Realities of Being in a Relationship

To you and yours, from me and mine:

With so many virtual avenues available to take in order to find companionship today, I’ve personally found it worthwhile to just simply be you and do you.

If you just do the things that you love, you’ll eventually meet someone that’s just doing what they love too. It shows that your lifestyles may already be similar, and the question answers itself: Do you both have any core interests or passions aligned with each other? Uh, yes.

I’m sure these dating websites/apps, social media gurus, and match-maker types would condemn me; many people can find love in the workplace or while bar-hopping, but what you DO isn’t always who you ARE, and searching for true love and connection in an altered state of mind and in hookup-culture comes with additional challenges. I know that there are exceptions, but from experience…this is my rule. Because relationships, after the first 6 months or so, when the “honeymoon stage” ends, shit gets very, VERY real.

A relationship is a partnership and a friendship sprinkled with intimacy. It’s not waking up every single morning in perfect bliss, but it’s also not waking up every morning with a gut full of anxiety and insecurities. A relationship is a decision that has to be made every day. I’ve learned that I have to consciously choose him and he has to choose me each morning; all the good and bad, for better or for worse, without fail. An authentic partnership requires emotional and physical safety, always.

My goal is to dismantle the fairytale expectations, help create a practical point of view of what “true love” is, and convey how intimate relationships have major potential for great depth and to be a vehicle for growth.

Divorce rates are high, so can we get real about the dirt in that vehicle (not a horse-drawn carriage) for once? So, for the younger couples, or the relationships just making it past their first milestones and creeping out of the “honeymoon stage”...this is for you. Buckle up.

We met at the dog park.

*Cue the meet-cute sighs and “awwwwws.”

My Weimaraner and I would go to the dog park at the same time 3-4 times a week. On this particular day, the city was doing work on one side of the park, so they had condensed and split the other side so that the large dogs and the small dogs each had a little space to safely zoomie to their heart’s desire. This guy couldn’t figure out how to get into the park, so I helped him and his Husky enter. He thanked me and we just started talking. He was actually meeting a friend, who patiently sat for almost 3 hours as we hit it off. He likes to say that “it felt like we had known each other forever.” I had just come back from the gym, sweaty, NO makeup, so yeah…I figured he liked me for me which was a breath of fresh air. Coincidently, he had just come back from the gym as well. His friend told him afterward, “I can’t believe you talked to that girl for so long, you SMELL!” So, I always joke and say, “I guess I just like the way you stink.”

*Cue the “ewwwwws.”

You know, with him, I could just ramble, say everything on my mind and he was just so in tune and aligned with everything that came out of my mouth and we just ate up each other’s words. Sounds just about perfect.

We’re coming up on 4 years together and we’ve definitely been through the wringer. Luckily, there’s been several model-worthy couples in our life, one couple, in particular, continues to inspire us after they made a life of almost 70 years and 12 children together– my boyfriend’s grandparents. Get a load of this surprise from 2020 though: with all the time that everyone had on their hands that year, they found “the other tio.” This uncle was actually born while my boyfriend’s grandfather was here in America, working to bring his wife and 3 children over from Mexico. Lucky number 13 (lol)! See? Not every story is perfect, but every story has the potential for exponential beauty. For some, they feared this discovery would upset his wife, but there was only love and acceptance surrounding the situation. For what had happened so long ago, a magnificent life had already unfolded and whatever happened then, was a premise for so much life that was created as a result.

Despite both of us coming from dysfunction and divorce in our immediate families, we’ve committed to do better, to keep learning about each other, and to fully accept the intricate details that make up our unconventional timeline together.

My history.

Without going into depth, I come from a very chaotic upbringing. My parents had an abusive relationship and my mother wasn’t present for my siblings and me from a young age, so my father was pretty much on his own to raise 3 little girls with the help of my grandparents. My father is strictly a provider, “I was a bad father, but a good provider,” he would say, and while I hate to admit it, I had only dated provider-types in the past. I accepted being less than my partners, and I politely “showed up” in every way they expected me to because, money was power. Because I was showered with gifts and financial support, that I didn’t necessarily ask for or need, their expectations of me and my expectations for myself in the relationships were high. Once the “honeymoon” was over, yeah, the dates had been lavish, but when we began to integrate real-life into our relationships…there was very little space for what I actually wanted. I was often put down for my need for deep connection and my unconventional, sensitive thoughts were almost always dismissed. I was told by ex-partners that they simply “could not be there for me,” or that I “just had to wait for them” as I struggled with my mental health. Which then begged the question: how would they be as a father? I was bombarded with toxic positivity: “Why can’t we just be happy, make the most out of our time, and focus on the positives while we’re together?” “Why do you have to make things so difficult?” Even my dad said that I needed to make sure my men felt taken care of because I was “difficult to love.” When they say that daughters tend to date men similar to their fathers… they were PREACHING.

So, I bottled everything up and did as I was told; I went to college, obsessively worked on my fitness to maintain THAT figure, kept my mouth shut, and worked extremely hard at my jobs and career. I felt like I had to be the full package to stay on that high pedestal they put me on. I truly felt like I was nothing more than a trophy, the missing piece to the puzzle that was THEIR life. How we looked to the public, friends, family, and coworkers was everything. I did what was expected from my partners, family, and society in my relationships and still struggled to achieve financial freedom from the men in my life. Ultimately, I was unhappy.

The provider-trophy relationship can work for some, it has proven to function, but EVERYONE is different– different wants, needs, values, morals, trauma, lifestyle, turn-ons (ayyoo). I’m just the type of person that requires depth and connection.

Honestly, not all of my past relationships were with assholes. I’d actually describe a former relationship as a “bad relationship with a good person.” Relationships come in an array of different colors and dynamics. There’s a place in the world where even the wildest people can thrive in their own unique romantic relationships. I think there’s the perfect weirdo and multiple soulmates out there for everyone. There’s a person out there, maybe down the street or on the other side of the world, that you’ll never meet, and they probably don’t even speak the same language, but they’re just out there perfectly aligned, floating in some other type of life.

Distrust.

Contrary to popular belief, there ALWAYS comes a time when trust gets broken in a relationship. It’s not always something big, like infidelity. Sometimes, it’s just not following through on a promise, not living up to each other’s expectations, not completely validating the other’s experience, or it’s just the first time one has disappointed the other. My disappointment and guilt-tripping isn’t expressed through words; it’s my transparent, disappointed facial expressions that can cut like a knife. Expectations really are the thief of joy. And, yes, you’re going to disappoint each other over and over again.

So, yes, even my current partner has broken my trust. And because of my own high expectations, I didn’t always accept his imperfections or make him feel safe to be who he really was. He wasn’t like my father or the other men I dated that glamorized the act of providing. I was terrified. He communicated as my equal and let me be who I was, so my heart was broken.

I thought I was done. In every other relationship I would have been done- I actually had left in other circumstances. We had the toughest, most vulnerable conversations I had ever had in my entire life and we decided to commit to working on things.

In the first year and a half with my partner: I dealt with continuous threats and harassment from a sibling of mine that was dealing with extreme mental illness and substance abuse, we moved in together after 6 months of dating, I got injured and lost my job, and we dealt with growing pains and broken trust in our relationship. I sought help for major depression, and we had a miscarriage. Complete transparency: I struggled, often, with suicidal thoughts at the time as a result.

So, how do you get past something like that? You really don’t, you learn to move through it. You can’t just live your life as if nothing bad has ever happened, it’s a part of you, but you do the work so that you can live with it. Sometimes, your pain becomes your purpose in life. You get professional help. You get clear on your values. You imagine a life together and whether or not you both want the same things. You decide if those beautiful, butterfly feelings from the honeymoon stage still exist, and whether or not you want to continue to judge each other by the WORST mistakes both of you have ever made in your lives.

You have to get REALLY honest. I had to take a good look at myself; was I still that perfect partner that fell in line to her exes and stayed on a pedestal? Was that who I wanted to be and keep being for the rest of my life?

So, I came to this conclusion:

1. Am I the epitome of the worst thing that I have ever done in my life? No. Then, why should I think that he is the worst thing he has ever done in his life?
2. If I want other people to believe that I can change, then I have to believe that people can change too.
3. I have to be willing to do the work to BE who I want to attract and be willing to give what I wish to receive. Do I want to be gifted with grace and endless second chances in life from my partner? Am I willing to give that to them as well?

Do I want to be the type of person that gives up whenever things get hard? If I don’t give this relationship an honest try now, will I ever be capable, or have the tools to keep trying when challenges arise in future relationships? Will I ultimately give up when things get difficult? Can I guarantee that the next potential person I have a relationship with will be just as eager to work things out and fight for me, as this person is willing to do right now?

“Red Flags.”

When you’re actively searching for red flags in a relationship, you’ll ALWAYS find them, but are you conscious of any red flags that you may bring to your relationship? Let’s be real; no one is perfect. So, when you notice a red flag, do you cut the relationship off immediately, or do you try to talk about it first?

I think some red flags have the potential to be converted to green flags or they can be affirmed through your attempts to COMMUNICATE about them. How can you know what each other is feeling if you don’t communicate? How can you become aware of how your actions affect another person unless you are told? When a tough conversation arises, is your partner comforting and willing to listen, communicate, compromise, and come up with a plan for when a similar situation or issue arises in the future? Red flag converted. OR, did they dismiss the issue, become defensive or abusive, refuse to communicate, invalidate and gaslight you? Red flag confirmed. Is their behavior rooted in negative past experiences? Are they willing to work on themselves?

LET’S BE CLEAR: there are some red flags that should NEVER be tolerated, such as physical and emotional violence: purposely inflicting physical harm and injury, pressure to engage in or nonconsensual sex acts, neglect, stalking, intimidation, isolation, neglect, threats, controlling behavior and money, etc. Even if you love the person and can understand “why they act the way that they act,” maybe you empathize with their tumultuous upbringing, your safety has to be a priority. Your physical and mental health matters. Remember, love should be a safe place. FYI, abuse is typically learned through family, friends, pop culture, and inequities in society. Abuse is a CHOICE and we are all responsible for our actions. Please seek help.

No one is perfect and no one is innocent of engaging in emotionally abusive BEHAVIOR, but I do think that THIS specific type of behavior is under-explored and there is often “taboo” surrounding the discussion of what is “emotionally abusive behavior” entails. No one likes to admit that they are wrong, or that they have been abusive, but we have (Oh shit). Most people at this point are about to click past this page but hear me out: If behavior is learned, it has the potential to be unlearned.

What is considered emotional abuse:

1. Verbal abuse: yelling, swearing, or insulting someone.
2. Rejection: CONSTANTLY having your ideas, thoughts, and opinions rejected.
3. Gaslighting: manipulating what is true to make you question your feelings, thoughts, and understanding of things, or even your own sanity.

I could easily say that I’ve never done any of those things before and that I am the damsel in distress in this story, but that would be a lie. I am extremely human. WE ARE EXTREMELY HUMAN.

EXHIBIT A: classical conditioning and sibling relationships. Many of us have seen this emotionally abusive behavior first within our family units and have been testing this behavior out on our family members for years. Naturally, if we have been reinforced for an extended period of time that it is “ok” to engage in such maladaptive behavior towards the people we love and care about most in the world, especially when things go wrong, or whenever things don’t go our way, this same behavior can be generalized across different people, places, and social situations. This behavior took YEARS to learn, therefore, it can take years to unlearn. Consequently, we’ll most likely mishandle issues within our closest relationships in the future. I am 100% capable of being an asshole, however, therapy over the years has truly saved my life and has saved so many of my closest relationships today. No shame in my game, I needed help and I am so grateful.

Today, I remain constantly eager to learn about “why it is I do the things that I do,” so that I can continue to heal, diminish triggers, and discontinue the generational trauma. I am motivated to be the change and give my future children the confidence, love, resiliency, and skills I wish I had received. Furthermore, the more I learn about my own “why” behind my behavior, my empathy for others grows stronger, and I am invested in discovering the “whys” behind the behaviors of others too.

Can you stay mad at the things you deeply understand? If you could train yourself and be open to feeling the happiness AND the pain that others are feeling; would you make an effort to be more conscious of your actions? Would you take a little extra time or take small measures to prevent and ease the suffering of others? I truly think empathy could save the world, but that’s an entire topic worthy of decoding another time.

I digress, is there anyone on this planet that is pure and innocent of engaging in any form of emotionally abusive behavior in relationships?

Are you an emotionally abusive person? No.

But, can you be emotionally abusive at times? Yes.

So, What can you do about it?

Acknowledge your behavior.

Once you’re aware of what’s been said, apologize AND (very important) acknowledge and state, out loud to your partner, what it is that you’re sorry for. This confirms and validates your partner’s perception and experience; it shows that you understand what’s going on. It’s the first step to re-establishing safety in the relationship again. IF the behavior continues and is consistently ignored, denied, and regularly engaged in…that is most likely an emotionally abusive person. RED FLAG.

Don’t just “squash it” after an apology is issued.

After you’ve apologized, seek to know “why,” talk about it, and ask for help to change the behavior. Work on creating a foundation that you both can jump off of after moments of imperfection. There’s the expectation that forgiveness is inherent if someone issues an apology. The more often you apologize for the same thing, the word “sorry” loses its potency, and without changed behavior, it’s likely that the other person will lose trust in you because your words, essentially, mean…nothing. Words are just WORDS, they don’t control us. Forgive on your own time.

“Forgive and forget,” in my opinion, is unhealthy. “Forgive and learn” OR “forgive and let go” is more up my alley. If you actually make the conscious choice to FORGET, how likely are you to TOLERATE and forgive similar negative behavior in the future? Forgetting abuse, wrongdoings, etc., relieves us of the opportunities to create boundaries and develop coping strategies.

You should forgive the other person for YOU, not for the other person. Forgive them so YOU can move forward. It is possible to let go of the emotions attached to that situation, but you shouldn’t forget so that you can build and maintain healthy boundaries surrounding that type of behavior in the future.

So, you screwed up, time for the comeback. I used to tell my man often, “if I can’t trust you when it comes to little things, how can you expect me to trust you on big things?” It can be frustrating to hear, but it’s the truth, “you’ll just have to show me that I can trust you again.” Ok, but HOW?

Work on building trust with yourself.

If you can’t even trust YOU to follow through with your own promises to yourself, why should anyone else trust you? If you tell yourself that you’re going to do something and you don’t do it, do you get down on yourself? Do you try again? Or, do you accept failure?

Be a person of your word with EVERYTHING you do. If you say that you’re going to do better, do it. Even if you maintain the goal of being “1% better each day.” You’re the #1 person in your life forever, you need to believe that you are trustworthy AND that you are deserving of being trusted. Close your eyes and imagine a list of all the people you trust, did you imagine yourself first? You are worthy. A relationship is a partnership, 50/50. Equally deserving of love, support, validation, affection, and trust. You have to be willing to give what you wish to receive. We all mess up now and again, no one is perfect, but we can reconcile through prioritizing growth in our lives.

We all have different needs when it comes to the frequency, duration, and intensity of different intimate acts (See the 5 love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch). Because you require something different than your partner to feel love and connection, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t receive those things in your relationship. We all want to be loved and accepted. So, what do you do when your wants and needs aren’t perfectly aligned with those of your partner? (You must be tired of this solution by now) COMMUNICATE.

My partner and I used to feel hurt when he was trying so hard to do different acts of service for me and I still didn’t feel cared for or “wanted.” I’d get insecure and he’d get defensive and feel defeated because he’d really be trying his hardest and I wasn’t acknowledging his actions. I really just needed to hear and feel him to know that he cared and wanted me. That meant more to me and showed clearly to me how much I meant to him, as opposed to him doing things for me.

Celebrate yourself and each other.

Do the things that make you feel proud of yourself. Start with small promises and make an effort to celebrate those small victories when you keep them. Accept and honor yourselves as individuals. Only take advice from, or aspire to be like those whose qualities and values align with yours. As you continue to grow, reach milestones, and create goals together…celebrate some more with each other.

Rebuilding trust takes time, it just does. There’s no “quick fix” or “fast-track” to trustworthiness. Seeing progress in the rebuilding stage, realistically, takes months. Trust being completely REBUILT, might take years, but you can continue to have a beautiful relationship and grow throughout this process. You both have to want it.

After trust has been broken and you both choose to stay and work it out, the partner that has been hurt should be acknowledged and celebrated for working through their pain and choosing to stay because it hurts like hell and is extremely difficult. Be patient because they’re working diligently every day to rewire their minds and trauma responses because they love you.

Vice versa, the partner that has broken the trust should also be acknowledged and celebrated for their effort, for willingly reliving their worst mistakes every day in an effort to better themselves, and expressing to their partner that they’re “all in,” whatever it takes, even when it hurts.

Years later, I still get triggered (that feeling of heat rushing to my face, my stomach freefalling, tingling throughout my entire body, heart racing, and a sense of panic that gets caught at the base of my throat) and I still get taken back to that time when he “broke us.” I rarely bring it up anymore, though. I take a step back, take some breaths, engage in different coping strategies, and remember that I CHOSE to work through this and I remind myself of all the things he has done to prove that he wants this relationship and how much he loves me– progress. It took a while, but I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to stop PUNISHING him. He screwed up, I’ve screwed up, but if I really wanted to move forward in our relationship, I couldn’t keep bringing up the past whenever I felt upset, even when it was unrelated.

If I truly believed that he couldn’t be trusted, or that he really was this terrible, malicious person that wasn’t trying to save our relationship, why was I even with him? That’s when I knew that he wasn’t ANY of those things.

I had to be honest about how many opportunities was I actually giving him to prove that he was trustworthy (to show that he was actually doing the work). For a while, I kept him on a short leash and emotionally punished him (accusing, obsessing about social media, threatening to leave) whenever he was imperfect. He is human and flawed, but so am I. Realistically, I had to consider how long can this go on before we crumbled. Did I really want the stress of hypercriticism to become a habit in our relationship?

Let go and be willing to make compromises.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”

If you want things to be different, you have to move differently. If our goal was to grow and strengthen our relationship, then we had to be willing to do the things that enabled growth and strength; none of which are easy. Holding on to the past wasn’t helping us. I finally got to the point of pure frustration and constant anxiety, so I had to ask myself, what would happen if…I let go? Big things don’t happen without risk and greatness isn’t achieved without overcoming obstacles. So, I jumped.

What’s the worst thing that could happen if we came to a compromise and it didn’t work? Well, at least we learned and we each felt heard. Maybe we could end things knowing that we tried absolutely everything, BUT I like the option of continuing to try something else, compromising yet AGAIN. Resiliency and commitment: we could see this as an opportunity to strengthen our communication skills while keeping things a little spicy and fresh in our relationship. I don’t know about you all, but there’s something that’s just so sexy about someone that doesn’t give up on me. It’s a win/win for the relationship!

“I never lose; I win or I learn.” It’s a win/win for the relationship!

So, things aren’t perfect. However, we’ve created a space of depth, safety, and a love that wouldn’t have been possible had we strived to be that fairytale couple on the surface and kept all the messy, dirty, unflattering secrets in the shadows. Had we just smiled and focused on being “positive” in everything that we did, there would be no space for vulnerability, courage, or humanity. What makes a couple perfect for each other, is when you can reflect the best versions of yourselves back to each other; revealing the “good” parts of each other that were maybe difficult to see or acknowledged before, but also revealing the “bad” or hidden parts of yourselves back to each other, providing opportunities to heal while being supported and being loved for your darkness as well as your light. I don’t think you always have to “find yourself” or “work on yourself” before you start dating. Although I enjoy being alone with myself, there were so many things that were kept buried that I was afraid to be honest about and confront when I was solo. I don’t think I was ready to expose and work on those particular things UNTIL I was with someone that could fully support me, accept me, and love me through that type of deep-rooted shame. Shit’s been real. By using our relationship as a vehicle for growth, we have been able to create a space of physical, emotional, and intimate safety. We’ve found a way to make all of those dirty, messy, unflattering parts of ourselves loveable. After everything that we’ve been through and worked towards, we’ve developed the skills and confidence to take on, well, anything.

References:

https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-is-emotional-abuse

https://www.idas.org.uk/our-services/help-if-you-are-abusive/what-is-abusive-behaviour/

https://www.thehotline.org