No One's First Choice

I've gotten used to the fact that I'm no one's first choice. Hell, I'm not even anyone's last choice. It's been this way my whole life. I've tried to not let it bother me; but after a while, it gets exhausting pretending that everything is fine. Acting like I'm not heartbroken every day is tiresome.

This gaping hole inside of me. This permanent feeling of emptiness. I know I should simply focus on myself. It's just not that easy. And besides, I don't mind being alone. In fact I actually quite enjoy it. I just wish for once that it would be me. That someone would want me above everyone else. That somebody would fight for me the way I fight for others.

Look, I get it, some people are meant to be alone. I just don't feel like I'm one of those people. I suppose you wouldn't be able to tell if you were one of those people. I just wish there was a way to find out. I don't want to live my life constantly wondering, what if? I don't think it's healthy to go through life feeling this way?

I already knew that I wasn't anyone else's first choice. It's weird to come to terms with the fact that I'm not even my own first choice. I constantly put everyone else before myself. I constantly question my existence.

I'm tired of feeling left out. I'm tired of only being around for some light amusement. It seems that people only call me when they're bored. It's as of I'm only here for there amusement. I feel so lost like I have no one left. Like no one really cares about me.

I try and I try to feel positive, and be positive. It just isn't working for me. It's like there's this disconnect in me. It's like there's something programmed into my brain that won't let me be positive. It's as if I'm permanently numb.

I feel like there are so many things wrong with me. I hate this feeling so much. I hate feeling like my brain is broken. I hate feeling like I'm always the problem. Like I'll never be good enough for anyone. I don't want to feel this way. I'm so tired of hating myself. I'm so tired of hating the person that I've become. I want to look in the mirror and love the person looking back.

I'm trying so hard to make everyone happy that I've been neglecting myself. I have been so scared of disappointing everyone that I've let myself disappear. I think I've been so afraid to admit it to myself. I didn't want to believe that I wasn't being true to myself. I've been trying to be the person everyone else wants to see.

I feel like a shell of the girl I once was. I need to rediscover myself. I have been neglecting my needs for far too long. I've forgotten what it's like to love myself. I have forgotten what it was like to be truly happy. I want to feel happy with the person that I am.

It's like I'm watching my life pass me by. It's as if I've hit a pause button in my life. I constantly feel the sting of being everyone's second choice. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not wanted. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone.

I want to regain the power that I have lost. I want to take what I deserve instead of people telling me what I deserve. I will not bow to anyone. I only have this one life to live. It makes no sense for me not to take control. It's time for me to focus on myself from now on. I'm done trying to make everyone else around me happy when I'm absolutely miserable.