From The Beginning

To whom it may concern,

I'm not sure what to say. I don't really know where to begin. I would start at the beginning, but that part is a bit blurry. I wish I could remember everything clearly. Alas, my memory fails me. No matter what the beginning is, there are things that must be said. There are things that I must get off my chest. I have a story that I need to tell. Something that I should have shared a long time ago. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share my story at first. However, I felt that in order for me to move on, I needed to get it out. I need someone to hear it. I need someone who is actually willing to listen. I will admit that I never thought that I would ever do something like this. Please keep an open mind. Try not to judge me too harshly. I was very young when these things first happened. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to process the trauma. I still don't. It's consumed me for long enough. I want to be free from this burden. I'm tired of feeling guilty for what was done to me. It’s not something I wish on anyone. All I ask is that you try and understand. There were things that happened when I was young. Things I wish I could take back. Things that should have never happened. They did however and it can never be undone. The pain can never be unfelt. The betrayal and guilt will follow me for my entire life. Even if it wasn't my fault. It’s haunted me most of my life. I wish that I could take it back. Sadly, it’s stuck with me for all of eternity. I wonder what would have been different if these things had never happened. I thought it was my fault for a while. Like I had done something wrong. It took me years to realize that I had done nothing wrong. Nothing that I had done made it my fault. This is my life and I deserve to be heard. I deserve some peace. I'm sick of hiding what happened. I don't want to keep it a secret anymore. I want to be free from this burden. I want to be truly and fully happy. I will no longer let my trauma define me. I will no longer protect those who have hurt me. I am a broken shell of a once happy girl. I'm going to change that. I am going to take back the control that was stolen from me. I will no longer live in the shadows of other people's mistakes. I have done nothing to be treated like that. I'm starting to notice more and more how many people that I don't need in my life. The more boundaries I set, the more people leave. The more I stand up for myself, the more people think I'm rude or disrespectful. I'm done letting people think they can walk all over me. I'm done letting people think that just because I don't say anything that means they can disrespect me. I'm becoming myself more and more every day. I'm going to speak my mind. I'm done staying silent so others will feel better. I'm done trying to spare other people's feelings. I'm taking back control of my life. I'm ready to live my life to the fullest. No more letting other people make my decisions for me. Time to get back to being me strong and independent self.

Sincerely,

Zenobia