No One in the Middle of Nowhere

It is intoxicating.... this Nowhere.

Almost like a coming home welcome, I find the bare landscape almost comforting even when I know what things are buried underneath.

"It's nothing.", the wind whispered.

I smiled at the familiarity of her voice. In a place that nothing grows nor dies, I am safe.

There's nothing to do and yet I am without the will to do anything.

I crave the inspiration of a birthing and yet I find it tiresome to cultivate.

Have I lived so long, that I now hoped for and dreaded Eden.

Normally, I would escape to the heavens through my imagination of the things that could be but as I lift my hands I feel as though I've already done this too many times.

I wish for rain but find it discomforting to get wet.

I want to feel the soar of emotion with true love like in my books and yet before I can get myself to wonder I hear the foot steps of someone leaving.

I'm neither distressed nor am I content.... I'm somewhere yet I am nowhere.

I tried to be someone and yet I find myself here as no one, yet again.

"Rest awhile.", she whispered.

As I stared deep into the black and white landscape of this haven I had created, my hands began to flush away.

I was as my dreams were... nowhere... no one.

What vastness the world holds in it's breast? What retched wheel it turns to bring me forth and bring me back! From death to life! From one monumentous moment to life's devastating blow!

Ha! Where are you now?!

I could sit here and just be... in a state where no good nor bad could ever harm me!

I will neither die nor live and the treasures I hold will never be anyone else's to hold!

"More for you.", she whispered again.

Yet in this safe space I had created, a tear escapes my face.

This small and insignificant feeling so minute yet inconceivable in meaning.

"Why?", I asked her.

"I don't know...", she answered.

That alone... the feeling of unknowing sent ripples down my face... of the layers of life that would not leave me alone.

My world was breaking.

"Stop it! You're hurting us!", she yelled.

"I can't!", I yelled back trying to hide it from her.

Color was seeping into my landscape as I rushed to try and stop it. She began to scream in terror. What must I do to conceal reality from coming into my safe haven?! I needed to save us!

I was too late...

The colors had invaded, invited in by one simple tear... a beacon of hope I wish I never had...

And there it was... a memory of when I once danced in the sun, caressed by the greenest pastures and greeted by still peaceful waters.

I sat there defeated in my task and yet freed by the simplest release.

I watched as she disappeared slowly as color began to paint over her.

"Why must you hurt us, again?", she asked moments before she faded away.

"Because, I was never meant to stay this way. As seasons change, so do we and as much as we want the chance to feel freedom we must also bite into suffering.... because.... unlike most things in this world, I can still choose to be more than even what I have created myself to be.", I said as tears rolled down and laughter rose from my cheeks.

"So, this is where hope grows."