Silence

It was always cold in November, that's just the way the world worked. Mother Nature and all. I could say the cold never bothered me, or explain the comfort I got from the chilling wind, but none of it would be true. It would all be based on an extension of myself that I'd wished I could've been.

The truth is the cold bothered me the most, my skin would crawl and my bones would freeze. It'd stop all the flow in my veins, slowed down my heart rate and paused my strategic brain for simple seconds. Seconds that turned to minutes, minutes that turned to hours and hours that turned to moments, moments that I’ll never get back.

'I should've seen the signs', I thought, as my hand splashed softly against the ridged surface. 'I should've known', My temperature dropped fast and I knew, deep down I was never going to keep up with myself. 'This is what you want' painful memories crossed my mind slowly. The corners of my mouth lifted as I smiled to myself, ‘this is what I want, this is exactly what I want’. My hand lost its grip as it fell beneath the water below me.

My mind switched to the man I’d come to know, I tried to be better for him. Months I spent, trying to be healthier, locked the demons in the darkest parts of my mind, willing them to stay there. It was all a lost cause in the end. That’ll be what I regret the most. The relationship I built with him. I shouldn’t have gotten that close, but I did, I was selfish.

I could hear everything around me. The wind blowing past my face, the trees rustling, but no animals were heard, although I could feel them around me, even the small surges below me, signified something was there. It was like a farewell from the beings I had become used to. They knew this was it, they knew it had become enough. No birds were singing, no dogs were barking, no insects croaking. Silence.

"LILAH-" was the last thing I heard, as my whole body slipped beneath the solid ice, surrounding the hole, made by the cracks I’d put there to be at peace with myself. "no," I thought I heard, a strained whisper coming from above me, too far to make out completely, but too close in the silence to miss the sound. "please God, no." It was all muffled, covered by the ripples in the water. I'm not even sure that's what the voice had said, but is it wrong for me to want that. Nobody cared, they never did, but this voice, at least he pretended. "please."

It was always cold in November, in the places I had lived anyways. I always wanted a cosy home and a warm blanket, I loved to cuddle, I loved the warmth. So when it came time, I settled into the cold. I felt myself become accustomed to it. I began to adore it. The warmth was like a far off dream, one I had imagined in my head many times, but the cold was always there to welcome me with open arms. Like an unused room in your old family house, a comforting reminder of who you used to be.

In the end I guess that's what I wanted. I loved the warm, but I felt safe in the cold, he made it that way, showed me the beauty in the chilling winds. I knew it was selfish dying in that frozen pond, the one I shared with him. But eventually he would see it how I did. He wanted nothing but the best for me, stealing me away from my demons, taming the dragon that guarded me and holding my hand through the fire. He was my rescue, my everything.

He wouldn’t come back here. Not to the place we shared so much, he wouldn’t come back and wish for me, it would be too painful, our place.

“I’m Sorry.”