Tha Man Collector

I was born on July fourteenth. The day of the convincing storyteller, according to the Secret Language of Birthdays, people born on this day are described as manipulative, seductive and charming. It is my seductive charm that has become the near death of me.Besides being predispositioned genetically with bipolar manic depression, I was sexually abused as a child which led to a very dangerous and provocative promiscuous lifestyle. Since the age of twelve I have sought out broken, heartless people to come into relationship with. Most of them extremely personal, intimate and inappropriate, usually ending with a traumatic event. I now suffer from severe complex PTSD and have become suicidal.

Since, I have not seen my children in nine years, I have become obsessed with trying not to exist. I abused myself with alcohol, drugs, violence, and men. I put myself in some of the most terrifying and dangerous situations you could imagine. I finally grew weary and started to get sober three years ago. I was in treatment for a year. I completed a program which gave me time to cleanse my body of chemicals, however the sickness or disability was in my mind.

I was doing rather well on my own for the first time in my life. I had never actually been alone until I went to rehab and got a job, a house, and a car. That time alone became a painful unveiling of the habits and delusions I had created to survive the past twenty four years of my life. The past two relationships I have had ended with me trying to end my life. Each one awakened certain demons in which I feel have now exposed and I am dealing with.

In just a few months I have moved three times. Been engaged, arrested twice, hospitalized and almost died to now basically becoming homeless. I literally have been staring death in the face every day. Begging to go to hell. I just won't seem to die. Last week I had a severe mental breakdown in which I publicly displayed on facebook resulting in a five day hospitalization that I manipulated my way out of so that I could see my eighteen year old son graduate from BASIC training.

My son had forgiven me for neglecting him. He offered me a second chance to be his mother. I felt I had lost that chance when I couldn't make it to graduation. All I want is a chance to share my testimony. For other women like me. For my daughter, and my son. I have written and rewritten my story several times in the past couple months for this challenge at redefining real. Each draft I discovered something else that needed to be changed in me and what is necessary in creating my new self. Now it is 11:45, fifteen minutes to submit this story for the challenge. I don't have enough time to tell you who I discovered I am. I would have had more time if I hadn't gotten arrested for driving without insurance. I spent the night in jail trying to figure out who I am. I am a woman. Human. Starting over today. I want to be a mother, sister, daughter, friend, partner. Open, transparent, honest, loyal, faithful, loving, kind, and gentle. I want to show others the love and kindness that has been given to me to help me lay down all of my bad habits. I am ferociously and fearlessly fighting for my life. I have been knocked down enough. But I'm up again. I refuse to go out alone. I am redefining myself and saving my family this Christmas.