The Fear of Losing Someone After You Lost Someone

I have a confession, my biggest fear is the loss of a loved one since I have already experienced losing a loved one. I went a long time not knowing how that felt, if we had a loss in the family, I never endured the pain of it because I was either too young or I didn't know anyone close to me that had passed away. This article ties into the one I wrote about losing my grandma and uncle, "The Inevitable Countdown". I experienced the utter pain of true heartache and despair when I lost my grandma, not that I didn't love my uncle, but I was closer to my grandma than I was my uncle. But after those unexpected losses, I have feared the thought of not knowing who would be next or when. I have much regret that I didn't spend enough time, in my opinion, with her in the last few years, I would see her at family functions, but that was it. She passed away in the middle of the COVID pandemic and was unable to visit her in the hospital; the last time I had seen her, was when she was rushed to a clinic in Southgate CA because she was experiencing stomach pain. The doctors didn't seem knowledgeable or maybe I was in denial, but they had later detected that she had stomach cancer and didn't have much time. Now thinking about it, I do believe I was in denial of the whole thing, not wanting to imagine losing the person I love the most, but it was also something I couldn't control, and that is scary. I do miss her a lot, think about her all the time, and wish I could've done something to help her.

I went outside to do laundry this morning when I didn't see my dog in his doghouse. I leaned over the fence and he was lying in a small ditch in the dirt, which is not typically like him. I called him to come over, and he wouldn't respond, he wouldn't even move. I felt as if my heart stopped for a minute, I ran over to where he was, I called over again a few times, and didn't move, not until I tugged on his leash, did he move. The fear that went through my body was of horror and fright, that fear of losing someone. I was so overwhelmed, that I felt the tears coming out, I was also very happy that he was fine. I guess this happens when you get used to someone acting or reacting a certain way, when they are not acting themselves, it's or are feeling differently, their demeanor changes. I know that is just my dog, but I love him, and this just went to show how much I care. But, the feeling that coursed through my body was like something traumatic and devasting, that feeling you get when you receive that call that a loved one passed away, and you just weren't expecting it, or even when you are, it just takes over your full body and mind into another realm of uncontrollable hurt.

Fearing the loss of anyone, whether human or animal, family or pet, is quite fearful and I wouldn't wish that feeling on anybody. I wouldn't know if I could handle something of that caliber again. I know I started the morning on a deep note, but I felt I had to vent how I felt, knowing that I am not the only one that has experienced this before. To those who have lost someone, my condolence, my prayers go out to you, and never be afraid to voice how you feel. If you need to let it out, writing might just help to heal. I have found a few outlets that have helped to ease the pain, like gardening, writing, exercising, socializing... those are just a few. Sometimes it helps to get out of your element and explore what helps you to get closure. I hope this has been enlightening and somewhat helpful.