Self Reflection

This is an introduction to who I am, or at least who I thought I was, who I would be. All of you who are reading will get insight into the person behind the writing.

Full disclosure: I am not a writer I just have thoughts that I like to jot down and a life story to tell. So, if there are imperfections in my writing then just know these are the raw, hard, true facts that are uncut about me (who is that exactly?)

Also, my thought process can be all over the place and you might get a feel for that in just a minute. So, come on in, take a seat, and just vibe with the chaos, the real, the love, the hate, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Make sure you are comfortable, as you come on this indiscernible journey with me.

Today I start writing pieces on topics pertaining to my life, the ones that I always wanted to talk about. What stopped me from discussing them until today would be because no one was ever listening to what I really had to say or what I have been feeling. You know what I mean, it is always those who listen to respond instead of listening to feel or empathize. There are conversations that are supposed to be about you but somehow turn into being about them as they share similar instances or stories of the same stature.

Each day I look in the mirror and do not recognize who is staring back at me. It is like I love what I see one minute then the next none of me is good enough and I want so much to change. Looking into that mirror of all the hard work of obtaining two degrees, working day in and day out to sit here at 25 years old and have nothing to show for it. It hits hard to think that I have failed my younger self who had wanted to be a Pediatrician, but the older me going through college could not handle the pressure, and the thought of another harsh 6+ years of medical school just to get there was unappealing. This was the turning point, I have never thought of myself as someone who would give up on anything because throughout my life growing up I have always fought for what I wanted.

I guess I did not want this bad enough or even at all, it was just a thought and now a distance memory.

There are times where it is like I am fighting for a life that does not even feel like mine (society has me in a chokehold and I can't breathe).

Like, come on I could have been anything in the world and it had to be HUMAN! With feelings, emotions, and the ability to care about what other people think.

What exactly is my purpose here on earth? Battling with myself trying to figure out who I want to be, exactly who am I?

This is some life, living in this day in age where social media is prevalent and you can either be amongst the cool kids or a nobody. Does it not feel like high school all over again where here I am a nobody. Where around every social media post there is the girl with the body that is glorified and the boy with all the clout; money.

I just do not fit in any of those categories, I am the shy, quiet, petite girl that does not want to be a part of the crowd. However, I wish I was, confusing? I know right.

At this point I just want so much for myself it is exhausting and I just feel so far behind. Like seriously am I supposed to have this life thing figured out? I am running on "E" with my thoughts constantly worried if I am making headway to my destiny.

The tools for me to be successful are at my fingertips and I want it all bad enough. So, let me stop staring at my reflection and seeing all the things I want to transform, wasting time. Let me pull up my big girl pants and get to work, molding myself into my own success story with so much love, prosperity, and overall dream life.

Until the next weekly digest, hopefully, this first post is settling.

-PAElement