The Dark Spiral of My Mind

I am afraid. I am so alone and so scared. All these thoughts are just swirling around in my head, making me feel like I’m going to break into a million pieces. It didn’t use to be this way - it used to be easy, or at least easier than now.

But now, every day that passes is an agonizing experience because of how much fear has taken over my brain space and there’s not enough room left for anything else; including time with friends who have been trying patiently for months now to reach out and help me get back on track by reminding me what life was like.

I don’t want to be that person any longer. I used to hate those people who saw life only through dark, dreary glasses. And I especially hated those that were self-pitying - the ones who loved to whine about all the bad fortune they had experienced. My outlook on life always used to be sunny and bright. I saw the good in almost every dark situation, even though there were plenty of tragedies and heartaches.

But that was then.

At this moment, I just see darkness, nothing but pure darkness and nothing else.

I am truly afraid of life and I am afraid of death but, most of all, I’m most afraid of myself. Fear of myself is the worst of them all because I don’t know what is happening to me anymore. I have gone in a downward spiral and it just keeps getting worse and worse, and the scary part is, I want to keep going in this endless spiral of fear and despair until I end up in…

… in what?

That’s the worst part. I don’t know how to get out of this spiral of despair I’m in - a deep, dark, lonely spiral created by my mind that I can’t seem to escape.

I want to be the person I used to be.

Because sometimes it feels like I’ve forgotten everything that life was like before it all fell apart.

But they won’t accept it; they won’t stop sending me messages and telling me stories of the hope they see in me. They won’t stop trying to remind me of the powerful person who I used to be and the independence against the odds that I proved I could achieve.

And I don’t know what to do. People continue to talk to me every day about it all, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I feel so stupid saying all of this because I am so afraid of everything.

I am afraid of people talking about me - even if they mean well.

I am afraid of people finding out that I am just this broken-down mess.

I am afraid of telling people I’ve made a mistake or that my life fell apart.

I don’t know how to get out of this! I can’t take being controlled by anxiety anymore.

I am afraid of sleeping too much because it leaves too little time to think.

I am afraid of sleeping too little because then there is nothing to stop that black cloud of hopelessness from surrounding me and pulling me under.

I fear being too happy because it makes it harder to keep all that sadness at bay.

I am scared to look in the mirror because I don’t recognize the person looking back at me.

I fear all this and much, much more.

But what scares me the most is being afraid.

There has to be a way to turn back time, right? Life used to be so simple, and it was good. I was good.

Why won’t it go back to being that way?

I know there has to be a way, and I’m determined to find it.

I think I just need to make peace with myself and find the strength to move on, even though the relief that I’m longing for keeps running away from me.

I don’t want to forget the happiness that I used to have, and I certainly don’t want to lose it forever.

I have to bring it back, to make it feel real again.

I can’t make any of the right decisions - everything looks like a vast tunnel that ends up being devoid of light at the end. That’s what I see in my future, and it’s nothing at all like the life I used to know.

I’m not strong enough to make any of the right choices, but I have to try.

I have to hold on to what is inside me, the future me that’s waiting to come back out; the woman who I know is still down there, somewhere.

That’s the person I want to be again.

The one I was before everything fell apart. A less afraid person.

I have to be strong for her if I want to find her.

If I don’t, she’ll get lost in the darkness forever.

So I will try to pick my way around the huge, swirling pile of muck until I find my way back to the light.

But I want to be sure that I will have something of my life to remember it by.

Life was beautiful, and it will be again.

Just not yet.

Not today.