’m struggling with communication it seems.

I’ve noticed when I’ve been speaking, I’ve been stuttering. Mostly because I’m freezing cold. Chemical colds are the worst. However, even my way of thinking has slowed and it takes me a moment to respond. I’ve been having a hard time sending a simple message without messing up. In the short amount of time writing this article, I’ve been struggling with spelling and the right words to form out of my mouth, I’ve been doubting everything and I hate living like this.

In example, I was texting my husband about a perspective family outing during the summer, and my husband wants us to put some money aside from our tax return. I was telling him that I had totally forgot about tax season. But instead of taxes, I typed texes. I tried again and on the third time I was able to get it right. This makes me so frustrated. By the by, it took me like twenty times (no exaggeration) to type the word frustrated. While I struggle with such a simple and choreless task, it makes me remember that I really am sick and that my brain has disfunctioned this badly. While I type this, it makes me want to cry and break down. In our family chat ”Agents of Chaos” I’ve been going back and reading and holy cow. So many errors, so many typos, and not a single person said anything about it because they knew what I was meaning.

Chemo brain has made me feel stupid and I cannot get over that. I’m hoping to return to school this fall, but now I’m scared. My chemo treatment should be ending at the end of May if I am correct. But I’m probably not correct and will be consulting my oncologist (Haha. Proof of setting a reminder for my husband cuz I won’t remember once this article submits. He reads my articles lol).

The forgetting. The memory loss is literally hurting me the worst. My long term is good, however my short term not so much. I’ve had to ask my poor husband be the one to make appointments and ask questions because I literally cannot remember what I ate for dinner (jokes on myself, tonight it was pancakes, not that I’ll remember that tomorrow) tonight. I had to ask him to set up a reminder to call Orthopedic for my foot and the fiancial department at my school and asking them several questions with my husband present for all conversations between school, any doctors appointments or even outings. Because my memory is shot. I can plan for things but won’t remember it unless I write it down, and then I cannot surprise anyone because the only thing I have to write my ideas down are my iPhone. I hate the notes section on both my tablet and my phone. So where do I write down ideas? In the messaging to my husband. So I can’t even surprise anyone because I need that in-my-face action and that way if I forget, he can tell me to scroll up on the chat.

Chemo brain is exhausting. One instance I can remember the exhaustion hit as well as chemo brain while I was at work taking a patient’s food order:

Paitent: “Hey can I get pudding?”

Me: “Do you want red or orange?”

Paitent: “Red or Orange? Girl, I’m getting pudding!”

Me: “Ma’am I am so sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”

The chemo brain does make it interesting at work because this happens pretty much on the regular. Since we have split up my shifts (a three way shift AM, Mid afternoon, and evening rushes) I can rest inbetween, which helps the fog to go away. It’s nice to reset. It seriously helps.

What would I rate chemo brain? Another -10/10. Do not recommend if possible.