Slowly, then all at once.

“I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”

- John Green

A quote I never fully understood, that is, until I met her.

“Do you believe in love at first sight?” A commonly debated question. The truth is, I didn’t, and no, I’m not going to sit here and say meeting her for the first time changed that. It wasn’t until years after we first met that I felt this undeniable connection.

These feelings started way before I knew they were there. scratching at the surface of my mind begging to be acknowledged. I would start to notice small things about her, I began to see things which reminded me of her, I was finding excuses to talk to her, and I talked about her too much to anyone who would listen. I didn’t know it at the time but I craved her attention. I barely knew anything about her, but for some reason, I needed to know her. I needed her to know me.

One night, we started talking. She decided to open up about something personal, and I didn’t know why but it meant a lot to me. We talked for a while, conversation never fully ending, one topic bleeding into the next. This went on for days, weeks even. What came as a shock to me was that I didn’t want it to stop. Something about the ease in talking to her was exciting. I wanted her to like me, and I wanted her approval. Then she started to send clips of her speaking and this made me more nervous. I did it anyway, and honestly I loved doing it. Hearing the sound of her voice brought me comfort after a while.

She was closed off at first, as any person worth knowing is. She only let me in little by little; keeping her guard up, ensuring I only knew what she wanted me to. This made it that much more fulfilling when she chose to let me in. I, on the other hand, closed my eyes and jumped off the cliff into the free fall. I let her behind the walls I worked so hard to keep in place - showing her more of the parts of me that very few people were privy to seeing. It was happening so fast, too fast really. I was terrified. I still remember the night she told me that I needed her more than she needed me - it felt physically painful to read those words but I pretended that I felt nothing.

It wasn’t often she let me see her softer, more caring side. Nights when she did, though… Those nights always made me feel genuinely happy. I always slept better on those nights. My anxiety lessened, my dark mind lightened and the part of me screaming to be set free was satiated. On one of these nights we talked about the message. She apologized because she said she had lied. She didn’t want to need me but she felt like she did. She’s told me this multiple times since then, and I always say she doesn’t. Half because I feel like it’s the truth and half because hearing her say it reminded me that it wasn’t all in my head.

I was always scared to show her my messy mind; expecting her to run for the hills or to be afraid of the person she was getting to know. She never did though. She stayed and we grew closer. We talked everyday, about anything and everything, sharing our most protected thoughts along with the stupid, randomest ones. This only made me fall harder. The feelings were indescribable. It’s mesmerizing to feel this connection with someone else. I’d explain how I felt to her, through a filtered lens of course. I was too afraid that these feelings would overwhelm her. While she expressed similar feelings, there's no way she could feel the things I felt, no way.

I memorized her like my favourite book I've read too many times. The way she looked, the way she dressed, her laugh. I couldn’t help it. There wasn’t anything I didn’t want to know about her. I began to know her better than I knew myself. Her moods, her emotions, her insecurities, that is, everything but her feelings for me.

Then she got closer to him. This was when I knew I was in too deep. Jealousy is an ugly emotion that warps your mind into dark places. I don't really get jealous, but I knew I was going to have a problem once I subconsciously wanted her to love me more than she did him. Instead, I sat there and listened to all of the details of her falling for him, while I sat there and fell harder for her. Tortuous really, but I couldn’t stop and I didn’t want to. I just wanted her to love me but I also wanted her to be happy so I supported whatever she wanted.

I bottled these feelings up and stored them deep within my mind refusing to let them breathe. I suffocated these feelings so that I could be there for her, as the person she needed me to be. I was always going to be there for her, regardless of the potential consequences. I would be her support, her rock, the one who would do anything for her, and she knew that.

We grew closer despite everything. We learnt everything there was to know about each other, the good, the bad and the ugly. She tried her best to show me the sides she thought were unlovable. The parts of her she felt insecure or guilty for. She wanted to push me away, show me the scary parts of her mind. She was wrong though, her fear that I would no longer love her if I knew those things, was irrational. Knowing she was imperfect only made me fall harder. It was like a rollercoaster I never wanted to get off. Each drop off getting deeper and every high feeling higher.

The scary thing about loving someone this much, is constantly feeling like no one in this world could possibly love you as much as you loved them. I knew she loved me back, but I knew it would probably never be the way I did. There were so many reasons I couldn’t tell her the truth. I couldn’t risk losing her entirely. I couldn’t risk her hating me for being just like the fears from her past that she has held onto. I wanted her in my life, and I was terrified to lose her. So I would be okay with whatever she wanted.