Oh Richmond Blue Eyes

Oh, Richmond Blue Eyes!

Love. Fuck.

By: Michael Watts

----------

My heart still skips a beat every time I think of you. And how can I not? I’m not obsessed. I’m hurt. More than hurt, because I still love you. Still crave your touch. Your voice. That incredible way you look at me and make me melt, make me weak, make me strong, make me long to hold you close and never stop putting a smile on your face. Our conversations that went on and on but never bored, never left me feeling distracted. Your kisses leave me immensely thirsty for more. I love the way you ask for more. More of that good, sorry.. AMAZING sex. You touched me in a way I cannot imitate with anyone. I still crave you physically. Crave you emotionally. The way I long to see you when we’re apart. The times we make plans to see each other. The times when you stop responding out of the blue. The times when I start to give up hope. The times I think I’ll never see you again... Then I do. Out of the blue you and it starts all over. The longing, the love, the fear of when it will end this time. It feels so good. It hurts. I try to forget, try to bury it, try to move past it. I see your face again. It all rushes back. You make my heart beat in a cycle I can’t escape. Love you. Fuck you. Love you. Fuck you... I volley emotions as the rhythm continues. Love. Fuck. Love. Fuck. Love. Fuck...

Thanks to the wonderful times we live in, which are consistently documented and updated on social media, the feelings rush back all too often. Another glance and there she is. Sometimes with him, sometimes alone, but all I see is her. He doesn’t even bother me, not really. Her posts will ‘pop-up’ as I scroll through Insta or FB, or type her name in the search bar more often than not… but I am getting better. I see her face and just want to stare for hours. Time stands still. I could be mid-conversation with someone or enjoying a day on the beach or literally hanging out with another girl. Nothing else matters when I see her. There she is, I see her through that dark magic window and everything else wilts in comparison. I want to like, want to comment, want to message. I resist, mostly. I’m getting better. If I say it enough I may even start to believe it myself. I see those ocean blue eyes and it brings me back every time. Brings me to a place I love, to a place that made me so incredibly happy. Then I flip-flop! I want to be hurt, because that’s how people should feel after you use their heart as a treadmill to warm up on before your big race. A race that already started before me. Me, I’m just the halftime show. But everyone knows that’s the best part, right? I crave the pitter patter of her feet running all over my emotions, because it felt real to me. It felt like forever to me. I wanted forever with her, and I didn’t know I could feel that way. Not again. That was the love that I only dreamed of. But that just upsets me more, maybe that I’m not upset, but maybe, just maybe because I am?

FUCK HER! I want to lash out. I want to yell. Scream to the sky, to the moon, to the stars... WHYYYYY???!!! I want her little relationship to end in such a way that she feels the abandonment that I do. Fucking buried alive in the bottom of the darkest well. Alone. And not the alone that I’m depressed because nobody loves me bullshit. The alone that I am surrounded by people that love me all the time but still feel... FUCK! The alone where I’m never ‘lonely’ from female affection and attention, but never able to hold on to it either. No, the alone that I have makes me tell multiple girls, great girls, amazing girls, that I’m unavailable. They know I’m single. They know I’m hurt. They spend time with me anyways even after I say it’s not going anywhere. I’m the kind of alone that I push people away before I give them a fucking chance to get close to me. I’m alone by choice, but not my choice. Well maybe, but it feels good to blame you. I want you to feel that, to live that. I want you to know the darkness. FUCK YOU! FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!!!!

Fuck… Every time I say it I mean it, but it just brings me right back to the memories, the good ones, the love. Fuck. It just reminds me of how much I want to. I want to fuck you! FUCK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. I think of all the times we did. Fuck. Hot, passionate, wet, hard, rough, beautiful, sensual sex that I couldn’t get enough of... Fuck. I want your hand around my throat with my cock in the back of yours. I want to lick you and finger you and touch you until your body convulses on the floor in pleasure. Fuck. I want you riding me hard and right when that vulnerable moment comes, the moment when I let my eyes roll back in pleasure… Smack! Right across my unexpecting face, jolting me back with a wave of adrenaline. Fuck. I want to bend you over and bury my cock inside of you while you cry into a pillow that I’m yours. I’m yours. I’m yours! Fuck... I’m getting better.

----------

We pulled up to the Hyatt House, grabbed our bags and dropped the car with the vallet. The hotel was intentionally over-impressive with white marble floors and large glass walls with views of the harbor outside. Everyone there was dressed nicely with the men in suits and the ladies in elegant business attire. It all made you feel like you’re way more important than you are. After checking in to our room, Gerhard and I walked along the waterfront looking for a place to pregame. We had a few drinks and hung out for a while at this upscale Irish bar on the corner. Afterwards, we met up with a few other friends out on the boardwalk and we all found a spot with quick food and beer before the night gets carried away. After consuming enough food to be considered a decent base to prevent a shitty hangover the next morning, the group of us polished off another round of beers and headed out.

Off to see Bon Iver play at The Anthem! It was my first time at this Venue and my first time seeing one of my favorite groups live. It was so much fun. The concert was incredible. The music was amazing. The light show was wild. We danced and sang and drank the night away! We all walked out of the show energized and ecstatic. The night was young so we all kept on playing. We had smores with roasted marshmallows on the boardwalk and hit a few bars, including a revisit to the Irish bar to wrap up the night.

Of course I’m going to wear that bathrobe and drink coffee from the balcony overlooking the marina as the people scurried about like ants below early in the morning as I nurse this hangover. Gerhard and I moved pretty slow that morning, but eventually finished coffees and both showered before making the drive back to Richmond. We took things easy when we got back and just hung around the house. Around dusk, when both of us were feeling human enough to punish ourselves again, G and I walked from his house down to the Shockoe Bottom. No plan really except to grab some food, drinks and let the night take us away.

We got started with some Mexican food and margaritas. I love Mexican food and will eat it every chance I get. Don’t forget about tequila shots. When we are together we do shots, especially tequila.

“Want to hit Lickinghole” he suggested as we were paying the tab.

“I’m down,” I replied.

We walked a block down and popped into the brewpub for a few. We talked to the bartender and drank high percentage beers while we watched music videos of Vulfpeck. It was great, just the kind of night I needed. No pressure, no expectations, just drinking and having fun. After a few drinks there, we wrapped up and started walking through the square. No real direction, just winging it.

Perfect September weather, when the days are warm and the nights begin to cool off just enough. We walked around for a little while and enjoyed the much needed break from drinking, at least for a few minutes. We strolled past a couple places until we came to McCormack’s Irish Pub. We both just look at eachother and stop. We both know we’re going in. We love divey Irish pubs. The entrance was slightly sunken down compared to the other buildings around it. Just a couple steps, but enough to give it that divey, shitty, dark feel. Home sweet home, if you ask me. We pull up two stools right on the corner of the bar. Beers, Jamo and good times ensue.

Then she walks in. So fucking sexy! Just captivating with her auburn hair and gorgeous face. Her body was completely beautiful, athletic, and so fucking sexy with tattoos all down her arm. Tattoos are the sprinkles on the ice cream, and I like my ice cream with sprinkles. Just so fucking sexy. She carried herself with a carefree stroll, and an unforgettable smile accented with the cutest little dimples. Unfortunately, she walks in with a guy close behind, but I still didn’t take my eyes off of her. They sat at a small high top pretty close to the bar where we were sitting and just like that my night shifted course, or at least my attention did. I know I’m an asshole, but I kept looking over at her, I didn’t care what the other guy's relationship was with her. I was mesmerized.

G is beside me at the bar texting a girl he had recently met on tinder, or should I say we are texting her. They are playing this silly 20 questions thing. An easy, uncreative way to break the ice I guess, but it was fun. Either way it was working for him and it took his attention so he didn’t notice how I was in another world staring at this woman that I wanted to know more of. Eventually, Other Guy went to the bathroom, leaving her alone. With this opportunity, I was much more obvious about my interest in her and turned my body towards her as I begged her to catch my gaze. She did. She smiled the most gorgeous, warming smile. Then she made a joke about us drinking Coors light, or according to her, water. She got up from her table and came towards us at the bar as we continued to talk and joke around. I immediately felt comfortable with her, laughing and talking like we’ve known eachother way longer. I reached out and gently pulled her hand to gesture her closer. As she moved in, I froze with adoration. I was lost in her beautiful Caribbean blue eyes. My face must have given it away as she blushed and turned slightly away while still holding my gaze. I was done.

Now all three of us were involved with G’s 20 questions, which gave this blue eyed beauty and I a great segway into getting to know each other. We volleyed ideas of what to ask the Tinder girl next, or how to respond to her question while leaving some segway to a deeper conversation instead of one word answers. The two of us continued talking and getting to know each other, our conversation was seamless. She told me she was a traveling nurse, originally from Florida, but working in D.C. now.

“How’d you end up in Richmond if you’re working in D.C.” I asked.

“I like to get away and see new places. I’ve never been here but heard good things so I decided to come down for the night. I’m staying in a hotel not too far away and heading back in the morning.” she replied.

She was such a free spirit, a beautiful free spirit and I was hooked. We went on to talk about how I just got back from D.C. earlier that day. I told her I enjoy getting away every time I can and that’s what brought me to Richmond this weekend. I was from Virginia Beach. I’m normally very reclusive, nervous and anxious when I first meet someone I’m attracted to. At least until I let myself get comfortable with someone. But this was instantaneous and a complete surprise! We went on and on. We even had some whiskey shots together. It was great and I couldn’t get enough. I was lost in the moment. Then reality hit me. Other Guy came back.

Surprisingly, she didn’t go back to their table, instead he came and hung out with us for a little while. He was nice enough I’m sure, but soon after he joined us he said they had to leave and meet some buddies at another bar. BE BOLD I thought. Other Guy was still there. I didn’t care. I couldn’t see him. I was lost in her eyes. I couldn’t let this be it. I couldn’t just let her go. I was infatuated with her. I gently grabbed her hand and gestured her closer as I asked for her number. I told her I wanted to see her again before she leaves. She blushed, but confidently. So fucking sexy. We exchanged numbers and said our goodbyes.

My eyes followed until they could no longer see her. G immediately started talking about it. How we were flirting right in front of the other guy, how we immediately broke the “touch barrier” and hit it off and how I got her number while he was there. I thought it was hilarious, I really enjoyed her company, getting to know her and I felt great. I wasn’t done. I had her number and I was going to shoot my shot. G and I continued to drink there for a while. More beers. More shots. I was having a great time! I didn’t want to seem too pushy so I waited a little while. Liquid courage. Don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck this up. I finally texted, and I evidently thought I was hot shit. I shit you not, this is verbatim what I sent her:

I WISH I WOULDN'T”T HAVE ERASED THE TEXTS OUT OF SPITE

Needless to say, I had no response. I was playing it cool on the outside, at least I think I was, but inside I was freaking out. Did I just mess this up? Is she gone? I want more! FUCK!!! Okay Michael, settle down. It’s not over. Just be honest, good or bad outcome, at least you know you were yourself. So, after much hesitation, I texted again:

I WISH I WOULDN'T”T HAVE ERASED THE TEXTS OUT OF SPITE

I am not used to being that upfront and I thought either she’d think I was fucking weird, but maybe I am, but just maybe she would love it. After a few minutes I got a response:

I WISH I WOULDN'T”T HAVE ERASED THE TEXTS OUT OF SPITE

I was ecstatic! She was at Sine, another Irish bar downtown, and invited us to join. Obviously, I told G we were going there. We had another shot for my courage (God I drink a lot), finished our beers and grabbed an Uber that way. A few minutes down the street and we were there. I didn’t know what to expect. Was Other Guy going to be there? Was she into me? Fuck it. Let’s go.

We walked in and grabbed a couple beers from the bar. We met her out back on the patio. There she was, gorgeous, smiling and sitting at a table, by herself. Things went along as if we were never interrupted. After a few minutes we were holding hands and laughing and taking shots (again). G was the best wing man in the world. He never acted third wheel and we all engaged in conversations and drinks together. The night started to wind down. She said that she was heading back to her hotel and she had to leave in the morning. I leaned in close and asked if I could join her. We kissed and she said yes. We paid the tab. G went his way, we went ours.

We walked up to the entrance of The Berkley, which had an old elegance to it and I followed her to the room. We had our hands all over each other the whole way to the room. Making out in the elevator. Kissing her neck as she unlocks the door. So fucking clique, but so fucking what. I close the door behind us and as I turn around I see her pull her pants down to her ankles, showing off her smooth, tattooed legs. Did I mention how sexy tattoos are? More sprinkles!!!! Laughing, she struggled to get the tight ankle part of her jeans off. It was so attractive. Seeing her go from a clumsy giggle to the most sexy come fuck me look that I’ve ever even dreamed of as she slowly climbed on to the tall hotel bed and crawled away from me on her hands and knees, her amazing ass moving slowly back and forth. I rushed over, stripping my clothes off on the way. Immediately we were entangled.

----------

I walk the streets of Shockoe Bottom, passing some of my favorite spots. A couple of bars full of memories with friends. Arguably one of the best coffee and pastry shops in Richmond. Down to the square by the train station, and there it is. McCormack’s, the divy Irish Pub where we first locked eyes. Those beautiful ocean eyes! I pause briefly, take a deep breath, gather the pieces of my broken heart and continue on my journey (physically and metaphorically). Only now my mind has gone from peace to the deep dark pit of what some call a heart.

Float along from here to there

Never knowing when or where

The ones we love and leave too soon

And ones we never get to share

Crashing waves engulf our view

Blocking out the eyes so blue

Wishing just to be at ease

But knowing not just what to do

Storms arrive and clouds release

Pouring rains that never cease

Clash of thunder, streaks so bright

Only time will bring me peace

But comes a flash, a glimpse of light

Clouds they part as does the night

In the distance, a hold to hand

Showing me there’s hope in sight

As I’m washed upon the sand

Lying there, I cannot stand

Blackened from the salty sea

But once again I feel dry land

All alone, not one but me

No more anguish, finally free

Enjoy until I am content

But still I turn to what may be

Bygones left me torn and bent

But not for none, I can’t relent

I may be bruised, black as tar

But love is why my heart was sent

I’ll press on and seek my star

Though the journey may be far

Black as night, but deeper still

Mi negro corazón del mar

One foot in front of the other, no goal or end in sight. Just her in my mind, teetering on a day dreaming, emotional state that makes me just want to go get drunk. But not there. Maybe one day, but not today. Maybe never. Definitely time to go drink.

----------

The next morning we wake up to eachother’s naked bodies and immediately start touching, rubbing, sucking and fucking. Last night’s sex was a great, passionate, drunken, sexy mess and we went on and on for hours until we both eventually laid back and passed out. This morning’s sex was amazing! We were more sober and I was mesmerized by this beautiful woman. I couldn’t keep my hands off of her. We explored each other and I learned what makes her shake. She learned I liked it rough. We pushed harder and harder, choking and fucking and pleasing eachother. Learning if I’ll cum or pass out from lack of oxygen first. I came. After a morning of fucking all over that hotel room I invited her to stay another night. She let me stay at the hotel Friday, so I invited her to stay with me at G’s house Saturday. I knew she planned to head back to D.C. that morning, but I wanted more. I wanted to spend the day with her. I wanted to keep this going. I wanted to fuck her more.

She agreed to meet me after she cleans up and checks out of the hotel, but wasn’t sure if she’d stay the whole night. Fair enough I thought as I walked back to G’s house from the hotel. On the 20 minute walk, I probably puked 5 times. We did a lot of shots the night before and I held my hangover down long enough. It didn’t help that the only thing I’ve had this morning is instant coffee and sex. To make matters better, there was a running club of at least 50 people passing me as I tried to hide most of the vomit from view standing behind a bus stop as they ran past. Judging eyes rolled with their healthy lifestyles of not drinking and waking up early to exercise. It didn’t bother me. Nothing could today. Life was great. I was happy! I made it back to the house, chugged some water and took a long hot shower. I was feeling fresh and excited for the day. G and I made plans to meet a few other friends for brunch that morning, so I invited her to join. There was a little time there that I thought she might bail, but she made it. She met us at the house and we all walked down the street to 23rd and Main.

Chad and Becca joined us along with Amy, Brandon and their two year old Peri. Brunch was so fun and it is always great to hang out with these wonderful people. We all had delicious food, mimosas and of course, breakfast shots. She fit in perfectly with everyone. Her beautiful smile was shining the whole time. Her eyes just held me captive. We couldn’t keep our hands off of eachother, holding hands and laughing all morning. We were even kissing each other in public (but in a cute way, not the get a room way). I couldn’t get enough, I was obsessed with her.

We all decided everyone needed naps and we would meet up later that afternoon at a local outdoor festival with art and beer. Of course, when we made it back to G’s house, the last thing on my mind with this beauty was sleep. About five minutes after we walked in the door we were making out and touching each other. We went upstairs and left G on the couch. The sex just kept getting better and better between us. With one hand she grabbed my throat and slammed me against the wall as she closed the door behind us with her other. She pulled out my hard dick and dropped to her knees. With one hand still on my neck she sucked my dick in a way that made my knees wobble and still makes my dick hard when I think about that day. I couldn’t take not touching her any longer. I threw her on the bed and buried my face in her pussy. Rubbing her body all over with one hand, while grasping her sexy ass and pulling her closer to my mouth. Moving my fingers inside of her, I let my tongue play her clit to climax. She pulled me up to her mouth and begged me to put my cock inside of her with her beautiful, yearning eyes peering deep into me, touching me in a way I can’t comprehend. We kissed and fucked and kissed and fucked and fucked more until we both laid softly in each others’ arms. I never want to let go.

After a little rest, we made our way back downstairs to gather the troops for the rest of the days’ adventures. I grabbed three beers for us from the fridge and before I could walk into the living room, she grabbed me from behind and wrapped her arms around me tight. She held me close and soft and loving for what seemed like 10 minutes. I was frozen with feelings overflowing from inside of me. I turned. Staring into each other’s eyes, I whispered “Stay with me tonight”. She shook her head yes. We kissed soft, we kissed wet and we held our warm bodies close just pouring that unspoken language out and filling our souls. This girl held me by my heartstrings and I had no hesitation in the manner. We pulled away slowly, kissing again as I took her by the hand and we walked together in a new way. Trying not to make it awkward for G, we all had a few beers and hung out for a while at the house. Slowly the friends from brunch trickled in until we were all drinking beers and playing games together. After a little pregame at the house we all headed towards the festival. We walked around just having a great time enjoying some drinks, food and our company. She didn’t need me to cling to her in a group of people she really didn’t know. She continued to fit right in, carrying on conversations with everyone and bounced around with the girls. Every once in a while we would lock eyes from a distance and those moments seemed to last forever. When we were close we were always touching or kissing or holding hands while we talked and laughed the day away. I had multiple comments from my friends that day about how amazing she was and how it seemed like we had known one another for a long time. Some of my closest friends could tell that this one was special, and I could tell too. I was smitten. Our day turned to evening, and evening to night as we drank and made love and melted into each other’s warm bodies that beautiful night.

The next morning we woke up slowly and held each other as if we were grasping at the literal sands of time. Unspoken, we knew that there was no chance of seeing the next sunrise together. We kissed and sucked and fucked that morning like it was our last. Hard, wet, angry, passionate, slow, loving sex that neither of us wanted to end. Eventually getting out of bed, we moved to the shower where we started all over again. I pressed her hot naked body hard against the cold tile walls and fucked her from behind, pulling her hair to arch her back while she moaned in my ear. She turned and pushed my back against the wall. Dropping down to the sexiest yoga-esque pose while she engulfed my dick to the back of her throat. We continued the most pleasurable game of ‘your turn’ until neither of us could hardly stand.

Getting dressed seemed to take an eternity that day as each article of clothing that went on would come back off again and again. Eventually we made our way downstairs for a cup of coffee. As the slow drip of nutty aroma filled the air, I held her in my arms and she held me in her eyes. With a tear on her cheek, she thanked me for treating her so special and for being so caring towards her these few days. Matching her tears, I told her I didn’t want it to end, that I liked her so much, that I like being with her and I wanted more. I needed more. We knew this day had to end at some point but until that time, we did not let go of each other. Knowing we had to drive back to our respective homes, we took it a little easier on the drinking today. We took a walk through the neighborhood and grabbed an assortment of pastries from Sub Rosa. Delicious, crispy and fresh croissants, tarts, buns and breads of all sorts from the wood fire oven. Some more fresh drip coffee and we were cruising through another beautiful Richmond day.

I love that city! A place I’ve never lived but always felt right at home. A place where history and progression have entwined together and provided a hodgepodge of beauty, knowledge and experiences that have helped shape my life. And now it was doing it again. An experience I was loving. The city was brighter that day with the fall leaves just starting to show their colors and the sun warming my face against the cool, crisp air. As our day continued, we walked hand in hand, never discussing when she would finally get into her rental car and make the drive north in time to be at work again. I knew I would not be the one who would leave first. Time stood still as long as we could make it. I had dinner plans with our friends later that day, but until then we did not care what we did as long as we could hold each other. We spent some time just recovering on the couch at G’s and snacking on pastries. There was no need to leave and go play around town, I had everything I wanted right there. The minutes turned to hours and before we knew it, it was 6:00 and time to get ready for dinner. Not able to pull herself away, she held my arm like a life ring while she floated in my heart. I asked her to come. She did.

Grisette did not disappoint with a rotating menu of wines, cheese, breads, and delicious combinations that made my mouth water. Beneath the table, in our own world, our hands and arms were tightly clasped. Above, we were all talking and laughing and just enjoying our time together, but the two of us knew that the hourglass was running out and there would be no flipping it this time. We shared beautiful moments with amazing people that evening and to have her with me to enjoy that, as part of that, brought me so much joy. As our dinner experience concluded we said our goodbyes to our friends and finally went to face our goodbyes to each other.

I walked her to her car, already packed and ready to head back to real life, while holding onto this dream as long as possible. This wasn’t the end. Not for me. We made plans for me to come to D.C. to see her in two weeks. I couldn’t get enough of her. My life was changing. Parting is bittersweet, some idiot famously said. We embraced each other and kissed like it was our last. Filled with love, I watched as the most beautiful girl drove away from my sight. Drove towards the unknown for both of us.

----------

It was your beauty that caught my attention

It was your kindness that made me stay

But for all my growing affections

It was your soul I fell in love with that day

It was your soul I fell in love with that day

-The Collection

----------

In July, just a few months before, I loaded the last of my belongings into my 2008 Nissan Xterra. I walked up those stairs one more time, into the condo that I had been in for the past three years of my life. The condo that my now ex-girlfriend owned. The one filled with so many amazing memories. The one still decorated with a beautiful end table I made her for Christmas one year, and the gorgeous wine rack I made her another year. The one where we spent hours together painting and decorating and laughing and loving and making it our own. The one where we raised a puppy together and learned a whole new meaning of stress and joy. Although I always said it was her dog, I loved that little Tank. I looked at that condo, that part of my life, one more time. I took in one final deep breath of gratitude, turned and closed that door for the last time.

Some of my best friends in the world welcomed me warmly into their house. They had an extra room and had no problem letting me stay for a while paying a monthly rent until I could figure out what’s next. I gladly accepted their generosity, but I needed a getaway to clear my head and distract myself before I tried to figure out where I’m going to live next. Just because I’m the one that initiated the breakup doesn’t mean I walk away scratch free. I hit up my friend Gerhard in Richmond and told him I’m coming for a long weekend. He said he had some things to take care of on Saturday, but I was more than welcome to come hang. Sweet! The car was basically packed with all of my clothes and daily needs at the time, with the rest of my belongings in a buddy’s storage unit. Richmond welcomed me with open arms as it always had. At this point the only people that knew I wasn’t dating her anymore were my parents and the friends in VB that let me crash at their house. If you haven’t picked up on it by now, I internalize a lot of emotions more than express or share them. G didn’t know, but he didn’t need to. He’s a good friend and has always been there for me without trying. He’s just there and that’s what I needed. He mentioned that our friend Keenan was talking about coming up this weekend too. I hit him up to tell him to come hang, but he was pretty hesitant. No worries, I was having a good time either way. G and I had some drinks at the house, then headed out for the night. We probably ate something that night… We definitely drank a lot. I needed to disconnect and I did. It was a great time with little recollection to speak of, but exactly what I needed to unwind.

The next day, after some coffee and recovery time, we walked to get some tacos at a BBQ joint close by. About that time I got a call from Keenan. He was on his way from Norfolk and was ready to get weird. G and I finished up a couple cold beers and some delicious food and walked back to his house. He had some work he had to get done and a couple of meetings to take on Skype. While waiting for Keen to show up, I googled what was going on in the area that weekend and stumbled upon a two-year anniversary party for a brewery closeby. They were having a street party with tents hosting other local breweries, food vendors, arts and crafts along with live music throughout the day and gaming areas all over. Perfect. Keenan made it to the house and we headed to check this thing out, leaving Gerhard to finish his work so we could all hang later.

First things first, we walked down the street to see what breweries were here. Richmond has an amazing craft beer scene and, if you haven’t noticed, I like beer. We decided on a tent to start with, grabbed a cold beer and strolled around checking out the other vendors and games they had there. A few sips into our first beer, we came up to an archery area with a local company that provided us a chance to demo multiple types of bows. Why not? Both of us took turns shooting arrows into a thick foam target mounted inside of an enclosed trailer for the safety of those around us. After asking if I’ve ever shot a bow (I have), the instructor let me fire the first one on my own while he observed. I hit the target, but definitely below the three-inch diameter bullseye, marked clearly in bright red. “This time,” he said, “raise your right elbow higher as you pull back, line up your site a little higher than where you want to hit and release your two fingers smoothly.” The second shot was much closer. But the third shot was overshadowed by my cockiness and went wide right. “I’ll be back.” I said. “Just let me get a few more beers in me and I’ll get it.” It’s just like playing pool, I thought to myself as we walked on through the event.

Further down, we found a small frisbee golf meets cornhole game that was close to the stage. We threw a couple back and forth to get the hang of it before a couple of cute girls walked up. They joined us and we mixed up teams to hang out and play a little while. We all talked and laughed and got to know each other some as we tossed thick frisbees into the chain mesh goals. After a few rounds of that and some time just hanging out watching the band, we all needed another drink. The four of us decided to walk into the host brewery’s building to check out their selection. Vasen was kind of a modern clean lines meets the outdoors theme with prominent wood grain furnishings everywhere. The girls bought us a round and we all sat down to enjoy some tasty farmhouse ales and wheat beers alike. The beers were good. The conversation was good. The atmosphere was good. The day was good.

After hanging out there a while we decided it was time to move again. The girls went their way and we went ours (can’t win them all haha). We found a stand-up shuffleboard game that used a large plastic base instead of the traditional wood floor to slide the pucks on. I’ve heard of the local shuffleboard bar that recently opened, but I haven’t had a chance to check it out yet. This was their mobile setup. They explained the rules, showed us how to play and play we did. There was no one there when we started, but soon a few groups came over to check it out. We played a couple games against some people we met there. Won some. Lost some. It was great, but time for a refill. Keen and I walked down to some of the other brewery tents checking off a couple from each of our mental checklists of ones we wanted to try that day. Strolling through the anniversary festival and feeling pretty damn good, we happened to end up back by the archery trailer. I walked up and told the guy I was ready for another shot. I picked up the blue compound bow, pulled back an arrow and released it. BAM! Bullseye! Without hesitation, I drew back a second arrow. Bullseye again! The instructor was shocked. Keenan was shocked. I was shocked. And a couple of girls hanging close by were shocked and came right over to join in the fun. Feeling cocky (notice a theme yet?) I reach for the third arrow and change my aim to one of the smaller targets in the corner of the backstop. Missed by an inch. Still, it was fun and I still felt semi-badass. Now we had the girls involved, with them taking turns shooting. One of them, Jenn, was pretty fucking good. Her athleticism showed as her triceps flexed while pulling back the string. She was pretty and hilarious. I was openly and obviously hitting on her at this point as the banter continued.

Mind you, as far as Keen knew, I was still dating my ex. An ex that I was with for almost four years. An ex that he knew well and had become close friends with over that time. I’m not an asshole (for the most part anyways) and I didn’t want to give him the impression that I would be unfaithful. I pulled him aside, “Look, I haven’t told people, but Kelly and I broke up this week. I didn’t want you to think that I was hitting on these girls behind her back.” “Oh man! ” he responded with almost a laughter in his tone “Things just ended with me and Kuylee Thursday. I thought you were thinking I was flirting behind her back.” We both expressed our sympathy to each other and laughed at the irony as we buried our pain with the distraction of pleasure. “Welp, time to get back to it.” I said as we returned to enjoy our day, only now without the lingering self-imposed guilt of the other person thinking we are cheating on our significant other. The four of us flirted and laughed and drank together over the next hour or so. We were having a blast, but Gerhard was finishing up work and we were going to head back to the house to get him in on the fun. We all talked about getting up later that evening and exchanged Instagram follows with the girls before parting ways for the day. Was I going to ever see any of these women again? Probably not, but I was recently single and that was a fun start to the new lifestyle. Plus, with Keen not exactly happy about his new situation either, it was a welcoming distraction for us both.

After meeting up with G, the three of us carried on through the night… food, drinks, laughter and games all had their parts in our (celebratory sounds like a poor choice of words here, so I’ll go with…) post-relationship soiree. Some drink to remember, some drink to forget. On that day it was the latter for me. In true Churchill fashion, we ended the night at Patrick Henry’s Pub. The Pub lies in a neighborhood that was literally built before the civil war. The cobblestone road leads to an old brick building with a large white staircase leading up to the front porch entrance cornered by hand carved pillars. If you avoid the stairs and continue down the side of the building, you will come to a smaller, less adorned side entrance on the lower level. From there follow the dark stairs down to the basement and into a dimly lit room with white brick walls, exposed wooden joist from the floor above and a small three-sided bar that sits about 13 people, but that doesn’t stop 40 from being there. Amongst the variety of delectable offerings at this grimey dive are the coveted $2 mystery shots. These mostly consist of vodka and red, but occasionally they will mix it up on you and you’ll get a whiskey with fresh ground ginger. Either way, we pounded about five each plus a few beers to wash them down. It was a much needed night of bliss. I guess we left at some point, got back to the house and made it to a bed or couch before passing out.

The next day, Keen and I told G about our respective relationships ending. It was time to let the cat out of the bag and deal with what comes next. Not wanting to face life back home just yet, we both stayed all day and spent the next night there again. After breakfast the next morning, I hit the road. I had no intention of going to work that Monday, plus I guess it was time to start looking for a place to live. Luckily, a friend of mine, Matt, was also looking for a place to live. He was currently living with his brother and his brother’s wife, but they were going to try to have a baby soon. It was time for him to go. I didn’t know him all that well, but well enough to know that he was fun, he was responsible and he was clean. Well, I thought, what about Keenan? So Matt and I asked if he was going to need a place to live and offered for him to join us. He hopped in on the search party and over the next month or so we all looked for, contacted and toured multiple condos and houses. Ideally, we wanted it to be in the Aries neighborhood where a few of our friends already lived and the layout of the house was perfect, but vacancies were not on the market often, and if they were listed, it would be scooped up in less than a week. So with that not likely, we pretty much had our criteria set to 3 master bathrooms, a garage and in the shore drive area where we liked to go to the beach and bounce around the local watering holes. After checking out a few potential spots that proved less than what we desired, we began to adjust our expectations. Then, Matt happened to see the house next door to his brother having the carpet replaced. He approached the owner who said they were painting and replacing the carpets in the whole place then putting it up for rent. After a few quick confirmations from Keen and I, we made a verbal agreement with him then, signed a lease the next day and moved in the day after. With cold Miller Lites, we christened the new place in proper fashion. The page had turned. The next chapter in my story had begun and I felt lightened, as if a physical weight had been lifted from my shoulders. A weight that I had been carrying for too long. The weight of living a life with too many sacrifices and too much stress. Relief does not describe the emotions I felt as I slept there that first night.

----------

I wanted to know everything about her. I couldn’t wait to see her face again. To kiss her, to touch her. We called or texted everyday… at first. I knew she worked long hours and had the tiring schedule of a traveling nurse working night shifts, so I was more than understanding when after a couple of days her responses slowed. I wasn’t ready for the next few days when they stopped all together. Three days went by. I began to lose hope. Four days. I stopped reaching out. I was angry. Five… I was sad. Two weeks and not a word from her. She was gone. I didn’t know how or why, but I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. I sent one last text thanking her for the brief time we shared and said my goodbyes once again.

“Hi! Sorry I haven’t talked to you in a while. Things have been crazy at work. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore.” It was her. That beautiful angel that fell into my life and flew away again, only to return now and fill my life once more. All of my anger and despair flashed away as my heart pounded in my chest. As we continued to talk, I told her that I still wanted to come see her. I didn’t care that she avoided me, I wanted more. She was so happy that I still cared and we made plans for me to drive up at the end of the month for a few days.

Friday afternoon I made the four hour drive north to the basement apartment she rented in D.C. Seeing this gorgeous woman who I thought was gone forever made my heart rush with emotions as I walked into her place. Words were no good here. We wrapped our arms around each other and kissed as intensely as our first night together. Down the stairs, into the living room and onto the floor we went. Quickly peeling the fall layers off of each other’s bodies as the passion grew beyond our control. Moving from her lips, to her neck and slowly tracing the exquisite curves of her body with my mouth until I landed in the sweet nectar of her delicate flower where I stayed until her naked body convulsed with pleasure on that soft white carpet. She stood me up and walked me back towards her bed. Dropping down into that unforgettable yoga-esque squat right in front of a large standing mirror in the corner to give me an amazing visual stimulation while she licked and stroked and sucked my cock until I couldn’t hold back any longer. I came. She swallowed. We both fell back into the bed to finally say “Hi”.

It felt as if no time had passed between us. No emotion lost. No residual hurt from the time I thought she was lost to me. We stayed in all night. We fucked. Listened to music. Fucked again. She made me spaghetti. We fucked. We drank wine. We fucked. We talked. We fucked more. We fell asleep holding each other close only waking up to… you guessed it… fuck. We fucked in the most beautiful, sexy, sensual and loving way that filled my heart and made my chest beat as hard as my dick throbbed. I was overjoyed. I was complete. I was hers. Physically. Emotionally. Hers.

----------

The Washington Nationals swept the first two games in Houston against the Astros and won game three at home in D.C. Game four of the 2019 World Series was scheduled for Saturday, October 26th at National Park. The excitement was bubbling over in a city littered with red and white jerseys hoping for a victory to solidify a clean sweep at home. We walked the three blocks to the metro and rode towards the Navy Yard neighborhood that hosts the stadium. After deciding not to purchase the $800 apiece tickets to sit in the nosebleed section, we started walking to The Bullpen. The Bullpen is the original home base for Nationals fans, which we were that day. Just steps outside the Nats Park, the largest outdoor venue in the area was enclosed with converted shipping containers that corralled the lucky few (few being around 2,000 people) that filled the place to capacity. It was bursting at the seams with lines of ecstatic fans around the block showcasing their red and white apparel. Neither of us cared much about the big game, but the energy in the city was contagious that day. We just wanted to immerse ourselves in it, but we didn’t want to wait in those long lines. Afterall, the game would be on every TV in the area and we still had a couple hours before the first pitch was thrown, so we opted to keep on walking. A quick right turn and a block down the street we chose Bonchon for some amazing Korean chicken and a few drinks to kick things off before the game started.

We laughed and we talked and we ate and we drank and we laughed some more. Conversations between us flowed along as we grew closer and closer. I learned of her hopes, her dreams. She learned of my passions. We talked of fears and our pasts. We spoke of love lost while a new one was growing. We gave of our true selves as I sank further and further into her deep blue eyes. Into her heart. Hand in hand we walked through the city, getting to know each other more and more. Eventually we were walking down by the Wharf, right past The Anthem and the hotel that I stayed in the night before I first laid eyes on this beautiful woman. We kept walking until we saw an Irish pub. The same one I visited twice on the same night just a month before, on that weekend that led to me being right back here now. They had the game on every TV in the bar. The place was filling up quickly, so we rushed in to find the last two barstools. Perfect! Jameson shots? When in Rome. We drank and cheered along with the whole place all rooting for the Nats to kick some ass. The place erupted in triumph with every home team hit, utter silence in the moments that a close call would hold every eye in suspension and it filled with boos and curses when things went the other way. All of that was background noise compared to her. I longed for more as we talked, touched, kissed and drank the day away.

We won that day! Not the Nationals. No, they would go on to choke the rest of the series. But she and I, we won that day. The only choking going on would be in the bedroom when we got back to her house later that night.

----------

Waking up easy, easy like a barefoot summer, without a worry in the world. That’s how it felt that morning after a night filled with drinking, laughing and bouncing around town that finished back at her house with wet, hot, hard sex. This morning was different. This morning was the gentle touch of slow, passionate sex filled with soft kisses up and down our bodies and the cuddling that warms inside and out. We laid there for hours, just losing myself in her eyes and holding on just a little longer with each fiery chill inducing squeeze of my arms around her and hers around me.

Eventually we moved to the shower together and ,after more kissing and rubbing, we got ready for what would be another wonderful day enjoying ourselves in this wonderful city. We hopped on the metro and headed for brunch in the Adams Morgan section of town. We had picked out a French cafe, Le Diplomate, that was about a four block walk and had an enticing menu and all the best reviews. Neither of us had been and we were excited to check it out. A couple blocks down, walking hand in hand past a variety of shops and restaurants in a quirky downtown street, we both stopped. We looked at eachother, back at the sign, back at each other and both laughed as we shrugged, knowing our day had just changed.

BRUNCH SPECIALS:

$5 MARGARITAS

$3 TEQUILA SHOTS

As much as I appreciate a good Irish pub, it does not trump my love for Mexican restaurants. I could eat tacos everyday and tequila is my favorite shot to do, so obviously an appealing Mexican restaurant that offers shot specials for brunch is right up my alley. Luckily for me, this amazing woman, that I was falling for more and more with every passing moment, also shared my adoration for the offerings of both Mexican and Irish cultures. Cheers! Our large, green rimmed glasses clinked together as we celebrated the beginning of another adventure together. Fresh chips with cheese dip, a delicious selection of tacos, burritos and large margaritas… what else do you need to start your day with a complete breakfast? Oh yeah, shots! We ate and drank and talked and laughed and fell further and further into each other that morning.

After having some food and enough tequila to make us wobble some as we stood up from our bar stools, we decided to walk around the area a little while to enjoy the sunshine and wonderfall fall breeze that day. We walked right past a divey Irish pub with a dingy brick exterior. We looked at each other once more, and once more we were on the same page. But not yet. We needed to keep walking a bit if we were going to make it all day, so we continued on for a few blocks until we stumbled upon a quaint little coffee shop with a small front patio. We popped in for a double espresso to get us back in gear. One habit to get us loose, another to straighten us up a little. We shared our love of music, reading, travel and spontaneity while sipping on those hot, dark drops of heaven together. The more I learned about her, the more I wanted more. I wanted to know more, share more, experience more, live more with her. She was captivating. Enchanting. The way she looked at me, the way she smiled, the way she turned away shyly as love poured from my eyes into hers. Those blue, beautiful, hypnotizing eyes that I never wanted to be away from.

Filled with serotonin and caffeine, we strolled back down the city streets, back down the brick pathway, back to the hole in the wall pub, the one with the grimey exterion and dimly lit interior, the one with a long wooden bar occupied with a single bartender and two patrons, two patrons clearly unfamiliar with one another, patrons divided by more than three stools between them, patrons, like us, drawn in by the bite of whiskey and the energetic, but somehow depressing sounds of the variation of Celtic folk music that was inevitably playing as we walked in to join our fellow cursed members of society.

Tequila for breakfast, but whiskey in the afternoon… that’s what I always say. This time our legs entangled and our hands explored in a semi-publicly acceptable manner when we sat down at the bar. We drank cold beers while we scanned the selection of bottles, trying to decide on what to take a shot of. The bartender, a nice (well nice for an Irish pub) gentleman in his late 50’s that looked as if he’s worked there his whole life, suggested an alternative when we told him we normally do Jameson. Why not? A small cheers and tap to the bar and down they went. Our conversation flowed smoothly with the sweet lubrication of alcohol. We shared our scars with stories of past loves and heartbreaks and of lessons learned. We kissed often, quick, slow, hard and wet, with no remorse for the few other people around. As we got to know each other more and more, we also laughed loudly and drank freely and got to know another guy at the bar who bought us a shot and asked how many years have we been together. I smiled bright, thinking to myself how it already feels like that to me, and told him six wonderful years, when in reality it hasn’t even been six days. Time is a silly fellow. He said we looked like we were truly in love and we both told him we were and laughed as we glanced into each other's eyes. Maybe we wanted to be, maybe we were. Maybe is a mask. Cheers!

The day continued with us drinking while singing along with the Irish folk tunes and just having a great time. As the rubbing and kissing grew harder and harder, we decided it was time to go home and fuck like the drunk, in love animals that we were. This time it was dominating as I fucked her hard from behind, with her ass in air and her cheek pressed hard into the mattress. I drove deeper and harder, pressing one hand into the back of her neck and the thumb on the other gripping her cute little asshole like a bowling ball. We fucked and moaned and fucked and moaned. She bit down on the pillow and muffled her screams, saying over and over “I’m yours. I’m yours. I’m yours.”

We fucked ourselves to sleep that afternoon and it was beautiful. Originally, we planned on squeezing a nap in and going out later for a nice dinner and some wine, but when we didn’t wake up until after eight that evening, we decided it was a good idea to just order some pizza and stay in for the night. We cuddled up and watched a movie while feasting on our Dominos and cheap wine. I didn’t need a fancy dinner, all I needed was her. I’m yours.

The next morning we woke up more from necessity than desire. Our desire was to stop the sands of time from falling for just a little while longer. Our desire was to never have to let go of each other as we laid there naked as long as we could. Kissing, touching, rubbing, fucking, but mainly holding one another. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to do it again for at least a couple of weeks. I held her close to my chest with my arms tight around her that morning until the last possible second. She had to get ready for work. I had to go back home for mine. We showered together. Slowly dressed together. Undressed together. Redressed together. Held each other one more time at the door. Kissed one more time. I slowly walked to my car that morning. I left with happiness. I left with hope. Hope that I'll see her again in just two short weeks.

----------

“I’m going to the Jaguars game in London next weekend!” That’s the way the story started while we shared warm whiskey and cold beer. It was an NFL showdown between Jacksonville Jaguars and the Houston Texans. She’s a Jags fan and it is London! How awesome would that be for her? Sounded fun. There was a downside. It was two of her really good friends, herself and her ex boyfriend (who wasn’t her ex at the time they planned the trip) that were all going. We talked openly about how this wasn’t anything for me to be concerned about, that she was annoyed by him, angry at him, that she held onto him longer than she should have, that she was over him and only going because they were all good friends and she could deal with him being there. I spoke openly to her about my ex, an ex that I held onto longer than I should. Our pasts are our pasts, and while they do help shape our present choices, I can completely relate to being able to spend time around an ex in a mutual friend setting. I was falling hard for this beautiful woman and there is no love without trust, and nothing says trust like “go on vacation with your ex”.

----------

We texted everyday. We talked on the phone for a little while when she was on her breaks late at night. Me? I was typically having a few beers or some wine around that time and I would light up like the sun, warm and bright every time she would call. That girl could pull me from a front row seat at a sold out Anderson Paak concert just as quickly as if it were a burning building with those three little words. Can I call? Whatever was going on at the time would be put on hold. She was my world. We would talk and laugh so much and so naturally. I miss you. I miss you too. When can I see you again? We would make plans for her to come see me this time. We would text more.

“I’m hopping on the plane now. I’ll talk to you once we get settled.” She did. I didn’t expect to talk much after that. Hell, she’s on vacation after all. I don’t communicate much when I’m on vacation. She didn’t either. Then she flew back home. She still didn’t talk much. Much is an overstatement. One day. Two days... Three days went by. I began to lose hope. Four days. I was angry. Five… I was sad. See a trend here? One week. Two weeks...

----------

And when you realize it’s a pattern

And not a phase

It’s what you’ve become

And it’s what you will stay

That’s ballgame

-Kevin Devine

----------

I’m not exactly innocent here. I was newly single after almost four years with my ex. I was seeking, attracting and enjoying emotionally unattached sexual pleasure from a variety of partners when we met. Why would this be so different? The first time I met her was supposed to be a one night stand, that just so happened to turn into an amazing weekend. That weekend turned into something I couldn’t get enough of. A feeling of wanting to give her my all. That first glimpse of feelings that I experienced with her was beautiful, but then it was left, evidently, unreciprocated. After I stopped getting responses that next week I carried on with my life, knowing she was gone. This fueled my fire and built my walls. Stronger walls. Taller walls. When she stopped the second time, it’s because she got back with her ex. At least that’s what I thought in my mind. I had no idea. I hadn’t heard from her. I was back on my tear. Putting my emotions back in the cage and taking what I wanted.

But then she called again… I answered. My emotions rushed back, my fortress crumbled, my heart melted and we made plans together. She was going to come see me this time. I was ecstatic. My anger was just a weak mask I used to cover my love and all it took was a glimpse of hope and my mask would disappear. For good or bad, we had a closeness that I haven’t felt before. Well once, but that’s for another time.

The weekend that we had planned to see each other again came and went. Nothing. What did I expect? No text. No call. No response. She was gone. And then, once again, she wasn’t. A long, blue bubble filled the darkness of my screen. Those texts that make your heart stop for a second, and not in a good way. The explanation kind of text. The one that you can’t read in public. The one that you can’t read unless you have time to process it. Process it and wipe the tears from your own cheeks. I waited. Well, kind of waited I guess. Waited as long as it took me to get from the garage filled with friends to my room on the third floor. I shut the door and sank to the bed. With a deep inhalation, I pressed my thumb to the screen and read. I cried. I read again. I called her. We talked and talked. I cried. She cried. I smiled. We laughed. We cried, in a good way this time. That wave of emotions once again crashed against the walls I have built and once again crumbled them. I was filled with warmth and love and happiness. I get it. I have an ex. We all have a story. I forgave her, if there is such a thing as forgiveness, and we cried together. We made plans again. This weekend she would come down to see me. Anger, remorse, regret… they all faded away as quickly as when they first arrived.

----------

Live Love Repeat

As I lay here trying to settle into this new season in my life,

All I want is to be back where we were once more.

I try to fill this void with anything and everything that tempts to satisfy me,

but it seems like there is no relief in sight, just a black hole of heartache.

My actions contradict my true feelings, like a civil war with no clear victor,

as all I really want is to be still.

I struggle with thoughts of how to stop this train wreck.

I try to forget you, try to replace you; but every new love is fleeting,

or I am as I yearn for an escape back to the thoughts of holding you.

I can’t determine if it is you or what we had together,

but I do know that I miss it,

and I keep fighting the idea that I will never have either in my life again.

It is naively relieving to think I wouldn’t have to go through this pain any more,

but even more so disheartening that I would never feel love the same way.

I couldn’t bear this again in ten lifetimes, but still I linger,

with hope that you drag me down this turbulent highway just a little further.

And just maybe, one day, find our way back.

-Forever Yours

----------

We were all sitting there that Wednesday afternoon in the garage that we turned into a hangout more than a workshop. Matt, Matt, Keenan and I were playing some darts, drinking some beers and just hanging out. It was wing night at Buckets and we were killing some time waiting to get hungry and head up there. Well, I was waiting for her. She was driving down and should be pulling up around 5:00. I was overjoyed, ecstatic and weirdly nervous. I was like a kid on Christmas morning. Drinking beers to calm my nerves, but not too many, I need to be in working condition. She pulled up and I met her walking up the driveway to take her bags. A quick introduction to the guys and I walk her up the three floors to my room to put down her things before heading to get some beers and wings. That was the plan anyways.

We walked in the door, dropping her bags to the carpet and our bodies to the bed. Our hands were all over each other, but she wouldn’t kiss me. Not on the mouth anyways. Not at first. She did do everything else as we squeezed and touched and rubbed each other. We peeled away her shirt and mine. Our mouths grazing over every square inch of one another. Our pants followed quickly and the pile on the floor grew until we were both naked, hard, moaning, yearning. We stopped for a moment, long enough for a deep breath and our foreheads to meet as we leaned forward slowly and just looked into each other’s souls. I looked deep into her eyes, now starting to glisten with tears. She muttered “I'm Sorry” in the softest, sweetest voice. “It’s okay” I managed before our mouths finally met and stayed together. Even through falling back onto the black comforter and our bodies melding together with penetration, we kissed. We kissed slow and soft, our tongues holding one another in a wet embrace as our bodies danced with pleasure. “I’m yours. I’m yours. I’m yours.” once again fill my ears as she fucks me with that tight, sexy, tattooed body. I punished her with the sweet forgiveness of hard, pounding sex that we shared that day. Nothing else mattered that afternoon. The anger and sadness that I had was gone. She was mine. I was hers. At least for those moments. We made those moments dance and laugh and sing out with excitement and pleasure. We made those moments ours.

My friends texted they were at the bar eating wings and we should join them when we were done. We did. We spent the rest of the afternoon with good people, great people. We continued on laughing and talking and eating and drinking and holding one another and kissing and smiling and drinking more. It was as if no time had passed between her and I. And, just like that first weekend, she fit right in with my friends as if she’s known them for as long as I have. We had our chicken wings and Coors lights and good times. After we finished at Buckets we decided to keep the night moving and we headed towards the Pub. The glorious, hole-in-the-wall watering hole with one of the best craft beer selections and THE best food. Brisket BLT on homemade Jalapeno Sourdough… trust me, amazing. Shots and beers and good times. She loved it there. Why wouldn’t she? It was a great night. A night that made me push aside the ups and downs and ups and downs. When she smiled, I smiled. There was no anger or negative feelings towards the betrayal that I have been through. It melted away that icy crust around my heart as her beautiful eyes warmed me like a furnace on the inside. I was smitten once again and I couldn’t be happier.

We had long conversations about what happened. About why she just fell off… again. About this guy, and how she told me before that I had nothing to worry about with him. About how I did after all. About how he had apologized when they were in London together. About how she gave him another chance. About how bad she felt for what she was doing to me. About how she couldn’t tell me and just cutting me off was easier. About how she was wrong to give him another chance. About how much hurt that relationship caused her. About how she cared about me, wanted me. About how she didn’t deserve me. She didn’t deserve another chance with me. She didn’t, but I gave it to her anyway. How could I not? The way this girl made me feel when we were together erased all pain or anger that I felt towards her before. This girl warmed me to the core with just a look, just a touch. Fuck common sense. Whoever wrote the book on how love is supposed to go, I’m sure burned it on a cold lonely night. This was real, cosmic energy coursing through my blood and I wasn’t going to let should be or would be get in the way. She was mine. At least for now. And that was enough. We spent that night in each other’s arms and there’s no place I would have rather been.

“I’m heading back home to Jacksonville after this contract is up in DC. I have a good job lined up that’s close to my parents.” she tells me as we lay there in each other's arms. It’s another temp job, but she misses her family and this is a good opportunity for her. It is not lost on me that her “ex” is also down there. We discuss everything openly. She’s done with him she says, and I believe her whole-heartedly. Her eyes pierce deep into my soul and I know she cares deeply for me, as I do her, even through all this turmoil. We start looking at jobs in Virginia Beach for her after this three month contract is done. We talk about our feelings for each other. We talk about a life together and what that looks like as we continue holding one another, naked and warm, under the covers in a tight embrace. We kiss. We make love. Soft, kind, heart-felt, genuine, sexy, beautiful love. Staring into her eyes, I fight the water from falling out of my own. We dance in a slow choreographed motion to the sweet sounds of the moans neither of us could hold back. I come inside of her warm embrace and her gorgeous body gently shakes with pleasure on my hard cock deep inside. We lay there for what seems like hours, me still erect and inside of her and our arms holding each other close. It’s the nights when daylight comes too soon that mean the most.

Early that next morning, with the sun barely cresting over the horizon, we threw on our hoodies and walked barefoot to the beach. We sat together in the sand on a chilly October morning, the steam rising from our coffee mugs as we leaned into each other for warmth and watched until the sun rise slowly to fill the sky above the waters of the Chesapeake Bay. The sand was cold on our feet, but we bared through it, for a little while, just to enjoy that quiet morning together. As we walked back to the house, our feet tingled with a numbing pain. Immediately we hopped in the shower, holding our naked bodies together as the hot water ran over us and slowly restored feeling to our toes. We maintained our typical dress, undress, dress dance as we got ready for the day. She had to work that night and was heading back north soon, but we had time to grab a coffee and bagel at a local cafe before she hit the road. We chatted over breakfast, laughing and holding hands constantly. When I was with her I was lighter, like a cloud floating in the air. She made any anxiety melt away with a look from her beautiful blue eyes. Even in the moments walking her to her car to say goodbye. There was no hesitation, no sadness, no preconceived notion that this would be the last time I see her. I was getting good at goodbyes. Just hand in hand, heart in heart and one last beautiful goodbye kiss and long embrace before she drove off into the proverbial sunset, taillights fading into the distance as I stood and stared.

----------

Gone, gone as the daylight comes

And I'll probably never see her again

Gone, gone as the daylight comes

And I'll probably never see her again

Gone, gone as the daylight comes

And I'll probably never see her again

Gone, gone as the daylight comes

And I'm falling in love, and I won't pretend

-Ziggy Alberts

----------

Once again, (you guessed it) radio silence. At least she gave me the “I made it home, running to work now. Thank you so much!” text. And what else could I want from a beautiful soul who I was so vulnerable to. A woman who made me feel as bright and warm as the sun. A woman that could melt my heart’s icy defenses with a glance. A woman that I loved, even if it didn’t make any fucking sense. What else could I want than a “I’m home” text before once again falling off the face of the earth. This time there was no guessing what’s going on and no hypothetical what-ifs playing games in my mind. I didn’t wait three.. four.. five days this time. This time I slunked my shoulders, hung my head and sighed a deep breath of acceptance. She’s not coming back. I know this all too well deep, deep down inside. I know that this angel graced me with that amazing icy hot feeling that pierced my core and all I can do is be grateful to have briefly walked on the sun with a woman I adore through and through. Even now. Even after this ping pong game with my heart. Even after crying dry tears. I adore her. But emotionally, mentally and physically I was drained. At least I didn’t have hope to hold onto, or that’s what I told myself. Sometimes it’s easier to just fully let go. But there’s nothing easy about letting go. Not really letting go.

----------

I try to walk away and forget.

Each time I get close, you pull me back.

I can’t stop thinking about you.

Can’t stop hoping.

I always want to feel that way.

The way I feel when I’m around you.

I want to hold you, kiss you, fuck you. Never let go.

I know you want me. You know I want you. Come to me before I run. If I can even do that.

I know I’ll see you again soon. I know you’ll leave again. I still wait and want.

I know it’s not forever. I don’t care.

I miss you. I love you.

I’m yours.

I’m Yours.

I’ll never forget when you said those words.

I wonder if you’ll ever say them again.

----------

A text appears on a random Wednesday night, “I’m heading to the pub!”. It’s her. Why? I haven’t heard from her in over a month. She was gone. I knew she was heading to Florida soon and that our back and forth was over. I was getting better. I was getting better. I was getting better. Now this. Okay… “Cool. Have fun.” was my brief response. In my head she was in D.C. heading to the dingy Irish bar where a complete stranger said we looked so happy and so in love. Where I first thought I really loved her. I thought she was being nostalgic. Fine, I get it. I’ve sent a drunk, lonely text before because some place reminded me of some person. But I’m not ready for that yet. This isn’t a scar, it’s a wound. They only become scars after they stop bleeding. Mine had slowed, but I was not in a place where I wanted to send friendly texts after being shit on in my most vulnerable state again and again. I did not want to talk to her. I didn’t care if she was sad or feeling bad for hurting me. I’m not ready! But she responds anyway. “Come meet me.” she writes. Wait, what?!! “In DC? Are you crazy?” I sent. “No. Lynnhaven Pub. Your pub. I’m driving through the tunnel now. I’m moving this week and I wanted to go there one more time. Come have a drink with me.” she responded. What the FUCK? I’m bewildered. I called her. “You haven’t talked to me in forever, dropped me off of the face of the earth again and now you just show up in my town. No! I don’t want you here. Go back!” I exclaimed. “I know, I know… it’s not fair. I’m so sorry. I just want to have a drink and talk about it. Please. I drove all the way down here. Please.” she asked me. “No. There’s no fucking way after all of this and that I haven’t seen you or heard from you in this long, that I’m going to show up in public and deal with this shit.” I retorted. “Pleeaassse..” she whines in a very difficult way to resist “I really want to see you, I feel so terrible. Please, just for a drink.” I can’t do that. My once stable world (well as stable as I could be after all of this shit) was shaking. I was shaking, physically. I couldn’t possibly go through with that. I couldn’t possibly do that to myself again. I also couldn’t possibly not see her. My heart beat with anger and love…. Love. Fuck. Love. Fuck. Love. Fuck. The pattern continued. “Come here and we can talk first. If things go well, I’ll get a drink with you, but we have some things we need to discuss in private first.” I told her. But she wasn’t going to do that. I get it. I’d be full of embarrassment and shame and remorse if I did something like that to someone. I couldn’t face them. Not sober anyways. She said she was going to the pub and she did. I did not.

A couple hours of agony went by before my phone rang. “Hey.” she slurred in a cute voice “I’m drunk but I want to leave here. Will you come get me?” I rushed out the door and drove the 10 minutes to the bar. Now mind you, this is my local bar and I know way too many people in there. I do not want to go through any emotional bullshit there. I pull up and walk in. She’s beautiful as always. Stunning. She’s sitting on a stool chatting it up with some of the regulars. I say a very quick hello to them and the bartender before taking her by the arm and leading her out to my car. I don’t want to talk. I’m furious and burning with a love that won’t extinguish at the same time. The Yin and Yang are strongly opposed, but love conquers all if you let it. I brought her back to my house instead of her hotel room. Heated voices in the car slowly subside. We walked up the three flights of stairs into my room and closed the door behind us. Without words, or apologies, or forgiveness, we fuck. We fuck hard. We fuck over and over, playing our favorite game of taking turns being in control. But this time it wasn’t a taking turns of pleasuring the other person in thoughtful, emotional, caring sex that we knew we both enjoyed. This time it was taking out the aggression. Pounding her pussy from behind as I choked her hard with one hand. Choked her past the point of pleasure, and into the realm of real pain. Into tears. I fucked her to break her. I fucked her to punish her. And she fucked me right back the same way. She choked me and hit me over and over on the side of my face as she rode me like a bucking bull. Wet, hard, brutal, sexy, amazing, beautiful fucking sex. Blood, bruises and scratches were pawns in our game of FUCK YOU and our game of I’m sorry, depending on who was in control. I loved every single fucking minute of it. I loved her, somehow, still. After we climaxed and beat each other to satisfaction, we fell into a warm embrace lubricated by cum and tears. We cried into each other’s bodies, holding one another once again in that vulnerable, sweet state of being. Being close. Being honest. At least for now.

The next morning I had to go into work early. To this day, I do not know why I thought that was important, or more important than spending a few more hours with her, but that’s what I fucking did. I drove her to the unused hotel room she had paid for the night before. She was going to try to grab a couple hours of sleep before heading back to finish packing for her move to Florida. We talked about her swinging by on the way down south in a few days. We talked about how we could still make this work. We talked about staying in touch. We talked about me coming to visit her down there in about a month, once she was settled. We embraced each other. I didn’t want to let her go. We kissed again and again. With tears in our eyes and passion in our lips, we kissed as the salty drops ran down our faces, adding a salty tang of despair to our sweet show of affection. As she peeled away, I watched her walk to that corner hotel room of the old Travelodge. She opened that blue door and I looked into her blue eyes one more time. I blew her a kiss with love in my heart and tears running down my cheeks. It was me who drove off into the fucking sun that morning. I don’t know how I did it. I don’t know how I could breath, let alone drive. My world was once again turned upside down.

----------

You walked right into my life

Unexpected and unforgettable

Your beauty takes my breath away

Your eyes are magnets drawing me in

I could hold you forever and still want more

Here, you are the fire that keeps me warm

Away, I’m cold and alone in the dark

My heart aches for more

My body craves you

You’ve awakened my desire from its deep slumber

Only to show me that dreams do come true

I want more

I need more

I need you

----------

Back to life as it were. You can probably guess that she didn’t stop by a few days later on her drive to Florida. We did talk though… occasionally. She told me all about her new job and about her family and how good things were going. She told me she missed me and that she couldn’t wait to come back to Virginia. She told me about jobs she had found at hospitals in my area that she could apply to. I told her I had some time to come down there and I found a cheap flight. I could grab a hotel and she could stay with me for a few days. She could show me all the fun bars we have been talking about. She could show me her town. I could care less about any of that though. All I wanted was to see her again and to know that this time we had finally worked through all the kinks and there was a real chance. I was ecstatic once more! I couldn’t wait to wrap my arms around that beautiful woman again. I couldn’t wait to hold her and kiss her and fuck her and show her how much I cared. It didn't seem like all hope was lost, until it was…

----------

Don’t tell me this is all for nothing

I can only tell you one thing

On the nights you feel outnumbered

Baby, I’ll be out there somewhere

I can see everything you can be

I see the beauty that you can’t see

On the nights you feel outnumbered

Baby, I’ll be out there somewhere

-Dermot Kennedy

----------

You can probably guess that I didn’t go to visit her like we planned. Nope, instead I saw photos on her IG of her going on boat rides and fishing, not that we ever talked about fishing. No one was ever in the photos, but you know someone has to take them. Someone has to have a boat. Someone was the ex… I’m sorry… “ex”. Not an ex after all, because it turns out they were together. Another “chance” as it were. She couldn’t have me come visit her down there. Not with him there. Well, if there’s any way I’m going to finally accept that we won’t ever be together and that all of the times we had together were just an escape for her, this was it. “I’m sorry. You’re such a good guy. I didn’t mean for this to happen” she said like I’m part of a cheesy rom-com. Fuck her!

----------

At least this time I could move on. Anger is one hell of a trampoline. I could move away from her, away from her lies, away from her back and forth bullshit. I could build a fortress around my heart so thick that those beautiful eyes couldn’t penetrate again. That no one could penetrate again. I would become numb to any feeling that resembled love and care. I would bury my rage with what I thought was love. I would fuck anyone I could with no concern for their feelings. I would fuck people I didn’t know their names. Didn’t want to. I’d fuck people I’d never want to see again. I’d fuck people that I knew cared about me, but all I cared about was burying my feelings deeper and deeper as I buried my cock inside of these innocent women. I’d fuck people without remorse, without feelings, without any concern except hiding that girl further and further in the past.

I remember one occasion I was at a ski resort, drunk out of my mind, with a friend of mine whom I had fucked before and had every intention of fucking that night. This friend cared about me. She wanted more than fucking. I wasn’t going to do to her what had been done to me. I was honest. Mean, but honest. I told her I didn’t want anything else but sex. I told her there wouldn’t be anything but sex. She knew I was hurting. She knew that wasn’t fair to her. She would fuck me anyways. Maybe because she hoped I’d change my mind, but maybe she had her own reasons. Either way, we were well on our way to fucking that night. It was not just any old night. It was New Year's Eve. I’m at the bar with a bunch of friends, along with this friend who we know we are going to hook up later on. Things are going great, or as great as they can be for a man who hides from his emotions in alcohol and pussy. Rumplemintz goes down too easily. I want to black out. I want to feel numb.

My phone rings. I look down. It’s her. Why????? What in the fuck do you want?!!!!! But, as always, my fortress’ defenses are weak against the kryptonite of this woman. This woman who I can’t help but love dearly. Who touched me in a way that still makes my chest shutter when I think of her. I excuse myself from the bar and find a place with decent reception in the hotel lobby. She calls me on Facetime of all things. Now, not only do I have to hear her, I have to see her. To let those beautiful blue eyes pierce into me one more time. My emotions are a mess. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. I’m trying not to cry from the time I answer. I don’t know if they are happy or sad or fucking mad tears, but they want to come out. She’s at a bar, alone. She’s fucking pissed at her, I don’t know what to call him, but she pissed. He’s out of town and she’s all alone. He was supposed to be back, but “business” got in the way. Evidently, out of town “business” was a regular thing in their relationship. A thing that he promised to change when they decided to give it another chance. Another chance that just happened to drag me into a sticky, beautiful mess with her. We talked a lot. She tells me she’s sorry once again. You’d think I’d get used to this shit and fucking shut it down, but no, I can’t. We talk more. I tell her I love her, for the first time out loud. She tells me she loves me so much. I’m weak, short of breath and just feel like I can’t stand. We say it again and again to each other. I just want to hop on a plane right now and wrap my arms around her. We talk about putting all the past fuck ups behind us. We talked about getting married. Of all the ways to feel about someone that continued to punish my heart like a punching bag. Marriage. Seriously. At least I was serious. I wanted her to come back to Virginia and we could have a life together. I loved that woman so so so much. We did our best to say goodbye over the loud background noises from both of our locations. We said we’d talk again tomorrow. We said I love you again to each other. We said goodbye.

I walked back into the bar, but I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t excited and full of joy. I was defeated. My body was weak, physically and emotionally. I couldn’t carry on. It was written on my face for all to see. My friend Matt asked if I was alright, and I told him I would be. Oh, and the girl that was waiting on me there, my friend who didn’t mind me using her for sex, for an escape, she was there waiting for me too. She could tell I was somewhere else. I told her I’m sorry, but I can’t have sex tonight. I just need to leave. She walked to the condo with me from the bar and told me it was ok, that she wasn’t upset about it. We crawled into bed soon after. My mind was racing. I was fucking furious. I was fucking happy. I was fucking fucked the fuck up. I fucked my friend that night afterall. I needed to get my head clear. Clear is a funny word for that situation. I needed to get my mind off of her. Off of all of that frustration. And now, off of all that hope.

A few days later, she finally called. After days of again ignoring my calls and texts. After days of again leaving me out on the edge. When she did finally call, I was at work. I walked out to my car and we talked. She said she was sorry again. I should be getting used to this, but I wasn’t. She said she was really drunk and didn’t remember what we talked about. I wasn’t going to let her off that easily. I reminded her. I reminded her that I loved her. That she said she loved me. That we talked about marriage one day. That we talked about her coming back. We talked for 20 minutes about all of our feelings and all of the mess and all of the hope and all of the love. We talked, but this time it was different. She was pulling away. For real this time. I knew it. She was a wild, beautiful, enchanting goddess. A goddess that I got to experience, even if just for a little while. A goddess that I got to fuck. That I got to love. That I love.

----------

You can probably guess she didn’t come back. She did get married though. Just not to me. Once again, I was the fucking treadmill she used to get ready for her big fucking race. That was the last time we spoke. There’s social media of course, and the occasional like or comment, but I’m learning not to get attached. I’m learning not to reach out. I’m learning how to let go. My heart still pounds to the beat… Love. Fuck. Love. Fuck. Love Fuck.

----------

All hail the heart breaks

Without them where would we be

Where would art be

What is our inspiration

What is our reason

If not to love then what

And what can you know of love without first losing it

How can you put a price on something until you’ve experienced its regress

Though hard times and scars do remain

As does the yearning for more

To replenish what we have but tasted

Fill me with that for which I burn

Let me hold the thing I’ve yet to understand

I long to submerse myself in its wonders

All hail the heartbreakers

For without them we would be less than who we are now

Yes less broken and less hardened

But more than that we would be less us

We would be less knowledgeable

Less caring and less human

That which the inspiration derives

Cannot be anything but what was need in our lives

No one blames the muse

And there is no muse as powerful as love lost

So gratitude is due upon them who set us on this path

All hail love

For without such a blessing we would not stand a chance in this cruel world

Our island of refuge

Our place of hope and comfort

Love gives indefinitely and only hopes for its return

Love is what binds us, what drives us

Love is all that is good and pure

Love gives purpose and desire

It is the one thing that brings us all together

No barriers, no borders, no difference

In love we are all on the same journey

Love is eternal

Deep, honest love

----------

I’m getting better. I’m getting better. I’m getting better.