Parents

Where does one even start when speaking about their parents?

Hugs, hugs that are shared together, warm embraces that let's you know you're not alone?

Laughs, laughs that are so memorable that you look back upon these childhood moments at your lowest?

Support, support that you know that you'll always have no matter what wrongs you'll ever do?

I would never know any of this, I could never truly experience the joy and the memories that a child, that a loved little kid, would ever experience.

Sometimes, I blame myself for this. I wish I could have been a daughter that someone would want to take care of. But how could I even get better when I was only 6 months old when I was rushed to the hospital for dehydration, when I was given to my grandparents, my father's parents.

I could have done nothing at such a young age to prove myself to be a worthy daughter to them. To show that I'm deserving of their time, I really couldn't have.

So why do I still feel like I'm the cause of my own pain?

Maybe because I dwell on a situation that I have no control of.

Maybe because my grandparents had to raise another child at their age.

I'm a truly a fool, that's what I am.

To have hope that when my father promised to show up to my high school graduation that he'll come. The same man who'd call me as a child say he's on his way to spend time, to see me, but only to call the next day with a excuse.

To have sent my mother a invitation and a message of when it starts only for her to lie and say she had the wrong time. She didn't even bother to apologize like my father, he at least said sorry. She acted as if I was at fault.

But what really makes a parent a parent? That saying "blood is thicker than water". Nobody ever says the full saying. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". This meaning your chosen family is the only family that matters.

The family I've chosen, the one's that's taken care of me, that's helped me at my lowest, are my grandparents. They are my mom and dad, my true parents.

I will forever be grateful for their involvement in my life.

But alas, it doesn't end here. Their no saints either.

Being a bisexual women, around homophobic elders has never been fun.

Being compared to other children and their accomplishments has never been something that I thought was enjoyable. Yes, their my chosen family, but can even a chosen family be toxic? Can a chosen family make you feel bad about yourself? Can a chosen family work you to your bones until their dust with the labors of burden?

I have 6 other siblings that I look after, I take care of everyone in my family, I cars about everyone in my family.

Does anyone truly care about me? My wants? My needs? My feelings?

No, not really. But that's fine, because I'll continue to care about them. They've done something for me that my birth parents didn't do. They were involved, they wanted me. When nobody else wanted me, they took me in.

I'm not trying to victimize myself, I'm not trying to cover up for anyone, I'm not trying to talk down on anyone. All I'm trying to do is tell the truth, keep it real. Because again, I'm truly grateful for everything my grandparents have done for me, I'm truly grateful for my dad having a heart enough to apologize after he lies, and I'm truly grateful for my mother to not have killed me up on arrival.