Ripped

I pull into my driveway after working 11 hours, my hands still raw from cleaning the entire house before work, and the thought of getting out of the car and going inside has me paralyzed. The lump in my throat swells and the tears welling up in my eyes stings my already raw eyes. In between the exhaustion of a day that starts at 5 a.m. and has finally ended at 1 a.m. my "husband" managed to find the time to accidentally send me a text that clearly wasn't meant for me, after he called to tell me that he should have a 4 course meal for dinner, and not home cooked pizzas. The phone call was beyond brutal, berating and just plain hateful. Then he hung up on me. When the notification popped up, I thought it would be the usual "im sorry, work was stressful" line. You can imagine my surprise to read "wish i was kissing you, too." Normally, I would have rationalized it and felt better. Not today, though. My face burned with embarrassment and disbelief. The text made zero sense to me. We hadn't even spoken today, outside of the hateful dinner issue. In that moment, I slumped to the floor of the employee bathroom and sobbed. He must have figured out his mistake, because his ringtone chimed over my sobs. As much as I couldn't stand even the thought of his voice, I answered. Sniffling, and still reeling. "What," I said undeniably crushed. " Oh, I was trying to talk text to you and it cut off before i could say sorry." his voice nervous and filled with deceit.

I couldn't help but chuckle. That had to be the most sorry excuse in the history of excuses. "Yeah, alright." I said flatly. "I gotta go." and hung up feeling like my heart was ripped wide open. So many questions, so much disbelief, and an overwhelming urge to throw up kept me in the bathroom for much longer than i had intended. When my best friend, Marco, finally tapped on the door I snapped out of it. "Yo, you good?" he asked, clearly concerned. In the past 2 years Marco has been my rock. The man I have loved in the most pure sense. There was never a sexual component to our friendship. He was a true friend, and gentleman.

I opened the bathroom door, face red, tears still streaming down my face, mascara smears on my cheeks. The look of genuine concern was the most affection I had received in months, from anyone. He opened his arms for a hug, but I couldn't stand the thought of being around anyone at all. I had to get out of there. I walked to the managers office, clocked myself out, and high tailed it out the front door. I could hear my manager in a panicky tone, but couldn't make out the words. I just knew I had to get to my car. The tears started again, and as I opened the door, Marco grabbed my shoulder. I turned back with a defeated, and destroyed look. He handed me my purse and just waited. I let the purse hit the ground and slumped into the drivers seat. " Marco...I just got to go." His expression said he already knew it was "the husband" and handed me my purse, shut my door for me, and slowly walked back to the store. I watched in the rearview mirror, even after he was inside. I had to calm down before I made the 20 minute drive home. My phone pinging and chiming, and ringing relentlessly. 5 texts from "the husband". Hey, why'd you hang up? What's wrong? OK, I guess you're too busy for me. Whatever, hope you have fun. All the usual gaslighting messages someone would send when they've gotten themselves into a scandalous jam. I took the long way home, windows down, and no radio. Just listening to the world. It's late, so it seems like I'm the only one in the world out right now. That comforts me. There's still a piercing pain in my heart, and the tears come and go, but i am strangely peaceful. As I get closer to the house, a wave of despair slams into my consciousness, and the thought of turning into the driveway makes me want to vomit, but I know I need to be there. In hindsight, I can't remember how I even got home. What road? Were there any red lights? No idea. I turn the engine off and try to take a deep breath. I can't. I lay my head against the steering wheel and cry. Deep sobs that rack your entire body. The kind of sobs that hurt so bad you scream into them. My heart...ripped.