switching from self-sabotage to self-respect

Sometimes we commit mistakes that we think are irreversible to the point that we keep ourselves in the very cycle that we have been trying to break out of. My biggest mistake was that in a time where I knew I needed to be a serious adult I abandoned serious things that needed my attention more than me needing to feel like I could be a reckless child.

I abandoned the time frame where I knew I needed to fix myself and I chose to continue traumatizing myself and grow addicted to bad habits from childhood trauma when I knew I was in a space to fix myself and be the person I needed to be. I was so young, I wanted so desperately to be able to be a carefree child but I knew that I wasn't doing it right, I wanted to be stupid, not carefree.

My sister was going through this difficult time period of her health that I couldn't comprehend and I began to blame myself for not being able to be better because I always felt as if I was the weakling who could do nothing for her, she was always the stronger one in my eyes and I felt as if everyone wasn't nurturing me to be better they just wanted me to be better. I began to punish myself so much that I failed to realize how I had been stopping myself from being able to reach my full potential because I was stuck thinking so badly of how I had acted and been acting that I continued to punish myself, I chose to criticize myself rather than correct myself.

I began to fall into my own negative patterns, habits, and feelings that I started to drift to abandoning myself and my sister at a time when we both needed me to get a grip of myself. There is a time and place for everything and I knew it wasn't time for me to be acting the way I was acting and I wasn't experiencing what I wanted in the right ways. It was definitely an "it could have been better, it could have been different" moment but I just wanted to get away from myself so badly that I chose not to be responsible.

The one person that always was able to get through to me wasn't really able to do that for me in that moment, she needed me to realize that for myself and be able to grow a voice, grow everything that I had always been so fearful of. Everything she usually protected me from...suddenly I realized I had to do that now and I was terrified. I was not in the right mindset and there wasn't really anyone around me that could speak to me the way she did. I spent so long being angry that I didn't have the support that I needed, well not needed, but wanted from my sister from anyone else, that the people that could've helped me I began to entangle in my own bad habits rather than separate and focus my whole heart on my sister and I. I knew I still had it but it was different and I failed to realize that it was time to pull out what I needed from everyone else out from within.

I was stuck trying to be my own person in a bad way. I needed to help her but also needed to recover from my childhood and everything that affected me I didn't even know how to work with my parents in order to do what I needed to do. I wanted so badly to believe that I could mix being a stupid child and being serious and understanding everything that was happening that I chose to loose grip of my reality. I never got to be reckless and for some reason, I wanted to be, but I failed to see how much I really wasn't like that. I was organized not reckless, I just got confused between what being carefree and reckless looked like.

I have made a lot of mistakes and I always say I did half of what she would have done for me, I was not equipped mentally in the ways I needed to be and despite how I started I did get better and I did start getting back to where I knew I needed to be and pulled myself away from those bad patterns. I so desperatly wanted to believe that what was happening, wasn't but reality is reality.

So, when she passed I realized I had been lucky to realize and start growing when I did, because I would have been filled with so much more regret. But I didn't know where to continue from here, I felt as if I had to punish myself. for the past, I wanted to dig my own grave for her rather than continue picking myself up and doing what we were always planning on doing with our lives, I realized I am a continuation of her and I have to do something with my life for her. Her name is Delmy and I always say she is my delmy jesus, because she really has saved me and realized what I could do for her in my lifetime.

I have always looked for an outside force to blame for what I put myself through and I constantly looked for an outside force to also be the same thing that somehow kicked me into gear or physically put me into the position I needed to be in without the work. I have always let regret be a bigger factor in my life in how I decide to execute my plans.

so, in short words, I looked for blame rather than accountability. The thing is we can commit wrongs or be a bad person and be able to realize that we knew no better or we failed to simply listen to what we needed at that moment for ourselves we can make mistakes and also hold ourselves accountable for what we've done. There is power in taking responsibility for our actions.

There is a difference between learning a lesson and punishing it and the difference is you will never learn the lesson the longer you punish yourself instead of teaching yourself. I have always found ways to punish myself, long after I have already received the lesson; which only would put me into this tornado of negativity because I was always more focused on killing myself for my wrongdoings instead of breaking the habits. Cycles are broken when you realize you are put in the position to experience the opposite and take that opportunity.