I'm still in love and I only fuck when I drink

he didn't fuck me, despite my nakedness

begging for affection.

my heart doesn't break clean, it gets jagged points and serrated edges. edges, edging. i don't get edged, i get fucked like a sex toy.

a sex pez dispenser.

there is a poem in here somewhere.

but not today and not from this. today i was so pathetic, begging for it for hours only to get ignored for bowling.

bowling.

but with friends.

i haven't seen my friends in months, overall. not for anything fun, only to fill the gaps he used to fill.

sometimes i think about dating him again. hi its me plays in my head and i just wonder what worth i have, do i even deserve to have that song in my head.

do i ?

i wonder about my exes, about the people that fuck me. i wonder what about me signals what i am.

its so tiring.

i think i love him. when he smiles my heart feels better. but the inconsideration plays a role. the past plays a role. i wonder if it's just because he's here and i taste him. but i don't because he doesn't kiss me. he touches me so strangely.

would a kiss and a hug and an i love you cause so much trauma, would it help me and hurt him, would it cost him as much as the lack of those things causes me?

i think moving out is still the best answer. i could, now. everything would be fine. who'd care.

having my own room just makes me that much more lonely. i sleep better, usually.

i still don't sleep until i hear him go to bed, i found out. what if he decided he wanted me? the same reasons i stayed awake towards the end of it all.

begging for affection. again.

it breaks my heart. i break my own heart.

no one is asking me to do these things. he may not even want me to, despite his actions. would it be so hard to at least turn me on with that degradation of being nothing more than a sex doll when we do fuck? it feels so shit to say the things i want him to say, only to hear, yes. yes you are.

say it with your chest. say anything with your chest. say i hate you, say anything more than you think I hate You.

you are the one who said you stopped loving me.