Panties

Panties. Panties.

Underwear, Knickers, Chonies, bikinis, intimates, lingerie, undies, drawers, skivvies, bloomers, drawers, ok you get the idea.

They all mean the same thing. Legless pants that are worn under your clothing. I tried explaining it all to my girlfriend when I first started wearing women's underwear. The reasons I had then, have not changed, but I figure why not get more in-depth with my crazy thoughts and more importantly, why I would do such a silly thing.

In no particular order, here are what I consider to be the big influences on such a life-changing decision.

1. Metro. No, not my car, and No, not Metrocenter (If anyone ever reads this, I’m guessing they won’t, but if so, Metrocenter is a ghetto shopping mall in Phoenix Arizona), what I mean is metrosexual.

( met·ro·sex·ual ˌnoun, a young, urban, heterosexual male with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, and a refined sense of taste. I and others called me “metro" before gen y, and the millennials made it cool. Upon further research gen z have now removed the word metro from their language because so many boys are metro that it is now the norm. I have always had a soft side. Many would consider it a feminine side. The funny thing is most people are scared of me until they meet me. 6’5", 320 lbs, almost every piece of clothing I own is black, and most of them have skulls, the word murder, or swear words on the front of them. Sounds pretty scary right? Well I may have exaggerated a bit. I'm 5’9” 220lbs. The rest is true. 5 minutes after meeting me there's no doubt I am a giant teddy bear. Once you get past my looks and you get to know the softer side, then you will see how Metro I am.

2. At the age of 14, I got my very own dress. At the time (the early 90s) I was obsessed with the band “garbage." In the music video, “I’m only happy when it rains" Shirley Manson wears these bright colored dresses that I have just recently been informed are now called a “skater dress". I was in awe. Now, I don’t remember how I acquired that vibrant orange dress of mine, but when I slipped it on, I felt something I didn’t know was possible. (I just spaced out for about ten mins trying to come up with a unique word for it, I got nothing, I’m not sure this feeling can fit into one word or even a combo word like Brangelina.) I felt – A. Sexy.km B. Slutty. What 14-year-old boy doesn’t love the thought of “slutty"? C. Powerful. Not in the superhero sense, but more like a teen looking for attention. Just like when Arthur pulled the sword from the stone, I slipped on my orange skater dress, and I received more attention then I even thought was possible. At the time I was living in a small town in Maine, so most of that attention was negative, but it was attention nonetheless. Regular Bucky was just some punk rock kid who looked homeless on purpose. Not many people that were not already in my circle of friends gave me a second look. When that dress was on, I was a show stopper. Everyone looked, most of them laughed, but I got noticed.

*correction, I just went back and watched the “I'm only happy when it rains“ video, what a blast from the past! But I was wrong. She did not wear a skater dress. But she did wear different, sexy, short, colored dresses. I was wrong, sue me.

3. Comfort and quality. I know guys have some comfortable underwear, but it comes at a price. By price I mean money. They are expensive. I had ordered a couple pair of “sissy panties”, meaning feminine panties that have a pouch on the front for guys to store their goods. I can be pretty cheap sometimes. I will spend 5 hours scouring the internet to save five bucks. In my great sissy panty search of the World Wide Web what I learned was the girl's version is better quality, softer fabric, and a whole lot cheaper. Yeah, as a guy, you can get a little scrunched up down there. The secret is, it's okay to be a little scrunched-up when you're scrunched up with soft little fluffy clouds surrounding your manliness. No seriously take a moment just picture wearing white fluffy clouds, so comfortable you can't even feel them, yet hidden beneath your clothes so only you know that you are wearing them. Or in my case, if you're lucky enough to have a significant other as understanding as mine, a partner, or for me, my amazing and understanding girlfriend, you can share your sexy confidence with the one person that completely gets you.

4. Sexy clothing options. On the flip side of Comfort and quality, is sexy. Another thing I have come to understand is that the more sexy it is, the less comfortable it is. But in my opinion, it is well worth it. Here is a question I think everyone needs to ask themselves every once in a while ...When was the last time you felt sexy?.......

…... Have you ever had an item of clothing that made you Feel sexy?........ A skirt that fits just right, a shirt that makes your boobs look great, maybe some slutty undies that nobody ever saw except you. But just wearing them felt sexy. It could be when your nails are done or you just got a haircut. That feeling of “sexy" is a must for anyone and everyone. When you feel sexy, you feel confident, and when you feel confident the world is a much better place. Now, back to where I was. Listen up ladies. Let me tell you something, it is hard as hell for a guy like me, middle age, fat, stretch marks, signs of balding, ear and nose hair that grow faster than I can pull them, in what feels like a sexually stale relationship, both sides are a little too comfortable, or a little too stubborn, or like mine a whole lot of both. Stuck in a routine and neither of you does anything to make the other feel sexy, I'm sure you get my drift. After that kind of list, there is not much that will help make me feel sexy. Girls have so many freaking options. You have tight fit clothing, undies, lingerie, garters, tights, leggings, corsets, dresses, skirts, high heels, makeup the list goes on. I know not all girls like all of those things, but I'm sure every girl has some of those likes. If not then find one yesterday, cause there are a million options. Guys, on the other hand, have hmm........ Beards……..

Ladies I need to tell you a little secret, I'm sure some of you already know, and sorry guys, I have to let the cat out of the bag, all men have a soft side. We all have a lot of the same emotions and feelings that you do. Some men would never admit it, and some that are way to open with it (I'm sure you are thinking of one now, lol)

On to my next subject.

5. Clothing size. Wow, you ladies know how to play psychological, yet somehow still keep it positive, head games with yourself. I freaking love it! As I stated before, part of the reason behind my wardrobe change is me wanting to feel sexy. One part of that feeling is the fact that your unmentionables a little bit tighter. Before I made the switch, I would shop for clothes, picking out large shirts and having them be too tight. What if I got xl and then gained a few pounds. Oh well, may as well get XXL. Not anymore ladies and gentlemen. Since I like to wear them a little tight and the fact that they almost always stretch a little, I'm now a medium and sometimes a small. Psst……..guess what, here's another of your little secrets I found, know your measurements, the ones I'm wearing right this moment are large, don't laugh, they are kids size large, from Gymboree. Yea, I haven't fit into kids clothes since I was 12.talk about a confidence booster.

Side note, China has fought back, if you order off some of the cheap sites that I do, I'm considered a XXXL. Shut up China! Stop bragging.

Well, if the subject matter along with the title has not given it away, (Oh yeah, and the fact that I straight up said it a few times). Yes, I am a 220 lb man, looking like he just stepped out of the woods, with a giant beard that hasn't been cut in years, that proudly wears panties.

And trust me it doesn't stop there. Sorry, I have to save something to talk about later. Here is a little hint, thigh highs. Until next time, remember, take a moment to just picture wearing white fluffy clouds, so comfortable you can't even feel them, yet hidden beneath your clothes so only you know that you are wearing them, and if you haven't already, make the switch!

P

My 13-year-old daughter, that probably says enough, but I will still continue.

My 13-year-old daughter is home today, on a wed, not in school, because yesterday she told her principal that she was stoned. She is now telling me that she wasn't high, she had just decided that she no longer wanted to go to school. If you have or have ever had teenagers, I commend you, I do not see how I will live until she is 14 and still walk away with any sanity at all. (And that's only two months away. Sorry back to where I was. She thought being suspended meant that she gets an extra weekend day in the middle of the week. I tried playing the logic card, that obviously didn't work on someone that has the brain power of a nat. And thinks her almost 8th-grade education qualifies her to make important life choices.

Let me post a formal apology for the comment that had to do with Nats. I do solemnly apologize to all nats living and dead. I didn't mean to insult you. I am sorry.

When logic didn't work I decided to steal her best move. Lets be as absolutely as annoying as humanly possible. This one was actually a lot of fun. I got my creative juices flowing. Basically, she got hit by a tsunami of karaoke songs, some of my embarrassing originals, and of course the classic dad dance moves. I even went as far as scrapping the rule of “no jumping on the bed” with one stipulation you could only jump on her bed while she was laying on it. ;-) I do have to say, she is one tough (more like stubborn) cookie. We were nearing the 45 min mark of dadapoluza before she snapped. I figure when shoes, hangers, and books are flying at your head, that is as good a time as any to walk away. With as much fun as a dad could have, running my own one-man circus for that long had tuckered me out. I had one more trick up my sleeve, I played my ace in the hole I threw my hail mary pass! This is how it played out.

Knock knock (on the bathroom door)

Mr rock star dad - “Honey, what are you doing in there?”

13-year-old spawn from hell - Going to the bathroom.

Mr rock star dad - Oh yeah, is everything coming out ok?

13 year old spawn from hell - I don't know, I haven't even started

Mr rock star dad - Well I could sing you some more songs while we wait.

13 year old spawn from hell - No, please. What were you going to say earlier that you said would be really embarrassing?

Mr rock star dad - Oh yea, that, well i was going to read you this really embarrassing op ed piece i just wrote. It would be very embarrassing to read to my daughter. Let me give you a comparison. Have you ever walked in on your parents having sex? Well, its kinda like that. The vision that gets burned into your brain and would give anything to make it go away. If I read this to you, i can never take it back, your mind will paint rather descriptive images that you will never forget, no matter how hard you try.

The 13-year-old spawn from hell - Ok just stop.

After that sentence she snuck out the bathroom window, she was gone for hours, when she came home, we didn't speak, she quietly walked into the kitchen

And that my friends is how I used the writing above to get my 13-year-old daughter to pretend to clean for 5 min before she went to bed.

The end.

n