Overdrawn

Yesterday there was less than $1 in all of my combined accounts. I check religiously for overdrafts in case I forgot something, but what can I do at this point if there is one. Today, I woke up to a fee adjustment I couldn't even find and now I have a grand total of $3 so I smiled. One small break to feel less terrified. I have paper checks, but I never understood how to deposit them with the banking app until too late - next time.

What do I do with this life?

Prayer reminders

I have a prayer reminders on my phone called check for overdrafts that goes off every day. But the ferocity of checking increases in a correlational pattern to the balance. I feel alone handling a household that I am not alone in nor in charge of, so it is explained to me. They all complain about money and how can I solve it? How can I solve the problems they make? I try, and, its all a waste of effort that could be used to hustle. Again, and longer, and until I'm puking

again.

What do I do from here but keep trying to stay the course.

They don't listen

Getting their paperwork like taking a child to the dentist and they're adults. Handling their paperwork but it's overdue now and I have to start over what wasn't my job is my fault for not pushing them into a rage every day until they'd do it.

What do I do, except fill the same role I always have and fix it.

What do I do except write and pray and puke.

We don't speak normal—ly

When he suddenly shows interest in my work again I'm nervous. What did I forget. What did he plan without me, again. What will it cost me this time.

What will I do, in this shared household, where all the debt is suddenly mine and I'm praying over overdrafts and compulsions.

Faith

I didn't lose it I misplaced it. It's around here somewhere. My alter stares at me in the office. I can't call it my office anymore, because that's harmful. It's the office, even though I'm the only one who uses it and the materials that matter the most to me live in there.

My alter stares at me, cluttered and dusty and unused in so long. I want to Do The Work again, and I

Don't

…Keep fixing things for everyone else,

my therapist says.

Let them have consequences. Easier said than done, as most things are. Their failures are my failures, my failures are my failures, and every day something new and weird happens.

I’ve been writing this across a couple of days and want to stick to the theme, but things keep changing, and I keep making more mistakes.

It feels like I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t anything. But I keep something. I keep something close to me and I don’t always know what it is but here it is anyway.

What do I do with something that feels like nothing?

I wanna be someone that I like.

I’ve created myself, I’ve been molded but I’ve created myself again and again, polymer clay unbaked. If there’s someone else in here that I like more, it Would be nice to find her. She may be cool. She may know what to do with checks already, and not let things hit a crisis and only learn on accident you can do it.

I learn a lot on accident, maybe I should keep trying it that way rather than a more specific study plan.

If you wanna give me a follow and a tip while I figure all of this shit out, It would be the most important thing to me. I love you.