PUSH

Chapter 2

I entered college with numerous scars, I had no hope in the life I was living because life was eating me alive even when I was pushing hard, so hard to stay solid. When your whole life has been a mistake it is actually very obvious that you would end with all the unwanted scars. And that was what I was left with.

Even if the monster makes you laugh, you still shouldn't forget that it is still a monster.

My dad was good. At least that was what I made myself to believe. He was there at my hard times not to support me but to make it even more hard that I had, to choke on it and couldn't even die. I don’t know how others view the world but when I view it I always have the bar grids not letting me to view it properly. I wasn’t allowed to do many things. Why wasn’t I allowed? Yes good question, I wasn’t allowed because I was different. I was different from my sister, I was different from my cousin who always had to falsely accuse me for one thing or the other, I was different from my relatives who always manipulated me, I was different from my classmates who were all normal. Being different is a sin if you had my life. I was always suspected and always watched. When I was in my 3rd grade, one of my classmates moved next to my house and I was really happy because until then I had no friends from my street and I thought even she was happy having me. But she went and then told the whole class to not talk to me because apparently her mom told that and yet she was coming over to my house each and every day. Then I later heard what was the actual reason, she had told everyone that I dress differently, I wear shorts and mini skirts and that’s why her mom warned her about girls like me. Like seriously I was just in my fucking 3rd grade at that time.

I had had difficulty in finding friends and till this date I really haven’t figured it out. But mostly it happens because of only one reason, jealousy. Because the classmate who told everyone to not talk to me, always used to get the same shirt or dress or whatever I get from the same store on the very next day I buy. And of course it was very annoying. But I told my dad but he didn’t understand it and laughed about it. In my whole life I always had one friend or the other who always either copied me and then talked bad about me itself to everyone. It is a fucked up world that I live in. My mom never liked me not even once but she had acted like she liked me or even loved me a few times but wouldn’t even give me the time to soak in that and would pull me back to reality. My reality always had me on the verge of taking my own life but then missing it each time. Oh trust me I could even write a whole book on all the methods to take one’s life. I have several phone numbers of suicidal helplines but none could save me. My whole life was tragic and I tried really hard to at least survive it. I always get to bed with the hope that tomorrow would be different and everything will change tomorrow only to wake up and find myself in much worse tomorrow. I am 21 years old and still unemployed and this is my story.