OPIOIDS, The Good The Bad and The Ugly

It took me a long time to get to the point where I was comfortable enough to be open about my addiction. I was in denial for so long and I could not come to terms, that something like that would ever happen to me. I understand now that God had me go through it, to touch someone else, that may be going through the same thing.

This started in 2018, when I was experiencing unbearable pain in my abdomen. I went to the emergency room and they ran every test they could think of and they were all inconclusive. In the meantime they gave me hydromorphone (Dilaudid) via IV. I remember the feeling as the nurse pushed the medication into my pure veins. I remember getting an unexplainable head rush and felt the warmth trickle down to my toes. I then had this overwhelming feeling of euphoria that quickly followed. My pain was finally gone and I had some much needed relief. Once they got my pain under control they sent me home with some Norco(hydrocodone 5/325). They told me to follow up with my primary care physician the next day.

When I got to the doctor’s office I was ready for him to find the problem, so I could go on with my life. I was currently in college at this point, studying to be a Paramedic and get my basic medical classes out of the way. I was excited to pursue my dreams in the medical field, but this mystery pain started to drastically interfere.

My primary care doctor started running more tests and they were still inconclusive. He then prescribed me tramadol 50 mg tablets for a one month supply, until we could figure something out. Well that one month turned into 6 months fairly quickly. I was incredibly tired of being in pain but the meds made it at least tolerable. Every month I would be prescribed 60 tablets of Tramadol. My doctor was running out of options, but since the meds were working everything just sort of got stuck on the back burner. Sometimes it is easier for the doctor to treat your symptoms, than treat the source.

Pretty soon the pain was coming back, except this time it was much worse and the meds were not keeping it at bay any longer. I ended up back in the Emergency room and sat through more tests, still a standstill! Same as last time, they just pumped me full of IV pain medications and sent me home with some Percocet(Oxycodone with Tylenol) this time, a much heavier duty pain medication. When I took the first dose, I could definitely feel it was stronger.

The next day I went to my primary doctor again and he prescribed me more of the Percocet. At this time I was getting 60 tablets of this stronger pain medication every month, and this lasted around 5 months. I really started to like how these meds were making me feel, I felt like I was on top of the world and it also masked my anxiety and depression pretty well. I gained quite a bit of confidence as well and I thought to myself “I'm really starting to like this!”

As time went on I started liking this feeling more and more each day. I found myself becoming excited for the next day such as attending fun events, hanging out with friends, and even going to class! I noticed that these events became more enjoyable and if it was something that made me nervous such as giving a speech in class, I would take a pill 30 min before and I would breeze right through it, with no problem. I got to the point where I would not leave the house without them. My mind rapidly shifted from needing them for pain, to needing them to just get through my day.

They always put me in a good mood, I wasn’t scared to try new things anymore because I knew I had my magic pills to take with me. They acted as my super hero cape, security blanket, and my daily dose of confidence, which I greatly lacked. I loved myself, everything, and everyone! Little did I know, I was going to get a phone call that would change everything.

My primary care doctor called me late in the afternoon and he told me he sent my results to a specialist and they found that my gallbladder was very inflamed and needed to come out, sooner rather than later. My heart started to pound with every word that came out of his mouth, The only feeling I felt at this time was fear. You think I would have been relieved to find out it was wrong with me and that I wasn’t just going crazy, but the only thing I could think of was not being able to get these magical pills anymore. My mind even went to; “well if I get surgery then I could at least get some more after that.” I became confused at my own thoughts, I should be happy and all I wanted from the beginning was to go back to normal and start my career. My mind completely shifted from that, to when I would get my next prescription. Never at any point did I feel like I was becoming dependent on them. Soon my behavior and emotions started to drastically change.

I remember coming home for a weekend, back to my small one-horse-town, to see my best friend and my mom. I was sitting on my friend’s couch and was going through my purse to find my meds, then realized I had one tablet left. A blanket of fear and anxiety covered my entire body and I frantically called my doctor, who was almost 100 miles away, thinking to myself how I could make it through this weekend! The nurse finally picked up and when I explained my situation she said I should have at least 4 days worth of meds left. This was a result of taking more than my recommended dose because I was not getting that euphoric feeling anymore, so I would take one to two extra. That quickly turned into taking 4 to 5 tablets at one time! But I knew I could not tell the doctor this because he would take me off of them. He then said he would send the script into my local pharmacy, I was relieved. In the meantime, my best friend was sitting on the floor changing her newborn baby’s diaper and she saw how I acted when I ran out, just super anxious and I also became very Irate. Little did I realize at that time she started to worry about me and thought I had a problem. My friend ended up contacting my mom and apparently she was speculating the same thing! I was so pissed off, how could they think that of me? I wasn’t an addict. I did not have a problem. I wish they would just leave me alone! I explained to them that I could quit at any time and that I was fine. They finally dropped it!

About a week later I had my appointment with the GI specialist. He scheduled me for surgery two weeks later and asked me what my pain was on a scale of 1-10. I thought for a minute then answered; “about a nine.” When in reality it was about a five. He then said; “well let’s take care of that.” The surgeon pulled his Rx pad from a drawer, under his desk and he gave me pure oxycodone tablets, this time with nothing mixed with it, even stronger than the pills I was on before. I was eagerly watching him write the script, joy filled my eyes but then when he looked up, I put my “I'm in pain” face on. I squinted my eyes and said “thank you so much.” As I walked out the door I wanted to skip out of there and I knew it was definitely gong to be a great day now.

After being on these high powered pain meds for 2 weeks, it was time to have my gallbladder removed. Once it was finally out, I had absolutely no more pain, just the surgery pain of course. My surgeon then wrote me yet another prescription for oxycodone 5mg tablets to take home for the surgery pain. Wasn't long and I was all healed up and ready to go back to class. My pain medication was almost gone and that same anxiety quickly swept over me and it was more intense this time because I did not know where or when I would ever get any more pain meds. I did end up calling the surgeon's office to ask for more but they told me it was too far out from surgery, that they were not going to prescribe anymore. I almost had a panic attack right then and there. When she told me that I could feel my face get really hot and start to spread through my whole body and a horrible feeling of impending doom quickly followed.

At this point I was lying not only to doctors and my family, but to myself! I was still in denial, that I had a problem. I was at that point where my tolerance was so high, that I had to take more medication to feel anything. when I was out of my medication, from taking too many, I would tell the doctors that that medication wasn’t working or it was giving me adverse side effects, so they would give me something else or stronger. They would tell me to just stop taking the other pain meds but little did they know, they were already gone. Thinking about it now makes me sick, I never used to lie, I was a very good girl, with great morals and those morals soon went right out the window. I did not care about anything at this point, my main focus was trying to figure out my next tactic to get more of my magic pills.

Didn't take too long before I was fresh out of tricks and the surgeon would absolutely NOT give me anymore pain meds. I mean why would he, most people are out of pain 3 days out from their procedure. When I heard the nurse say “ I shouldn’t be in pain anymore,” I wanted to come through the phone and strangle her. I then bit the nurses head off then hung up. Who was this person? I didn't even know who I was anymore. I never used to disrespect people like that, even if I was angry. It’s as if my mind completely shifted.

Unfortunately the lying and deceiving only got worse and my acting career started. I would call my mom fake crying and tell her how much pain I was in, so she would take me to the ER. She took me in and was super worried about me, she thought something was seriously wrong with me. I can’t believe I didn’t even feel an ounce of guilt, putting my mom through all of that and raking up unnecessary medical bills. All I could think about was getting pain meds. Well this went on for a couple months, faking being in pain just to get more pain medication. Some ER doctors would buy it and some wouldn’t. I would put on this act for hours until they would give in and give me something. When I started to feel a little guilty I would justify it by telling myself that it wasn't illegal and I wasn’t getting them off of the streets.

Honestly I was so far into the pit of lies, I actually started to believe that I was actually in pain. There came a point where I could no longer get them from the doctors anymore, I turned to something I never dreamed of. I started asking my friends and family if they had any pain pills, I was so desperate, I did not care about the circumstances. I even got to the point where I was taking a few from my mom's pill bottle, when she had her hip surgery. I took just enough to where I didn’t think she would notice. I never would have dreamed I would have done that to my own mom, who was actually in pain and she needed them. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized maybe I really do have a problem. I came clean to my mom about everything and that I took her pills. My mom was so supportive and held me while I cried, for hours. The feeling of guilt and shame finally hit me like a Peterbilt, the feelings were very overwhelming. I then called my primary care doctor and told him I was dependent on my pain meds and he referred me to a pain specialist who also deals with opioid dependency. Little did I know, my hell awaited.

I started going through withdrawals and thank God they were not bad enough to be admitted or go to rehab but I was not far away from that, if I didn’t stop them when I did. I started sweating, throwing up, and the worst part of it was feeling restless and the only way I can describe that feeling is “wanting to jump out of my skin.” It got to the point where I just wanted to die. My mom had to take me to the hospital and they gave me something to relax me until I could get to my pain management doctor.

The cravings were unbearable and I so badly wanted to ask people for some and not for the high but just to feel normal. My doctor's appointment finally came and I was so humiliated and ashamed to walk into that clinic. I sat in the waiting room and I felt everyone’s eyes on me. I just assumed they were all judging me. As soon as the nurse called my name my heart pounded, worried about what the doctor would think about me. I quickly realized the doctor was not judgmental at all, he told me how proud he was of me for admitting that I had a problem and for seeking help, on my own. He also told me that it wasn’t my fault that even he would have become addicted to them, if he was on them for as long as I was. Those words made me feel so much better and the longer he talked the less anxious I felt. I told the doctor everything and I think just telling the truth for once was therapy in itself.

The doctor then prescribed me a medication called Suboxone. “This medication is considered an opioid antagonist that blocks opioid receptors in your brain, reduces cravings, and minimizes the effects of withdrawal (www.hstinleypark.com).” 30 minutes after I took my first dose it was instant relief! I felt so relieved to get out of that impending doom feeling. I knew that this would be something I would have to watch for the rest of my life. I accepted this concept and was ready to move on with my life and to feel normal again.

I did it! I reached my one year mark with no opioids. I was so happy and proud of myself, I looked back at how my life could have gone and I was so thankful it didn’t get to that point. 6 months after my one year mark I was diagnosed with a blood clot in my lung, from the lasting effects of Covid-19. They gave me fentanyl and sent me home with hydrocodone. Before they did this, I told the ER doctor about my problem so he could converse with my pain doctor and the pain doctor gave him the okay to send me home with the meds. They both agreed I would not be able to function with that severe pain a blood clot produces. My mom and I made sure to ask a lot of questions and my mom ended up taking the meds and doling them out to me as needed. Until one night she forgot them by the couch all night right next to me. She woke up in a panic and went to check the bottle. She was very surprised and happy to find there wasn’t any extra taken out of the bottle, I knew they were there and I had no desire to take any more that what I needed, strictly for my pain. Now don’t get me wrong of course it crossed my mind but the cravings were not strong enough to force me to act upon them.

If any of you are going through this or know someone that is going through this, please know you can get through this! You will need a good support system, that is very crucial to successful recovery and if you don’t have family or friends reach out to a doctor or support groups that are available. Addictive personalities are very real and not talked about like they should be. Also know this is not your fault and the first thing you will need to do is forgive yourself. There is such a gut wrenching stereotype on people that are struggling with addiction. We are labeled as “addicts” and all under the same category of “the bad people.” I think this is why a lot of people don’t end up getting help because they are worried about getting judged, which I completely understand. People also don't seek help or relapse because the doctors offices are usually months out, and they cant wait that long, or they cannot afford it. I strongly feel like there should be more readily available suboxone clinics. The same thing happened to me my pain management doctor dropped me because I missed two appointments. I soon came across a company called Bicycle Health, they are an online clinic and reach tons of different states. I called them and they got me in the very next day! it was unheard of. They are very compassionate and caring, I highly recommend them!

Today I am working as a Pharmacy technician…pretty ironic right? Well that just goes to show that my craving and want for pain meds are gone. There is no way I could be within 10 feet of a pharmacy a year ago, let alone behind the counter handling narcotics every day. A great mental exercise to do is; Try to change your perception of pain medications. This is what I did, I thought of them as normal everyday meds, that people need to recover. I shifted my whole perception of them, I saw them as a way to help people in need and not that they were a “magical pill,” or about the way they made me feel.

I still understand the severity of them, trust me. I'm very blessed to be where I am now and I could not have done it without God and the support system I had. I hope my story touches someone and gives them hope. Thank you for taking time to read my journey of the good, the bad, and the ugly topics of opioids.