The Email I want to Send, but won't

Hey,

So, my brother called me today and told me you dropped off an envelope with the rest of the money you owed me for your truck. From my brothers account, that was a respectable thing to do. On my account its been 4 years and somehow when he told me that, all I wanted to know was how you are. My brother told me some basic info on you current where about's, nothing that made me feel any better for the reason you disappeared on me. The funny thing is, I carried the crux of you not paying me back for a long time, but really what offended me about it all, was never the money, but the lack of respect you treated me with when we used to love each other. Like I've said its been four years and I've let you go. Yes, there were several lonely nights and failed dates that left an impression on me that they weren't you. I had put you on a pedestal of what connection felt like, what being kissed felt like. I would leave nights with another person feeling almost empty because I never felt cared for like I felt when I was with you.

Maybe thats why you were the one that hurt me the most, but also guided me toward the type of person that is good for me. Four years of looking up your name and not starting the call, four years of never answer questions and accepting silence as an answer. Every time I would visit home, I would think of you as a part of it, that was missing. conjuring up fake plans of meeting at the place we would get french toast and catch up, pretending like I still knew you to be the same person I last spoke to.

In my healed state, a big part of me believes that you ended it the way you did, not out cowardliness, but because you knew I needed break away from the person my hometown makes me, and that included you. Its not like we had that much in common other than shared history at that point anyways, but that doesn't mean the silence didn't sting.

I want you to know it worked, if that was your plan all along. I'm not sure if you actually had something bad happened or if you straight up lied to me to sever the ties, disappear just like you made it so possible to do. Nonetheless, Im happy now. My brother telling me about you dropping by definitely brought up feelings, I thought were sorted. Emotions that still linger, but not in a way that I would ever consider clicking on your name and actually calling you. Ive built myself a life that feels like the one I always described to you I wanted. Living in a studio apartment that is my own in a beautiful city that is now my home. I have friends, community, hobbies, and a career that used to be just one camera and a $200 gig. I have built a life that is so full and that feels like me. I just wanted to be a city girl that wanted to see the world, and I am.

I have met someone, its new, but it's safe, or at least its getting there. He is simple to my chaos, stable to my spontaneity and I never have to question his intentions. He challenges my independence with Texas charm, but without taking any of it away and he give really hugs. We work really well as a team and I like who I am individually with him. He also loves to travel and has a husky who has already take my heart with her. He treats me with kindness and intention, and we are very similar on all of our core values. He is someone who is a very good addition to my life and I can potentially see a future with, and so can he and its not a scary concept for either of us.

Anyways, other than the tender spot that still is your name, its probably for the best. I ended up where I belong surrounded by those who choose to love me, and I do hope you found the same. I appreciate your bravery for showing up and living up to your word, at least in one sense I guess and I hope you find yourself and someone else to love. too. You were always a part of who I was in my home town, but you are no longer who I am here now and I am greatful for that.

Thank you for paying me back where you actions met your words. I hope you are living out the life you once told me about too.

- Rilee