The Choice...

Imagine, tall, dark hair, fit, broad shoulders, the most gorgeous deep blue eyes you’ve ever seen, an insanely beautiful smile, literally the most gorgeous man. Everything about him is what I envisioned in my partner in life. Except wait for it…ahhh yes, of course he is married...

We started as a friendship, months of talks, car rides, and phone conversations. We know literally everything about each other, he is my best friend. We laugh every single day, which is my favorite part about him. Hands down over his looks, I love that he makes me laugh. Not one day is missed without laughing. We can talk about anything, no holding back. He acknowledges that he can be himself with me and how comfortable and easy our friendship is. I look forward to hearing from him and seeing him every day. He goes out of his way to make sure he talks to me and to find laughter.

And then it happened… the friendship grew strong; we started a relationship, not appropriate I know. He was my best friend. That changed into hugs whenever we could get a chance, even more conversations and car rides. He said he never wanted to lose me out of his life, that we make a good team in life. He told me all the things a woman wants to hear, I am smart, gorgeous, funny, hardworking. He tells me there is something about me that scares him because I “get” him so well. We talk about how we found each other and that god brought us into each other’s lives. We start meeting whenever we get the chance, our sex is out of this world.

Literally our bodies fit each other’s, the chemistry mentally, emotionally, sexually is indescribable. We mirror match each other in every aspect, we push each other to grow, to step out of our comfort zones. From one extreme to the other, making slow sensual love in hotel rooms to rough crazy back of car meetings. Nothing was off the table for us. We made each other happy in every area. He made it a point to make me laugh every day and turn me on every day, those were his two goals. I always tried to push him mentally and sexually, along with making him laugh that was my number one goal.

Although everything was perfect with him, it wasn’t with my partner; I knew I had to make a choice to end our relationship. Not wanting to hurt my partner again I left, he didn’t deserve that. I knew I had to change my life, so I did. I left and went out on my own. He didn’t change his, even though he was unhappy and had been for years. He walks on egg shells and can’t be himself. I adore him, he is perfect to me. Absolutely the most incredible person I’ve ever met in my life. We have a relationship people dream about. I never doubted him as a person, never judged, accepted him for who he is, put him on a pedestal, and then it happened…

Driving home from a cancer fundraiser a few years back I see him, standing out front of Lucky’s where he picked me up occasionally. I see him at the stop light, what is he doing at 9:15 on a Saturday standing out there? Standing there in his ugly brown corduroy jacket, jeans, a ball cap, and grey shoes. I drive through the light and take the next turn towards him, he veers his head the other direction, and he thinks I didn’t see him. I casually drive slow past all the while I’m staring out my side mirror and I see the car stop to pick him up, two things I look at: the drivers face with her short/dark hair and the car she is driving. I won’t mention the make that will give her away. I can’t do that to her. They drive off, I pull over. Why would he be having her pick him up so late on a Saturday evening in the same spot he picks me up…?

My heart sinks to the bottom of my chest, the person I believed in with all my heart and soul, the one who I changed my life for. Hanging out with another woman, not his wife. Our connection, everything he ever told me, what does that mean? His once in a lifetime person as he called me. And when did she come in the picture…was she there before and I didn’t see it, did she come in after we started? Did they have a solid friendship before sexual like we have. Who is this man? Does he even care about me like he says he does? He gives me forehead kisses when he hugs me, a sign of caring. Holds my hand in the car, makes me feel like the most amazing woman in the whole world. Our connection, chemistry, laughter, everything we share shut down in a moment’s notice.

I am sad, incredibly sad, what were they doing so late at night? He never drives anywhere with her. So Monday rolls around, I see it first thing I walk in. He put the jacket on the back of my coworker’s chair. He left that jacket their all the time, now I know why. I ask what he did this weekend, I play it off. “Oh not much, didn’t really do anything.” Oh, I see you didn’t make the foundation Saturday. “Ya I was busy,” he says. I wait a bit, then I go ask her how her weekend was. “It was amazing,” she says. Oh, what did you do? “I just had a girl weekend; my husband was out of town.” Hmmm, I think to myself, of course he was. So now what do I do with this. I can’t officially prove anything other than what I saw. He is my best friend and worth it to me so I continue on. Weeks/months pass by. Conveniently he is ending up at some of the same places she is. I have picked up on several moments when they are leaving at the same time. Then it happens, he makes a comment about a friend’s house and how we had sex in their basement. I ponder that for a moment, because I know now. We never had sex there, he must have brought her.

Just wait for it, it gets better, that was just the beginning. So here we are in life, I have to choose to stick it out with someone that I know has another person on the side or move on with my life. I know what I have to do but not what I want to do. He is the most incredible person I have ever met; I don’t ever want to lose him out of my life. At the office one day, I’m not feeling so good so I sit in the back. He comes back, what are you doing? I kind of feel crummy; he pokes his head around the corner with a huge smile, “are you pregnant?” He asks jokingly but overly excited. No, god no I respond. A month passes; I decide okay, I’m going to break it off this coming week. Sunday rolls around, I am feeling awfully tired. Why am I so exhausted, it pops in my head, I instantly get anxious. No f-ing way, I can’t be, this can’t be happening…

I go get a pregnancy test just to be sure. Waiting for the results, the longest 30 seconds of my life. It is positive. Oh my god, I sink to the floor. I take another test, its positive. Maybe they are broken I think. I’m slightly panicking at this point in my life. The thoughts start racing, he made me feel like he wanted me to get pregnant, was he trying to? Why would he do that if he’s messing around with her. He is married, what in the hell do we do. Do I even tell him, maybe I should get an abortion, and maybe I shouldn’t tell him and just leave. I call my best friend, crying, freaking out. I meet her; she got me a few more tests. I take all of them, all positive. Maybe I should have the hospital test, what if those are all wrong. She looks at me, “you’re pregnant.”

He shows up Monday asks me to come talk to him, I am trying my very best to be normal. My wife is out of town for a few days this week. Want to meet up, sure which day I ask, both he says. Okay, I am excited and nervous, I am excited we get to have awesome sex twice this week, I am nervous because I know I have to tell him. Sex is different this time, because I know. It’s very emotional. Thursday rolls around, we have a client meeting quite a bit of ways out of town. Driving back, I give him the paper, the tears roll down my face. He looks at me, what is this? He opens it and starts to read, it is the pregnancy test from the hospital. He is in shock; I can see it on his face. He grabs my hand, “are you pregnant?” I nod. He squeezes my hand hard, “I don’t know what to say,” he says. Then after a few moments of silence, “we are going to raise a baby together,” he says. I am crying so hard at this point. He says, “I have always envisioned what it would be like to raise a family with you, for our kids to be together.” We are both in shock driving back. I still have to pull myself together and meet with clients when we return. He goes home, the next day I get the call first thing in the morning.

Hello I say. We need to go for a drive he tells me, I’m coming to get you. We drive to one of our spots, we have a lot. He grabs my hand, “I love you and I love her. I have two different relationships. I can’t do this, you have to get an abortion,” he says. What, I say? As I pull my hand away. “You can keep the baby I’m not going to be involved” he says. What, no? We argue and I’m crying, take me back, I say. My heart starts racing, how could he be saying this from what he said yesterday. How did this flip from us raising a baby to me getting an abortion… I’m floored, shocked, I can’t even comprehend what is happening right now.

The next day it starts, the distance, the not caring, he decides to tell his wife, he all of the sudden doesn’t talk to me about the baby, only work. How did “we” get into this and “I” have to be the one to deal on my own? I run into him that weekend, he says the most heartbreaking words that you wouldn’t want to hear being pregnant with his baby. “I will never choose you in life, never” he says angrily. I can’t quit crying, all weekend I am a wreck. My baby appointment is Monday. I know have the single hardest decision of my life to either continue to have this baby on my own or get the abortion. Being pressured to get it for weeks and weeks. I tell myself, I will see how far along I am before I make the decision.

It’s Ultrasound day, I hear the heartbeat… I know instantly, I can’t do it, I can’t get the abortion. The next day I tell him, I am keeping the baby, I am sorry. He got an attorney so I got one, it starts, the fight all the stuff you don’t want to deal with while you’re pregnant. Not to mention doing this alone. Who is he? How can he not take responsibility with me? Months go by, not a word, not a phone call, not an email, not a single text message about the baby…my heart is shattered, and I’m not entirely sure how I’m functioning on a daily basis. I keep myself busy with work to try and keep my mind off of him. It doesn’t work.

I am now pretty far along, two and a half months before I am due, I can’t take the attorneys anymore and the stress, all of it. I tell my attorney no more, I can’t mentally handle this. I’m not moving forward with anything, everyone will just have to be mad at me. No one understands what I’m dealing with in my head and my heart and they won’t get it and I can’t care anymore about everyone’s opinions. I email him to let him know I have ended it with my attorney. Thinking now he will have something to do with our pregnancy and the baby. I was sadly wrong. Not a word, so now I have come to terms that I am going to be finishing out this pregnancy alone and not with the person who helped create this baby. The man I fell in love with is turning out to not be who I thought he was. Never in my wildest dreams would I think he could straight up abandon me, family or not. A single text or email to ask how the baby is would have been sufficient for me. I got nothing.

Then came the time in my pregnancy I thought, this can’t get worse, I was wrong, it can and it did. It was Christmas Eve, I’m alone, feeling very huge and pregnant, I have no one with me, and my kids are with their dad. The surge of emotions kicks in, probably hormones being 9 months in to this, not feeling sexy, resenting myself, my life, this baby, him, our whole relationship, the choices I’ve made in life. Wondering where in the hell he is. Why he hasn’t reached out, why he let me do this by myself, how could he. I’ve never got to this point in life until this day. Standing there in between my dining and kitchen, all the bad thoughts racing in my head. Tears are pouring out, everything you can possibly imagine in a situation like this. I’ve never been in such a low place in my life ever. In my hands, I put the gun to my chin, standing there, crying, literally the lowest point, not caring if my kids walk in to find their mom dead on Christmas day, not leaving any letters, not sending any messages, standing there, numb and done with life. Done with it all. I look at my dogs who are staring at me, I’m now looking up praying to god that my kids will be okay, that someone will help their dad take care of them, that someone will treat my dogs good, I close my eyes, I’m done, I’m really done. I squeeze the trigger...click. I open my eyes, why am I still here… I drop the gun and drop to the floor on my knees crying so hard. I move against the wall, un bury my hands from my face and look over at it… I sit there for an hour just starring and crying.

I know I need to go to bed now, I lay there in shock, and I can’t sleep. The next morning I get up, my eyes are so puffy and I’m still fat and pregnant. I was in a bad place that night and I know that now, I went out from my bedroom, and I pick up the gun, I cock it back to see why it didn’t go off, did it get stuck? I forgot to chamber the bullet… I almost always have one chambered, for some reason I didn’t that day. I am incredibly grateful for that, I thank god every day for that. A moment in my life I can’t take back but that I know I wouldn’t ever do again. I am a very strong independent woman, I can handle most things in life, and I do handle most things in life. That was a low for me. Not something I ever want to deal with again in life.

The remaining weeks go by, nothing not a word. I get to the hospital, thank god for my best friend who I am so grateful for driving me to the hospital among a lot of other things. We get there, it is weird; I am the only one delivering a baby that day. The entire ward was empty, that never happens they say to me. I am sad, I wish he was here, I know this is going to be a girl, I had a vision and he is missing out watching his beautiful baby girl be born. I know I can’t call him, he doesn’t care anyways.

I kick everyone out of the room, it’s time I say. The doctors and nurses don’t understand why I don’t want anyone in the room with me, to support me having this baby. I can’t, I have to be alone. It is so personal and a moment that only I want to experience. So here it goes, the doctors won’t give me an epidural because of a disorder I have, I say to myself this is happening. I just have to do this, no turning back now. It happens, all the doctors and nurses in the room and out comes the baby. I am crying so hard at this point, I am so angry at him for missing this with me. The doctor says, “Do you want to know what you have?”

I look up; “it is a girl,” he says. I see her beautiful face, so round and perfect, she is crying, I am crying. Instantly the stress goes away, I don’t care about anything else going on in the world, not him, not anyone but this beautiful perfect amazing girl. And that is what I am grateful for every day of my life. He has since reached out and will be a great dad someday, he loves her and I being the woman I am have forgiven him. The beautiful baby girl I have is worth everything I went through and always will be. I have absolutely NO Regrets, the choices that I had at any given point that got me here with her; I would do it a million times over again and I am so grateful for the choice.