Sugarcoat

Numb. My leg’s shaking as I look at my phone screen, all sleepy thoughts seized from my brain. One singular thought repeats in my mind, playing over and over again.

Are you going to cry or not? How much did he mean to you?

I don’t think. I practically don’t breathe. I listen to the audio file again, making sure I heard things correctly. To find something to laugh at like I usually do. Sugarcoat. Forget about things. Sugarcoat.

-I’ve come to the conclusion that we should end this relationship before one of us is emotionally or physically hurt in some way or another-

I pause it. Take a deep breath. Sugarcoat. Sugarcoat the damn situation. I get out of the file, leg still shaking. No. No. This can’t be happening. But it’s happening. I’ve been expecting it. I’ve been expecting it for the past three weeks- either I was going to do it or he was. One way or another. So, why is everything spinning? I smile. Smile. Smile. Laugh. Sugarcoat. Like I always do.

I text Hayden. I text Ashley. I text the group chats. They all have the same message, just in slightly different words.

Good morning.

He broke up with me.

I breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Breathing is important. Ash and Andrew are the first to reply.

WHAT?

HE broke up with YOU?

I send them the audio file. No. Not right now. Not now. I swipe back to Nathan, hands flying over the keyboard. Leg’s still shaking. Hands are trembling. I compose a message. No sign of tears. A tidal wave of everything I’ve been trying to say breaks through the dam of fear that’s been holding them back. How I felt like there was no spark. How hard it was to do things long distance. Knowing how much I meant to him. It was better like this. Of course it was. It was better. I would get the raw end of the deal, but I wouldn’t feel guilty for breaking his damn heart. It was his first relationship anyway. I let him have all his firsts.

I’m just not ready for a long distance relationship because I’m not maturely ready. You are one of the sweetest people I know, and you do have some of the funniest stories. I’m not talking to anyone- just letting you know, but I do agree that this isn’t really going to work out for the long run since we have been growing distant.

How many lies already? Sugarcoat. Sugarcoat.

I’m maturely ready. I just didn’t want to try.

Sugarcoat.

I thought his stories were stupid.

Sugarcoat. Sugarcoat.

I’m a liar. Desperate. Needy. I think three guys are cute, mind always wandering.

Sugarcoat. Sugarcoat. Sugarcoat.

I never wanted to hurt you, but over the past few weeks I felt like there just wasn’t any spark left between us. You have so many good people at Wheeler that are better than me and will listen to your beautiful stories- I’m sure of it. You will always have a piece of my heart, and if you want- let’s keep being friends? I understand it might be too emotionally distressing for you, and I completely understand.

Breathe. Truth. Raw truth.

I never wanted to hurt him. Ever. That’s why I kept holding it off. Holding the inevitable off.

He has friends. Friends that threw him a surprise party for his birthday while I only sent a measly “Happy Birthday” text.

Sugarcoat.

I was his first. I lasted the longest with him. Always. I wouldn't forget him.

No need to sugarcoat.