Postpartum

No one talks about their demons they battle alone during postpartum. The struggle of wanting help but feeling so limited. The random burst of crying just to let out what you are feeling because even though you can try to talk to someone they will never fully understand.

Well since I’m an open book when it comes to writing here’s how my experience is going. Lately I’ve been emotional but that’s usually normal for postpartum. I’ve had my cries, I’ve had my moments. But I still have to keep going. It’s hard to talk to people who you think will understand you, because they don’t know what I’m going through mentally. I want everyone to put their emotions aside for me but it seems that no one can. Everyone puts their emotions before mine and what they want but they don’t stop to think about how I’m feeling and what I may need. How sad is that, does anyone stop to think “ maybe what I’m doing or saying is adding to how she feels” I don’t think so. Otherwise I think things would be different. That’s where all the depression comes in. My feelings and what I need aren’t valid, but yet everyone else’s are? That’s selfish of everyone. But yet if I speak my mind it’s like I’m “ arguing “ or causing commotion. No it’s the fact that you don’t want to listen because of your grudges you’re holding towards a person. My mistake was ever saying anything to anyone. You want the best for me and what I need but you aren’t really listening to what I need. You zone out my needs to fulfill your own needs/want. At the end of the day it’s not about you him or her it’s about ME.

The pressure of breastfeeding, constantly getting asked if I’m going to breastfeed. I am trying my best to produce as much as I can, but it doesn’t help when I’m not eating much either. Once maybe twice a day if I’m lucky I can eat. I’m doing my best damn it. I’m limited to how much I can pump when most of my time is caring for my little one and trying to catch up on sleep when I can. Or deciding to wash some clothes or even clean up a bit. I don’t have much help most of the time it’s just me. So just imagine how often I actually do get to pump twice a day if I’m lucky.

All of these emotions, these unspoken thoughts are currently crowding my head and filling myself with so much anxiety and depression, but no one seems to notice. I don’t speak up because as I said before everyone wants to put their feelings above mine. So I don’t bother anymore. So I figured maybe if I wrote about it I would feel somewhat better by at least getting out this way where no one can get upset with me. But even writing about it won’t do anything I just have to put a straight face and fake it till I make it. It’s not like I haven’t done that before.

This anxiety has felt like a boulder is on my shoulders and I’m going to break down soon. There’s so much that comes attached with it, “ will I fail “? “ what if this “ “ what is that “. It’s all just consuming me slowly and sooner or later I will break. I’ve never had this much anxiety before but now it’s just too much sometimes. I don’t even know how to control my own mind anymore to tell it to stop. Hopefully the therapy helps, because if it doesn’t I don’t know what will.