The Artificial Intellect

“I’m Sarah. I’m a medical student.” these are the first two things the people I meet learn from me.

‘Sarah’ – it’s simple, there’s not much to gain from that and, ‘Medical student’ which means, “oh you’re smart then,” stated with an indecisive look considering if they should admire me or run.

‘Well we’d hope so wouldn’t we.”

Knowing what I do of myself, I’m just as surprised, even shocked, that someone would give me this much responsibility. But they did, so maybe I need to get over it…. I am smart - or at least very good at making a lot of smart people think I am.

“Hi, my name is Sarah and I am a second year Medical Student from Monash University. Your GP today has asked me to…” Name. Brand. Product. This is how I am presented.

They don’t teach you the robotic voice to go with it, this comes naturally, maybe not naturally but eventually.

Maybe not naturally but eventually.

Maybe not naturally but eventually.

See how annoying that is? – believe me, it doesn’t become any less annoying if you’re the one responsible for the line. I am smart. A reliable input and output system. With time, I will become more impersonal, more detached, and less human.

Fighting to maintain a sense of identity and purpose - to remember why I wanted to do this in the first place is harder than I ever imagined.

And motivation? I chuckle at my naivety... ‘I just want to help people’ - those days are gone. I am instead driven by an abundance of stress. I frantically pore over the information and jargon. Somehow, I download everything onto my memory stick in time for the exam.

We’re high achievers and perfectionists with an underlying mild to moderate case of OCD. Among our peers, a distinction equals recognition and a high distinction? That’s practically fame. We all want to be a limited-edition, to be part of an elite series – it’s not good enough to be good, we need to be the best.

I am a Human replica of an Oxfords Medical Dictionary. Filled with apparently connected, yet random, confusing facts disorderly collated onto my mental hard drive… but my software is insufficient, I can’t keep up. Failed downloads and poor connection speed lead to a permanent state of confusion. I am told it will all make sense, it all comes together – but even these academics, intellectual giants, and conquerors of their field - even they have their limits, unanswered questions, their incomplete theories… so what hope is there for me? How will I ever stack up?

But I do. I must. The cogs turn, formulas, terms, and foreign languages are downloaded, filed, and saved ready for recall.

To succeed in this field I must breathe, drink, eat, sleep but above all study.

To succeed in life – I don’t have a simple answer. I am determined not to get lost in the mechanics of this beautiful profession. Medicine pairs knowledge and technology to bring hope to hopeless health reports. Doctors daily to do what was impossible 10 years ago, sometimes what was impossible yesterday. Diseases once feared and millions died from are now history – We are creating history every day and if choose to, I will be a part of this in some way or another.

However, I fear that as my optimism dissipates, the excitement and drive will be gone, completely clouded by the mundane; mechanical routine, rounds, and checks - eventually, my software will malfunction.

Do you think one day you’ll be replaced by robots? That you’ll be put out of a job? No, I am more concerned that in my endeavor to become an artificial intellect – to be perfect I will render myself obsolete. The self-sacrifice will end my career, it will be the thing that kills me one way or another.

We are not machines, we’re more complicated than that. And even if we were, we need regular maintenance and product development – It is impossible to become a limited edition overnight, this prototype phase will be ahead of me for a while yet.

Medical breakthroughs haven't been launched by apps but by people. I am a person; my network connections stretch beyond medicine. I need to open other tabs and search through other browsers. At times, I need to hit the reset button, get some air and pull out my sketchbook.

I will try, but I will never perfect the art of medicine. If I complete my studies, I will hurt people. People will die despite my best efforts, perhaps even because of them.

Regardless of my perfectionism, I cannot hold myself to an artificial standard because I am real.

I’m Sarah. I’m Medical Student.

Scratch that.

I’m a person who studies Medicine.