Please Hold Me Accountable

I was literally picked on/treated differently most of my life even before I gained weight and felt weird unattractive nerdy loser that was too spacey and didn’t fit in.

I’m not complaining that I felt different or secluded or picked on. Yeah - it sucked and it’s something I still sometimes catch myself thinking about. (Obviously since I'm writing about it)

Some People treated me different after I lost a crap ton of weight. (I lost 150lbs in one year) What I mean by that is… people who normally ignored a wallflower like me...pay attention to me more now and it’s usually never for good reasons. BUT - not to dwell on the negative….It allowed me to see multiple perspectives and learn how to embrace who I am as a person and what I want and Dont want. I

’m not saying losing weight fixed all my problems - it honestly kept revealing more problems and I just kept staying in the quest to solving them for myself. Losing weight or looking “prettier” certainly means nothing unless I want it to mean something. Quality of life is all that matters. At the end of the day…are you happy? You are the only one that’s responsible for that. I am happy despite everything that fights against that…but the trick is knowing what to sacrifice for the long term.

I feel it’s Better to be temporarily dissatisfied for long term prosperity than to get temporary satisfaction to maintain long term depression.

Because of this perspective, I have alot to say about inequality from my own personal experience on multiple topics. These experiences include how I grew up, what environment I grew up in, how I handled my emotions, how I question everything, how I look(ed), growing up fast, how I observe and I’m (now) patient but I learned this all through trial and error, pain, mistakes or just suffering with out cause or reason. It sucked but it made me pretty fucking wise tbh. So I feel it’s important to share some really cool shit I learned because its only recently I felt what true confidence feels like to it’s core and putting it to the test is the best part. It’s called living life.

Thing is- it’s not very effective for everyone to just read this kind of wisdom that I want to share… some people hate reading (are you even reading this…lol ) so that’s why after ten years of procrastinating, suffering from major depression and after dropping out of film school (with only 2 semesters left to go) I’m FINALLY REALLY SERIOUSLY GOING TO PURSUING MY DREAM OF BEING A FILM DIRECTOR. This is because - to me - this is my way of communicating to multiple people at once.

And if you know me - you already know what’s about to Happen once I have a goal. It's going down. JUST WATCH ME. I'm patient... I’ll earn my place. Keyword…EARN.

So…In the past I was a chronic procrastinator and perfectionist. I’m fighting those habits with my entire being to overcome this and make it through this new balance and transition where I’m doing what I love and making it reality. I dont much money doing what I do but it is so worth it. It’s worth every penny and it will pay off later because if you’re passionate enough about something - it will become reality you strive for.

I’m putting this here as motivation for myself and anyone else who needs to hear it. Please hold me accountable. I owe you a film. Especially you all back home.

Here is a before and after pic of me when I made the decision to quit film school beside a Picture taken today on set of me happy to make $50 doing what I love to my entire core being. Happiness makes a difference. Happiness allows me to fully enjoy the experience. It’s the reward with celebrating after working hard

A year from now you'll wish you started today