Suicide Survival

I hear a voice followed by a knock in my sleep, “wake up, vital signs”. I open my eyes & my roommate was already gone. Damn, what an early bird. I go pee, wash my face, brush my teeth & walked out of my room. I was last for the vitals. When she was done, she pointed behind her to the cafeteria & told me to go have breakfast. Almost everyone already had their trays, they were serving waffles, sausages & eggs. They had dry cereal, cartons of milk, coffee, fruit everywhere. I really felt like I was back in school. I saw old & young faces. I grab my waffles, grab some coffee & sit down alone. I felt alone again. A few moments later, my table was full.

“So you’re new here, what’s your name? My name is Sarah”, asked a young white woman with glasses and black hair. “Solibeth” I answered quietly. “Beautiful name”, “Thanks”, but shorty had already jumped into another conversation, it’s like I existed for a moment, & then I didn’t. I was surrounded by strangers who were all crazy, why was I even trying? By the time I finished eating, there weren’t many people left eating. I walked back in to my room, laid down, & went back to sleep. No one bothered me, no one came looking for me. I stayed there alone.

A few hours later, I was called to the nurse for a full inspection. I was to get naked while they documented my body, counted my scars, & checked for any self harm marks. My cutting days weren’t good, it hurt too much so I never cut deep enough to get any scars. I had a pill problem. This wasn’t my first time trying to commit suicide. The first time, I had to be around 11 y/o. That night had to be the scariest moment for me because no one knew. At all.

I was to get my ass beat that day for lying to my momma. You know how that go in Spanish households. Beth had left with Diana to meet her boyfriend while my mom was at work. My mom called and demanded to speak to Beth so, I did a threeway. I was a kid, I didn’t know any better. My mom obviously noticed as threeways back in the day isn’t as easy as it is now, you actually had to merge the call while it was ringing. The ass whooping was PROMISED & I was AFRAID. After the phone call, I nervously went to the bathroom cabinet where my mom would keep her abilify. I took a bunch of the pills mixed with a bunch of ibuprofen. I felt like a failure. Beth was mad at me, my mom was mad at me, I was going to get my ass beat by both of them, so why not just die? I laid down on my moms bed. I wanted to fall asleep and sleep in peace; in the house alone, only to be woken up by Beth. I don’t know what happened or what she said or did, but everything was okay when my mom got home. When she arrived at night, she asked Beth & I to go to Creston to the supermarket, & so we did. When I hit the corner of 183rd & Grand Concourse I immediately began feeling sick. I hunched over & began vomiting. When it was over, Beth asked if I was okay, & I replied “yes”. That night, I couldn’t sleep. The tv was off because my mom didn’t want to hear noise. I laid in my twin size bed, staring out the window; I began hallucinating. My window was to the back of the building so there were no trees. Yet I was seeing branches outside my window, that then turned into hands trying to get me. I begged my mom to let me watch cartoons until she did.

“Does your family have a history of deression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder?” asked the examiner. “Not that I know of”, I lied. Of course my family has a history of that shit. Why did I say no? I wanted to say yes, I fought with myself. “Telling her yes would’ve led to more questions” answered the other voice in my head. The second voice said “hmm, you’re right.”, “makes sense” I replied back. “Of course it makes sense, I’m usually always right” said voice 1. “Okay, you can head back”, said my examiner. I thought being here was going to be less work. I exited the examination room, walked to mine; laid in my bed, & fell asleep.