Please ask me to wait

(A little context to begin. The unitalicized parts were written back in January of 2007 and the italicized parts - like this - are my additions and reflections now. Using the insight and knowledge I have gained since the initial writing to offer notes to my past. Here we go...)

“I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.”

It’s a little weird to be able to relate to a statement like this, but I can. I don’t know if I can explain it in a way for others to understand but I feel like I’m lost within myself. Wanting to figure out who I am and where I fit but not knowing where to start, or what questions I need to ask.

(Just breathe.)

I feel stuck.

(Just breathe.)

Every time I think I’ve started to figure things out something happens to throw that off. It’s not necessarily anything significant, just something. Sometimes it’s an event, sometimes it’s something someone says, and sometimes it’s just a single thought that flashes through my mind.

(Maybe it's just past patterns continuing to repeat themselves, keeping me going in circles as I can't figure out where to get off as I can't yet see the pattern that's playing out.)

I want to reach out to others for help, for reassurance, for some understanding … but I’m just not sure how. I don’t know if I can. My track record makes it hard to know. I feel close to people on some levels and on others can’t seem to let go of my independence enough to rely on someone else. Part of this may be because of people I’ve known proving to be unreliable when I needed someone just to be there. Part of it also may be from often being the strength for someone else, just being used to being the one to be leaned on.

(Maybe it's a trauma response. It's time to journey in fully and completely and learn to trust your instincts to learn to fully trust others with your complete self. Trust that whatever happens you will be - and being is the whole point of this human thing.)

I’m not really sure. Just trying to express some thoughts. Don’t really know if any of this makes sense, but I’m not too worried about that, as this isn’t really being done for anyone but me.

(It doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't need to be all figured out. Life is an adventure - that's the point. Just breathe. Feel your feet on the ground. Be present. Just be.)

I wonder if I’m capable of opening myself up enough to be vulnerable to someone else … I used to be but I’m not so sure I am anymore. I don’t like being vulnerable and I’m not sure about someone else having that kind of impact on me. On the other hand, I’m not a big fan of having that kind of impact on someone else either. It scares me to think of the pain that someone could cause me, or that I could cause someone else, to feel.

(I think my humanity is showing. The imprints of the past still opens wounds waiting to be looked at, cleaned out, and allowed to heal. Keeping the lesson but releasing the hurt. Keeping the knowledge and forgiving myself. I'm always doing the best I can with what I have in any given moment.)

My thoughts are so scattered, I’m not really certain of anything. I don’t know who I am or who I want to be. And I don’t know how to go about figuring that out. So, like it says in the quote, if you see me before I do please ask me to wait.

(Take a breath. Inhale. Exhale. You got this.)